Upset by relapse after 22 days
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 271
Upset by relapse after 22 days
Hi All
i have been devastated upset and anxious today after drinking last night after 22 days sober.
A difficult couple of days and stress over the Christmas works party was the straw that broke the camels back.
I told my colleague yes I'll go to the office party next Friday a couple of drinks won't hurt! So I then said to myself if I might as well have a beer tonight to get me used to drinking again before the party. I bought a 10 pack of Stella Artois and a bottle of single malt whiskey ( I bought this due to my post about cheap alcohol expensive problems, my twisted alcoholics logic was if I bought expensive alcohol I would not binge on it)
After a couple of beers and whiskeys and several cigarettes the chemical change happened in my brain. I then lost all control of myself impulsively decided to walk around dangerous parts of town on my own and so on.
Woke up feeling terrible very anxious about the night before full of regret and shame. I poured the rest of the whiskey and remaining beer down the sink and forced myself to go to work.
Yet again I had no defensive to the first drink when a sudden impulsive to drink hit me. This is very upsetting but I will not give up trying I have lost the battle but I will NOT lose the war.
Yet again confirmation I cannot touch a single drop of alcohol whatsoever. I try to see the positives in that I will now definatly not be going to the Christmas party and perhaps a slip at the end of November is better than one in December where the consequences may be more severe.
Take care everyone HC
i have been devastated upset and anxious today after drinking last night after 22 days sober.
A difficult couple of days and stress over the Christmas works party was the straw that broke the camels back.
I told my colleague yes I'll go to the office party next Friday a couple of drinks won't hurt! So I then said to myself if I might as well have a beer tonight to get me used to drinking again before the party. I bought a 10 pack of Stella Artois and a bottle of single malt whiskey ( I bought this due to my post about cheap alcohol expensive problems, my twisted alcoholics logic was if I bought expensive alcohol I would not binge on it)
After a couple of beers and whiskeys and several cigarettes the chemical change happened in my brain. I then lost all control of myself impulsively decided to walk around dangerous parts of town on my own and so on.
Woke up feeling terrible very anxious about the night before full of regret and shame. I poured the rest of the whiskey and remaining beer down the sink and forced myself to go to work.
Yet again I had no defensive to the first drink when a sudden impulsive to drink hit me. This is very upsetting but I will not give up trying I have lost the battle but I will NOT lose the war.
Yet again confirmation I cannot touch a single drop of alcohol whatsoever. I try to see the positives in that I will now definatly not be going to the Christmas party and perhaps a slip at the end of November is better than one in December where the consequences may be more severe.
Take care everyone HC
Member
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 513
Unfortunately it still sounds like you want to drink more than you want to be sober, even though you've contested this point when I've mentioned it before. Preparing yourself for a drinking event by doing practice drinking definitely doesn't sound like the words of someone who desperately desires the sober life more than the drinking life. It's the polar opposite behavior.
I do hope at some point you will reach the decision to give up alcohol entirely, as you definitely drink alcoholically when you do drink.
I do hope at some point you will reach the decision to give up alcohol entirely, as you definitely drink alcoholically when you do drink.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
Hi and welcome back. Good on you for coming back stragiht away and having the courage to say no the the works party.
I know how awful the cravings are and it feels like they will never go and the only answer is to drink. They do go though, they are just feelings and we don't have to act on them. Coming on here as soon as you get a craving, writing it down and speaking to people who understand really helps me.
Dee has a great link about urge surfing. Maybe google it = they really do work. It's like instead of fighting the urge and thinking about drinking accept it is a craving/urge, work through it and it will pass. It surprised me when doing this how quickly it did actually pass.
Have you any support irl? AA or if that's not something you want to do maybe look at AVRT/Rational Recovery. I'm reading This naked mind at the moment which is a great help to me.
Maybe come back to the November class too and/or join December. REading and posting regularly seems to help.
I know how awful the cravings are and it feels like they will never go and the only answer is to drink. They do go though, they are just feelings and we don't have to act on them. Coming on here as soon as you get a craving, writing it down and speaking to people who understand really helps me.
Dee has a great link about urge surfing. Maybe google it = they really do work. It's like instead of fighting the urge and thinking about drinking accept it is a craving/urge, work through it and it will pass. It surprised me when doing this how quickly it did actually pass.
Have you any support irl? AA or if that's not something you want to do maybe look at AVRT/Rational Recovery. I'm reading This naked mind at the moment which is a great help to me.
Maybe come back to the November class too and/or join December. REading and posting regularly seems to help.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Boulder, CO
Posts: 419
Hey Highercall,
Don't beat yourself up too much. The most important thing is that you're back and you haven't lost that time you accumulated. I'm sure you learned some things about yourself right?
Maybe you can write some things down that you did to stay sober? Have you read the Big Book? Check out the chapter "Into Action".
Here are some of things that i do to steer away from a drink.
1) Call a friend in recovery
2) Hit a meeting
3) Go work out
4) Eat something
5) Go for a walk
6) Read the Big Book
7) Pray
8) Recite the Serenity Prayer
These are just a few....
Good luck and God Bless!
Garrison
*I have found as you get further and further away from your last drink the urges get less frequent. Keep going and stay vigilant!
Don't beat yourself up too much. The most important thing is that you're back and you haven't lost that time you accumulated. I'm sure you learned some things about yourself right?
Maybe you can write some things down that you did to stay sober? Have you read the Big Book? Check out the chapter "Into Action".
Here are some of things that i do to steer away from a drink.
1) Call a friend in recovery
2) Hit a meeting
3) Go work out
4) Eat something
5) Go for a walk
6) Read the Big Book
7) Pray
8) Recite the Serenity Prayer
These are just a few....
Good luck and God Bless!
Garrison
*I have found as you get further and further away from your last drink the urges get less frequent. Keep going and stay vigilant!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,386
My advice is to learn to reach out before you drink HC.
I know it might seem like there's no opportunity to do that when the 'drinklust' comes upon us, but you can. Even in my autopilot state there were moment when I thought 'what the hell are you doing?' -0 those are the moments of clarity in which to ask for help.
If you'd ran that drinking a few to get ready for next weeks party idea by us we would have told you what a crazy alcoholic idea that was
D
I know it might seem like there's no opportunity to do that when the 'drinklust' comes upon us, but you can. Even in my autopilot state there were moment when I thought 'what the hell are you doing?' -0 those are the moments of clarity in which to ask for help.
If you'd ran that drinking a few to get ready for next weeks party idea by us we would have told you what a crazy alcoholic idea that was
D
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Athens, Georgia
Posts: 962
Hello HC,
For me, the statement in the AA Big Book, 'We are without defense against the first drink' was proven, over and over, that I AM without defense against the first drink.
I could not NOT Drink. Automatic Default Behavior.
For me, drinking again after 20 or so days was not a 'relapse'. 20 days of white-knuckling to keep from drinking was just PROOF that I was NOT free of the tell-tale symptoms of having the dreaded condition of ... 'alcoholism'. Other people could take a few drinks, or a few hits off a joint, or do a line or 2, and NOT ... Have to Have More ... the cycle of needing more when I put it in me, then obsessing to have something in me to change the way I 'feel' when I was sober, then needing to have more when I put it in me again...
I drank & drugged for 40 years, then s-t-r-u-g-g-l-e-d real hard for a long time to get FREE. Then, when it got so bad - on the inside - that it couldn't get worse, i completely gave up - the gift of absolute desperation - and worked the 12 Steps of AA. It took hard, intensive work, but the Miracle happened while in the process.
I keep working the program of AA, and I am now 5 years FREE.
RDBplus3 ... Happy, Joyous and FREE ... and I KNOW U can B 2
For me, the statement in the AA Big Book, 'We are without defense against the first drink' was proven, over and over, that I AM without defense against the first drink.
I could not NOT Drink. Automatic Default Behavior.
For me, drinking again after 20 or so days was not a 'relapse'. 20 days of white-knuckling to keep from drinking was just PROOF that I was NOT free of the tell-tale symptoms of having the dreaded condition of ... 'alcoholism'. Other people could take a few drinks, or a few hits off a joint, or do a line or 2, and NOT ... Have to Have More ... the cycle of needing more when I put it in me, then obsessing to have something in me to change the way I 'feel' when I was sober, then needing to have more when I put it in me again...
I drank & drugged for 40 years, then s-t-r-u-g-g-l-e-d real hard for a long time to get FREE. Then, when it got so bad - on the inside - that it couldn't get worse, i completely gave up - the gift of absolute desperation - and worked the 12 Steps of AA. It took hard, intensive work, but the Miracle happened while in the process.
I keep working the program of AA, and I am now 5 years FREE.
RDBplus3 ... Happy, Joyous and FREE ... and I KNOW U can B 2
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,476
I'm sorry that you decided to drink, HC.
I think it's so important to avoid things like Christmas work parties, and to not even consider something like that. I'm glad that you're back on track and working on your recovery.
I think it's so important to avoid things like Christmas work parties, and to not even consider something like that. I'm glad that you're back on track and working on your recovery.
Ocean Lover!
Join Date: Apr 2018
Location: You know nothing Jon Snow - UK
Posts: 2,604
I think that as you had already decided you were going to have a few drinks at the works party next week you had already relapsed before you had even taken your first swig. Also, this sudden urge you describe...is it really a sudden urge? You had already decided you were not going to stay sober so why not drink tonight or tomorrow because you haven't actually given up alcohol anyway.
Like Dee said, if you had posted beforehand you know we would have all pointed out the madness in your thinking.
Like Dee said, if you had posted beforehand you know we would have all pointed out the madness in your thinking.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 452
Hi Highercall, don't be too hard on yourself, you've learned another lesson about your addiction. It took me many years of experiences as you describe above to finally learn that to remain 100% safe and normal, I should not touch a drop.
I had an ongoing internal mental trauma for years at this time of year, should I drink or not? I would usually find myself after having spent many weeks/months sober in advance of the 'Christmas night out' that I would let my guard down, partly because I would not admit my alcoholism to colleagues, and get smashed at these events.. then wake up with hellish anxiety, shame and guilt all over again. It was so bad sometimes that it would ruin my Christmas!! This is when I realised that I can't countenance any alcohol.
It's so much easier to just say no thanks, I'm driving and bail earlier or just don't go.. say anything to stay on the straight and narrow and always have a plan.
All the best and chin up
I had an ongoing internal mental trauma for years at this time of year, should I drink or not? I would usually find myself after having spent many weeks/months sober in advance of the 'Christmas night out' that I would let my guard down, partly because I would not admit my alcoholism to colleagues, and get smashed at these events.. then wake up with hellish anxiety, shame and guilt all over again. It was so bad sometimes that it would ruin my Christmas!! This is when I realised that I can't countenance any alcohol.
It's so much easier to just say no thanks, I'm driving and bail earlier or just don't go.. say anything to stay on the straight and narrow and always have a plan.
All the best and chin up
Member
Join Date: Oct 2018
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 1,339
When I have relapsed in the past I felt it coming in my mind well before I acted upon it. I had a "plan", and that plan that was developing was to drink. I was going to meetings, going to work and doing my best, I thought, rationalizing that I was being the good, recovery minded person by proof of certain tasks that I was ticking off the list each day. But I was having conversations with my AV without sharing that with anybody, and that outline of what to do to drink was progressing along its terrible way. I was already hiding my "drinking" before it took place. The consequences were, predictably, very bad.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: Arlington, Texas
Posts: 64
I hope you aren't brutalizing yourself over your bad night. Most of us (myself included) have experimented with controlled drinking. Yeah, it doesn't work. But we all have to learn that our own way and in our own time. So if you learn it from this episode, then well done you. You don't have to learn it twice.
Please take what knowledge you can from this experience and grow from it. That's what I wish for you.
Come back and post often. It can save your life.
Please take what knowledge you can from this experience and grow from it. That's what I wish for you.
Come back and post often. It can save your life.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: Right here, right now
Posts: 3,965
How are you doing today, HC?
Everyone of my past relapses came on from a trigger and sudden urge to drink that I was not prepared for. I was not prepared to handle that little voice in my head that would say at such time “one won’t hurt.” It wasn’t until I started practicing my sobriety daily and changing my thoughts and behaviors and becoming a more spiritual person that I could successfully avoid a relapse.
I agree with what the other person about the AA Big Book. Whether you follow AA or not (I don’t), there is a lot of wisdom in AA. We are defenseless against the first drink. I had to admit I am powerless over alcohol. That does not mean I am a powerless person. Just powerless over alcohol. Just like I’m powerless over what happens if I go too close to the edge of a cliff or a riptide. No difference in my mind. So I don’t do it.
Don’t beat yourself up. Pick yourself up and learn from this. Work out a plan for what you will do next time if the urge strikes. Not giving in to an urge and reminding yourself it will pass on its own never killed anyone and can only make you stronger. Giving in to those urges, however, will just repeat the cycle and eventually will cause more and more problems in your life.
I’ve recemtly talked myself out of some weak moments by coming to SR and posting my thoughts. So I’ve been following this process: trigger, SR, repeat
Hugs
Everyone of my past relapses came on from a trigger and sudden urge to drink that I was not prepared for. I was not prepared to handle that little voice in my head that would say at such time “one won’t hurt.” It wasn’t until I started practicing my sobriety daily and changing my thoughts and behaviors and becoming a more spiritual person that I could successfully avoid a relapse.
I agree with what the other person about the AA Big Book. Whether you follow AA or not (I don’t), there is a lot of wisdom in AA. We are defenseless against the first drink. I had to admit I am powerless over alcohol. That does not mean I am a powerless person. Just powerless over alcohol. Just like I’m powerless over what happens if I go too close to the edge of a cliff or a riptide. No difference in my mind. So I don’t do it.
Don’t beat yourself up. Pick yourself up and learn from this. Work out a plan for what you will do next time if the urge strikes. Not giving in to an urge and reminding yourself it will pass on its own never killed anyone and can only make you stronger. Giving in to those urges, however, will just repeat the cycle and eventually will cause more and more problems in your life.
I’ve recemtly talked myself out of some weak moments by coming to SR and posting my thoughts. So I’ve been following this process: trigger, SR, repeat
Hugs
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
Originally Posted by Highercall 
Yet again I had no defensive to the first drink when a sudden impulsive to drink hit me. This is very upsetting
Assuming I'm right, it's looking to me like you're starting to get the idea of what that 1st step actually means. I remember when it hit me - that being a betting kind of guy, it was a damn good bet that, sooner or later, I'd drink again. I'd constructed every defense I could think of and sure enough, 2 or 3 things I'd never even thought of would crop up and I'd be loaded all over again. While a lot of people would go on from here to say you simply need to REALLY apply yourself this time, or you REALLY need to take it more serious this time, or you REALLY have to think about the consequences this time...... maybe all you have to do is what we in AA do. Admit to one's self that I'm insufficient to that task. I can't keep myself sober..... and certainly not happy / content / serene and sober - all at the same time.
Deciding, like I did, that this conundrum is wholly unacceptable - we get to consider if it's possible that there might actually be a way (aka - some power out there) for me to get sober AND happy, at the same time. If we're able to concede that it's at least possible, then we get to decide if it's something we want to work for or not....and if so....then we start doing said "work."
I'd say I'm sorry that you drank again but, in my case, drinking again..........over and over........after progressive periods of what I thought were sobriety was the best thing that could have happened to me. It was that experience (along with a number of other failures I'd been cultivating in my life for years - lol) that finally brought me to my knees and helped me with the willingness to take actions even though I didn't like them or necessarily even believe they would work for me.
There can be some wonderful things that come from those darkest of moments.... I surely hope you're on your way this time and won't need more evidence to prove what "lack of power" looks like and feels like as I did.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Northern Ireland
Posts: 290
For me reading up on urge surfing made a huge difference. Can't recommend it highly enough. The cravings that were so hard to handle became a lot more manageable. The knowledge that you will experience cravings and that they will definitely pass seemed to take away a lot of their power. Give it a go and see what you think. Good luck.
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