Back in control
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: UK
Posts: 2,256
Back in control
Since I stopped drinking, more and more positive people seem to be coming back into my life. I'm not actively looking for them, they just keep appearing. I've been added to my old high school whatsapp group and last night a friend posted a photo of me from the 1980s, taken when I was 14 years old and a few of us visited London zoo. My clothes and hair was a bit of a shock (wow - the '80s!!) but I looked so young and happy and excited about the future. I realised the photo was taken a few months before I started drinking. And when I started drinking, it didn't take long for the drinking to become excessive, secretive and out of control. And in the 25 years that followed, I achieved a lot. I passed all my exams, went to university, got a good job, ran marathons, fell in love, had children. But despite the high functioning behaviour, I was being controlled.
If I studied for 3 hours, I could have a drink. If I ran for an hour, I could have a drink. Get through this day, get the children to bed and then have a drink.
Life was an exhausting, never-ending series of negotiations with alcohol demanding more and more of my attention and time. And slowly, the high-functioning behaviour started to slip. I started to black out, started turning up late for work, started snapping at my kids when they wouldn't go to bed on time... didn't they realise this was my drinking time?
And then I stopped drinking. And it's taken 2 years of sobriety to realise just how controlled I was. So when I look at the image of my 14 year old self that day in London zoo, I feel quite emotional because that girl who looked so excited about the future spent the next quarter of a century lost in addiction. And the scary thing is, I didn't even realise I was lost. But now I can talk to my 14 year old self and tell her that it's ok. I may have spent 25 years as a puppet with alcohol pulling my strings but now I'm back in control. And my hair and clothes may look different today (seriously, the '80s! What was going on??) and obviously I don't look as young as I did then but I'm happy again, and excited about the future. Two years of sobriety has given me my freedom and brought me back to myself. I don't think there can ever be any greater gift than that
If I studied for 3 hours, I could have a drink. If I ran for an hour, I could have a drink. Get through this day, get the children to bed and then have a drink.
Life was an exhausting, never-ending series of negotiations with alcohol demanding more and more of my attention and time. And slowly, the high-functioning behaviour started to slip. I started to black out, started turning up late for work, started snapping at my kids when they wouldn't go to bed on time... didn't they realise this was my drinking time?
And then I stopped drinking. And it's taken 2 years of sobriety to realise just how controlled I was. So when I look at the image of my 14 year old self that day in London zoo, I feel quite emotional because that girl who looked so excited about the future spent the next quarter of a century lost in addiction. And the scary thing is, I didn't even realise I was lost. But now I can talk to my 14 year old self and tell her that it's ok. I may have spent 25 years as a puppet with alcohol pulling my strings but now I'm back in control. And my hair and clothes may look different today (seriously, the '80s! What was going on??) and obviously I don't look as young as I did then but I'm happy again, and excited about the future. Two years of sobriety has given me my freedom and brought me back to myself. I don't think there can ever be any greater gift than that
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Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 5
[QUOTE=kenton;7065513]Since I stopped drinking, more and more positive people seem to be coming back into my life. I'm not actively looking for them, they just keep appearing. I've been added to my old high school whatsapp group and last night a friend posted a photo of me from the 1980s, taken when I was 14 years old and a few of us visited London zoo. My clothes and hair was a bit of a shock (wow - the '80s!!) but I looked so young and happy and excited about the future. I realised the photo was taken a few months before I started drinking. And when I started drinking, it didn't take long for the drinking to become excessive, secretive and out of control. And in the 25 years that followed, I achieved a lot. I passed all my exams, went to university, got a good job, ran marathons, fell in love, had children. But despite the high functioning behaviour, I was being controlled.
If I studied for 3 hours, I could have a drink. If I ran for an hour, I could have a drink. Get through this day, get the children to bed and then have a drink.
Life was an exhausting, never-ending series of negotiations with alcohol demanding more and more of my attention and time. And slowly, the high-functioning behaviour started to slip. I started to black out, started turning up late for work, started snapping at my kids when they wouldn't go to bed on time... didn't they realise this was my drinking time?
And then I stopped drinking. And it's taken 2 years of sobriety to realise just how controlled I was. So when I look at the image of my 14 year old self that day in London zoo, I feel quite emotional because that girl who looked so excited about the future spent the next quarter of a century lost in addiction. And the scary thing is, I didn't even realise I was lost. But now I can talk to my 14 year old self and tell her that it's ok. I may have spent 25 years as a puppet with alcohol pulling my strings but now I'm back in control. And my hair and clothes may look different today (seriously, the '80s! What was going on??) and obviously I don't look as young as I did then but I'm happy again, and excited about the future. Two years of sobriety has given me my freedom and brought me back to myself. I don't think there can ever be any greater gift than that[/QUOT
Inspirating post. Thank you so much for sharing.
If I studied for 3 hours, I could have a drink. If I ran for an hour, I could have a drink. Get through this day, get the children to bed and then have a drink.
Life was an exhausting, never-ending series of negotiations with alcohol demanding more and more of my attention and time. And slowly, the high-functioning behaviour started to slip. I started to black out, started turning up late for work, started snapping at my kids when they wouldn't go to bed on time... didn't they realise this was my drinking time?
And then I stopped drinking. And it's taken 2 years of sobriety to realise just how controlled I was. So when I look at the image of my 14 year old self that day in London zoo, I feel quite emotional because that girl who looked so excited about the future spent the next quarter of a century lost in addiction. And the scary thing is, I didn't even realise I was lost. But now I can talk to my 14 year old self and tell her that it's ok. I may have spent 25 years as a puppet with alcohol pulling my strings but now I'm back in control. And my hair and clothes may look different today (seriously, the '80s! What was going on??) and obviously I don't look as young as I did then but I'm happy again, and excited about the future. Two years of sobriety has given me my freedom and brought me back to myself. I don't think there can ever be any greater gift than that
[/QUOTInspirating post. Thank you so much for sharing.
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