I'm losing it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Toronto
Posts: 3,195
I'm losing it.
Well, when I found out my mother died I went on week long binge. Sober now, but now my father isn't speaking to me because he is financially supporting me. Mental health/alcoholism and my checketed past make employment difficult. Even though I would like to work. I also have PTSD symptoms from a near death experience a couple years ago that I kept quiet. Regular suicidal thoughts and nightmares, anxiety attacks consume me.
I basically have no family support. I can't cope. But I won't drink
I basically have no family support. I can't cope. But I won't drink
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
You've been through a lot WL. What do you think the next best step should be? You've been coming here for a long time and we'd love to help.
I would add that if you are truly having suicidal thoughts, please contact a medial professional or call 911 right away.
I would add that if you are truly having suicidal thoughts, please contact a medial professional or call 911 right away.
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
Sorry to hear of your troubles.
One of THE best things I learned about sobriety was that if all I had was a drinking problem then the only thing I'd have to do is find a way to "not drink" and I'd be all set. What I went on to discover, much to my disbelief (....and disappointment....lol) was that it was those dry-times that I wasn't able to deal with. And I wasn't able to handle those dry-times because I'm, gulp, someone with chronic alcoholism. Chronic in that it's affecting me when I'm drinking by causing/forcing/leaving me with no choice BUT to drink more.....but also kicking my rear end when I'm not drinking in that I found being dry so distasteful that sooner or later I'd HAVE to drink just to get some quasi-level of sanity back..... or maybe just to get SOME feeling of relief.
Life would continue to come at me, I'd handle it in an inappropriate or ineffective way or maybe just flat out ignore it, stress would start to accumulate and WHAM-O...... I'd go drink. Then, of course, I'd emerge from that round of drinking even more depressed and mad at myself for failing, promise myself I wouldn't let THAT happen again and sure enough, it would happen again.
See, if it was just the drinking that was my problem then things would straighten out when I wasn't drinking. And back then, you get me "not drinking" for long enough and it would be a pretty safe bet that that next "first drink" wasn't far on the horizon for me. I tell ya.... you present me with that level of pain, frustration, and the almost certainty that it's going to continue...... man, I totally get why I was so suicidal back then (I got sober and recovered just over 11yrs ago). Worst of all, nothing seemed to REALLY work, ya know? I could make SOME changes and things would improve a little.....for a little while.... but it was always fleeting.
What I will tell you is this... I've been almost exactly there (no PTSD, well "diagnosed PTSD" in my history that I know of) and I know what it feels like. Most amazing of all though, there absolutely IS a solution. I actually have to think, and couldn't even tell you with any certainty, about when my last legit suicidal thought was. And man......those things were a damn constant in my life for a long darn time. And the nightmares - OMG. It got to the point where I was afraid to go to bed because it seemed like that one time of the day where I was supposed to be relaxed and sleeping was more damn traumatic then the daytime. Same deal there though.... it's basically been YEARS. Truth be told, I just had a bad one like a week or two ago. Two in a row (two nights in a row) actually. As bad as they were, it was sooooo refreshing to realize that those damn things haven't plagued almost every single night like they used to for a darn long time.
Looking back.... I'm truly thankful I had alcohol. In a round about way it saved my a$$. Had I not had drinking to fall into, I suspect i would have acted upon one of those suicidal thoughts sooner or later. And now, I'm really glad I suffered from chronic alcoholism because it helped me to make a decision that living with it was no longer acceptable and I simply HAD to do something absolute and definite about it. I simply MUST find a solution, and I did.
Talk about a 180 degree change. To tell you the truth, the though of drinking again scares me........ but the thought of going back to feeling the way I felt ..... and trying to live, feeling the way I felt on a daily basis, under the absolute slavery of untreated alcoholism (which, as I said above, doesn't necessarily go away just because I'm dry at the moment) - that's what scares me.
One of THE best things I learned about sobriety was that if all I had was a drinking problem then the only thing I'd have to do is find a way to "not drink" and I'd be all set. What I went on to discover, much to my disbelief (....and disappointment....lol) was that it was those dry-times that I wasn't able to deal with. And I wasn't able to handle those dry-times because I'm, gulp, someone with chronic alcoholism. Chronic in that it's affecting me when I'm drinking by causing/forcing/leaving me with no choice BUT to drink more.....but also kicking my rear end when I'm not drinking in that I found being dry so distasteful that sooner or later I'd HAVE to drink just to get some quasi-level of sanity back..... or maybe just to get SOME feeling of relief.
Life would continue to come at me, I'd handle it in an inappropriate or ineffective way or maybe just flat out ignore it, stress would start to accumulate and WHAM-O...... I'd go drink. Then, of course, I'd emerge from that round of drinking even more depressed and mad at myself for failing, promise myself I wouldn't let THAT happen again and sure enough, it would happen again.
See, if it was just the drinking that was my problem then things would straighten out when I wasn't drinking. And back then, you get me "not drinking" for long enough and it would be a pretty safe bet that that next "first drink" wasn't far on the horizon for me. I tell ya.... you present me with that level of pain, frustration, and the almost certainty that it's going to continue...... man, I totally get why I was so suicidal back then (I got sober and recovered just over 11yrs ago). Worst of all, nothing seemed to REALLY work, ya know? I could make SOME changes and things would improve a little.....for a little while.... but it was always fleeting.
What I will tell you is this... I've been almost exactly there (no PTSD, well "diagnosed PTSD" in my history that I know of) and I know what it feels like. Most amazing of all though, there absolutely IS a solution. I actually have to think, and couldn't even tell you with any certainty, about when my last legit suicidal thought was. And man......those things were a damn constant in my life for a long darn time. And the nightmares - OMG. It got to the point where I was afraid to go to bed because it seemed like that one time of the day where I was supposed to be relaxed and sleeping was more damn traumatic then the daytime. Same deal there though.... it's basically been YEARS. Truth be told, I just had a bad one like a week or two ago. Two in a row (two nights in a row) actually. As bad as they were, it was sooooo refreshing to realize that those damn things haven't plagued almost every single night like they used to for a darn long time.
Looking back.... I'm truly thankful I had alcohol. In a round about way it saved my a$$. Had I not had drinking to fall into, I suspect i would have acted upon one of those suicidal thoughts sooner or later. And now, I'm really glad I suffered from chronic alcoholism because it helped me to make a decision that living with it was no longer acceptable and I simply HAD to do something absolute and definite about it. I simply MUST find a solution, and I did.
Talk about a 180 degree change. To tell you the truth, the though of drinking again scares me........ but the thought of going back to feeling the way I felt ..... and trying to live, feeling the way I felt on a daily basis, under the absolute slavery of untreated alcoholism (which, as I said above, doesn't necessarily go away just because I'm dry at the moment) - that's what scares me.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,469
I'm sorry that you're struggling so much right now. I'm glad that you're sober now and I hope you can make a plan to stay that way. Maybe it would help to talk to your doctor about what you're going through?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: Right here, right now
Posts: 3,964
Hang in there WL. This will pass in time. Take it one day, one breath at a time. The suicidal thoughts really concern me. So I also think the 911 is a good suggestion to start. Also, do you have a primary care physician you can call for a prescription? It’s got to be really tough with the financial and work or lack of work situation as well. What resources are in your area to help you get back on your feet? Are Goodwill or Salvation Army options? Just trying to think of so,Ed options for you.
Please keep coming here for support. You can check in as often as you need. Support is here 24/7.
Please keep coming here for support. You can check in as often as you need. Support is here 24/7.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2018
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 1,339
Not drinking right now is both a great achievement and a difficult time. All of that stuff is at the surface, emotionally chaotic and stressful. Perhaps now is a good time to seek out some additional help for how to learn to cope with the place that you find yourself mired within. It matters to others that you are in pain.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Toronto
Posts: 3,195
This is by far the hardest time of my life. My family are the only thing preventing homelessness. I feel guilty for being a financial burden but I need to get truly sober before I get a job. Got fired last year for drinking on the job. The PTSD is the biggest challenge to my sobriety. I have had 4 or 5 very traumatic events the last 6 years. Hypothermia, a mugging, a serious head injury and more. So many things to fix.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
The time is now for positive actions that only you can do. If that's therapy,meetings,ect..whatever..It's on you to decide,but actions,surrender and willingness are needed. Drinking/drugging over things(past/present/future) got me no where. I had to take personal ownership and work for sobriety,sometimes by the minute.
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
Start with bitesize chunks and prioritize by importance ...
Drinking/Drugs will solve nothing and with circumstances like yours you really need you here .. life will never stop and if we let it, it will keep us on our knees beating the crap out of us forever.
So what do you do now .. What can we do Today ?
First things first we take a deep breath and completely embrace recovery as a lifestyle that is a must for us.
Stay with us chatting about anything & everything you're thinking about today we will help you through it.
This is a message to anyone who needs it right now who is feeling like this and struggling with similar circumstances.
Drinking/Drugs will solve nothing and with circumstances like yours you really need you here .. life will never stop and if we let it, it will keep us on our knees beating the crap out of us forever.
So what do you do now .. What can we do Today ?
First things first we take a deep breath and completely embrace recovery as a lifestyle that is a must for us.
Stay with us chatting about anything & everything you're thinking about today we will help you through it.
This is a message to anyone who needs it right now who is feeling like this and struggling with similar circumstances.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Nevada
Posts: 523
Hey WL,
Let me tell you how sorry I am to read about your loss. Heart goes out to you. I can relate to a lot of what you been saying and feeling. When I was in rehab back in June a lot of PTSD moments were brought up in my therapy sessions. I'm glad they did. I was able to breathe it felt like afterwards.
Negative thinking has always been a major player in my life for relapses which led to drinking and the F its. Like you the only reason I'm not homeless is because of my wife. Wasn't for her I'd be at the mission or begging for change. You're going through some major stress right now handling so many things at the same time. Just know you're not alone. I shoveled a pile to get to the bottom where I'm at. Only way out is to climb back to the top. I finally put down the shovel (drinking), and doing what needs to be done. Today I tried to stay focused on today. Tomorrow I'll focus on tomorrow.
Keep your head up.
Let me tell you how sorry I am to read about your loss. Heart goes out to you. I can relate to a lot of what you been saying and feeling. When I was in rehab back in June a lot of PTSD moments were brought up in my therapy sessions. I'm glad they did. I was able to breathe it felt like afterwards.
Negative thinking has always been a major player in my life for relapses which led to drinking and the F its. Like you the only reason I'm not homeless is because of my wife. Wasn't for her I'd be at the mission or begging for change. You're going through some major stress right now handling so many things at the same time. Just know you're not alone. I shoveled a pile to get to the bottom where I'm at. Only way out is to climb back to the top. I finally put down the shovel (drinking), and doing what needs to be done. Today I tried to stay focused on today. Tomorrow I'll focus on tomorrow.
Keep your head up.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 100
Hey man,
your story is similar to mine. and i'm a torontonian as well.
not sure what to do with my life and extremely depressed right now. my upbringing + my own addictions have really messed me up. no one to blame but myself. taking responsibility sucks. my life is in tatters.
holding on for dear life. day 21.
your story is similar to mine. and i'm a torontonian as well.
not sure what to do with my life and extremely depressed right now. my upbringing + my own addictions have really messed me up. no one to blame but myself. taking responsibility sucks. my life is in tatters.
holding on for dear life. day 21.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,036
Originally Posted by Wastinglife 
This is by far the hardest time of my life. My family are the only thing preventing homelessness. I feel guilty for being a financial burden but I need to get truly sober before I get a job. Got fired last year for drinking on the job. The PTSD is the biggest challenge to my sobriety. I have had 4 or 5 very traumatic events the last 6 years. Hypothermia, a mugging, a serious head injury and more. So many things to fix.
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