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Feeling safe and secure after accepting my reality

Old 12-05-2018, 01:42 PM
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Feeling safe and secure after accepting my reality

I first quit over 18 months ago or so

i have had periods of a few months of sobriety
With relapses of 2 to 8 weeks in between along the way

most of my drinking was testing behavior
testing if I知 truly an alcoholic

Once I accepted that
I realized I didn稚 have full control
so I wanted to at least feel partially in control of alcohol

long story short
my testing showed one thing

i cannot predict the outcome of my drinking
it May be only once in every 40 times
but I cannot predict when I値l blackout or what I値l do that one time
that one time could be the first or the 100th time I drink



so im realizing I値l never have any comfortable level of control when drinking
even if I can handle it 9/10, that one time is what means I知 powerless

therefore

THE ONLY way I can be secure and feel safe in life is by never drinking

I feel like this means walking on a blades edge or a tightrope the rest of my life

ANY DAY I could have a drink and relapse

ANY DAY I could ruin my life

non alcoholics seem to have such a more stable and safe and secure life

do I just have to accept I live in a world filled with a substance that is all around me and could ruin my life in one moment ? At any moment?

do I need to accept a life of fear

its comforting to live 登ne day at a time

but i cant help but see what feels like a dim reality of the situation
my life is constantly one day away from destruction

(side note: I have severe OCD, and have a very difficult time appropriately assessing risk and probability of danger)
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Old 12-05-2018, 03:04 PM
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I did the same tests with the same conclusion. Even if 7/10 times I drank very little or very moderately (without actively trying to moderate) there were always occasions where I'd get out of control and my whole Friday-Monday would be a write off.

You can choose whether you drink or not, so there is no need to live in this constant fear you have of ruining things at any time. There are people who are allergic to different types of foods or drugs etc. They don't live in constant terror that any day they'll eat that peanut and die. They simply don't eat the thing that could harm them.

Yes you could drink and relapse. If that happens you'd have to start the sober climb all over again. For us, drinking is something to avoid all together, not to live in constant fear of.

Remember you can CHOOSE to drink. You won't be forced to. Don't be terrified of something you currently have great control of.
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Old 12-05-2018, 03:31 PM
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Originally Posted by NerfThis View Post
I did the same tests with the same conclusion. Even if 7/10 times I drank very little or very moderately (without actively trying to moderate) there were always occasions where I'd get out of control and my whole Friday-Monday would be a write off.

You can choose whether you drink or not, so there is no need to live in this constant fear you have of ruining things at any time. There are people who are allergic to different types of foods or drugs etc. They don't live in constant terror that any day they'll eat that peanut and die. They simply don't eat the thing that could harm them.

Yes you could drink and relapse. If that happens you'd have to start the sober climb all over again. For us, drinking is something to avoid all together, not to live in constant fear of.

Remember you can CHOOSE to drink. You won't be forced to. Don't be terrified of something you currently have great control of.
Very well said .....
CARA
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Old 12-05-2018, 05:59 PM
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soberFitness,
it is good knowledge to have, that knowledge that you don稚have control of your drinking nor can predict the outcome.

you can move forward from there. when i understood that it would never be different, i could quit for good.no more testing needed.

i do not live in fear or on a sharp edge. i have found that changing some stuff in how i live my life has given me a good basis for not 渡eeding a drink whatsoever, no matter what.

you will see, if you spend time with sober folk, that there are different ways to get there, and that it is doable.
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Old 12-05-2018, 07:43 PM
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Hi Soberfitness, I thought that too at first. How could I live a life without alcohol? Without even a drop. Ever. When we are surrounded by it. I知 here to tell you after 23 months, life is so much better without any of it. I had to do a lot of work on myself through therapy and yoga and meditation. I am a much more spiritual person now (not religious). I embrace who I am.

I also have less depression and anxiety. Bad stuff still happens and I do get angry and upset. Sometimes I want to drink. But I am learning to sit with my feelings and everything passes.

I知 curious when was the last time you drank or relapsed? If you致e had heavy drinking binges and are still actively drinking (in the last couple of months), this may be increasing any anxiety and OCD. I have OCD too. Though it痴 not severe, it was a lot worse when I was drinking. Alcohol is a depressant and it messes with brain chemistry in general and specifically lowers serotonin which has a basis in OCD, anxiety and depression.
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Old 12-06-2018, 08:30 PM
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sF, how are you doing now?
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Old 12-07-2018, 05:49 AM
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This sounds a lot like myself. Always was a weekend binger till about 30. I then started to have periods of weeks with none, some moderate to me drinking then Bang a full on bender for days. In the last year of drinking I think I was drink about 6 times but 3 off them were full on benders. The last ended with me going to hospital for 2 days to detox. I haven't drank since and don't intend to but had some silly thoughts lately of a few over the holidays would be ok ,but like you I'm afraid of the consequences too much now as I maybe fine but then what back to sporadic binges were I lose all my self respect and what I am in the process of rebuilding.
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Old 12-14-2018, 08:39 PM
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Hey everyone

checking back in

12 days sober with last blackout 15 days ago

ive decided that I MUST accept that I cannot accurately predict what will happen if I drink

all Of the analyzing, predictions, guessing, probability analysis was just driving me crazy

and accepting that I can稚 predict what will happen is SCARY

its scary that a substance can cause me so much pain and I can稚 predict the results, I知 afraid and a little upset that I知 surrounded by my poison, in tv ads, at work events , at dinner , at family holidays
it doesn稚 seem fair

i feel like the majority of people don稚 have to live like this

so as an update
im still afraid
but at least I致e accepted this is reality

so my current plan:
dont drink
let the fear sit there
and Keep working the steps , trying to deal with step 3 currently

any more feedback is appreciated and hope all of you are sober and well

SF
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Old 12-14-2018, 08:44 PM
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good to hear from you on day 12, sF.
there are tons of threads on each step in the subcategory on the alcoholism 12step forum.
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Old 12-14-2018, 09:17 PM
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I don't have OCD so I can see how that might be an extra wrinkle, but....

While it's true we're all a drink away from destruction, if I never take that drink there's nothing to worry about IMO.

I don't live my life obsessing about not drinking like I did drinking.
Its just a closed door.

It took me a little bit of time to let go of the fear of a relapse lurking in the shadows waiting to ambush me, but I accepted it's down to me.

I just don't take that drink.
I can do that

D
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Old 12-14-2018, 11:35 PM
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Originally Posted by soberFitness View Post


non alcoholics seem to have such a more stable and safe and secure life

When I was drinking I saw alcoholics in recovery and thought 的 want the peace that they have. The alcoholics I knew who had gotten sober were (are) such stable and secure people, like none others I knew. I believe I wrote about this early on when I joined this site, long before I actually quit.

Yes, I知 one drink away from tearing it all down. But that one drink is so far away from happening, that peace prevails. And in a way that it doesn稚 for those who don稚 know the hell of alcoholism.
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