Starting family with RAH
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 23
Starting family with RAH
Hi everyone!
I am posting on this page to get advice from recovering alcoholics and/or their spouses. My husband is an alcoholic who has been sober for 11 months. He previously was trying to get sober and only lasting a few weeks/months for about a year before he relapsed on Christmas Eve. I hit my limit and asked him to move out to get more help. He lived in an Oxford House for about 2 months. Since then he has been working a strong program with his sponsor, goes to 4-5 meetings a week, meets with a counselor weekly, goes to an after-care program through his IOP, I go to individual therapy and a family support program, and we attend bi-monthly marriage counseling sessions. This is all to say that I don't believe I am married to a dry drunk any longer and have seen a huge change in him as a person, as well as our relationship.
We are both in our early 30's and were planning on eventually having a family. I wanted to see if there is anyone out there who got sober before having children and what that experience has been like? I'm worried that if/when we do decide to have a baby, he will relapse and I will have brought an innocent child into the situation. I know that relapse can always occur, but I don't want to be irresponsible in my decision making. I told him we wouldn't discuss it until he had been sober for a year... and that's about to be up, so I'm just trying to get more clarity.
Thanks so much!
I am posting on this page to get advice from recovering alcoholics and/or their spouses. My husband is an alcoholic who has been sober for 11 months. He previously was trying to get sober and only lasting a few weeks/months for about a year before he relapsed on Christmas Eve. I hit my limit and asked him to move out to get more help. He lived in an Oxford House for about 2 months. Since then he has been working a strong program with his sponsor, goes to 4-5 meetings a week, meets with a counselor weekly, goes to an after-care program through his IOP, I go to individual therapy and a family support program, and we attend bi-monthly marriage counseling sessions. This is all to say that I don't believe I am married to a dry drunk any longer and have seen a huge change in him as a person, as well as our relationship.
We are both in our early 30's and were planning on eventually having a family. I wanted to see if there is anyone out there who got sober before having children and what that experience has been like? I'm worried that if/when we do decide to have a baby, he will relapse and I will have brought an innocent child into the situation. I know that relapse can always occur, but I don't want to be irresponsible in my decision making. I told him we wouldn't discuss it until he had been sober for a year... and that's about to be up, so I'm just trying to get more clarity.
Thanks so much!
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,470
Welcome!
I hope that your husband remains sober, but of course, no one can know what will happen. You might like to check out AlAnon in your city as a support for you. Obviously this will be a hard decision for you to make.
I hope that your husband remains sober, but of course, no one can know what will happen. You might like to check out AlAnon in your city as a support for you. Obviously this will be a hard decision for you to make.
quat
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: terra (mostly)firma
Posts: 4,822
If a person views their sobriety as contingent on anything other than a commitment to abstinence reinforced solely by their own internal resolve, they will put themselves in a position to be susceptible to 'relapse'.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 23
Hi- thanks for the reply! I think I may have phrased it wrong- I don’t believe he is sober because of anything besides his own desire to be sober. We just made a deal to not talk about kids with each other or our families until he’d been sober at least a year. I am in no rush at all, but it’s been on my mind recently. I do attend AlAnon, but havent met people whose spouses were in recovery when their kids were born.
Thanks again!
Thanks again!
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
I think it's a good question and a very difficult position for you to be in. If it were me I'd firstly wait until the New Year at the very least, get through Christmas and New Year, sometimes a very difficult time in sobriety, especially the first one.
Your husband sounds genuine, in that he is doing it for himself and is positive and committed to his sobriety.
I don't think there is a timescale to wait to start a family ie 2,3 or 5 years sober. I's suggest talking about it in the New Year. Is it what he really wants?
I suppose fundamentally it depends on are you prepared to leave him if you have children and he starts drinking again and bring them up alone? No child needs to be in a house with an alcoholic, and I mean that in the kindest possible way.
I hope you are able to talk with your husband and have a positive future anf family,
Your husband sounds genuine, in that he is doing it for himself and is positive and committed to his sobriety.
I don't think there is a timescale to wait to start a family ie 2,3 or 5 years sober. I's suggest talking about it in the New Year. Is it what he really wants?
I suppose fundamentally it depends on are you prepared to leave him if you have children and he starts drinking again and bring them up alone? No child needs to be in a house with an alcoholic, and I mean that in the kindest possible way.
I hope you are able to talk with your husband and have a positive future anf family,
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Minnesota, USA
Posts: 1,468
Welcome!
I think it is great you are planning, and these are very important questions. However, I believe these are questions no one can really answer but you and him.
I am sure you know and understand what I am about to say.
We could get married, have kids and then 5 years later die in a car accident and we have those issues we would have to deal with, our own mental state, our kid's mental state and the loss of a parent, companion, etc.... These are the parts of life we have to deal with as they come. Anyone at any time can become an addict to pills, alcohol, sex, porn, etc....
It does sound like you are building a wonderful foundation with all the therapy singly and together.
Now, I think if you are concerned about his relapse while you are pregnant or later in life when the child is a baby, toddler, teen, etc....
Will that worry drive you insane? Will you question everything?
Or
Can you just go with it, and believe what you see out of him? And deal with life on life's terms?
I got sober when my little was 2 and for me, I have no desire to ever go back to drinking. The days spent on the couch not playing with my little, the time I had missed drinking and not being there for him, the money I spent elsewhere when I could have tucked it away for us to do something or whatever. I think you get it.
I also left his dad when I was 4 months sober, he drinks all the time and I didn't want that influence around my little. This is something I have to deal with and it is a life lesson for my little, which may sound terrible but in life, we lose people we love or friends for whatever reason. It may not be ideal, but I think building a toolbox for a child is just as important as building a sober/recovery/spouse of an addict toolbox.
I wish you the best
Blessings,
DC
I think it is great you are planning, and these are very important questions. However, I believe these are questions no one can really answer but you and him.
I am sure you know and understand what I am about to say.
We could get married, have kids and then 5 years later die in a car accident and we have those issues we would have to deal with, our own mental state, our kid's mental state and the loss of a parent, companion, etc.... These are the parts of life we have to deal with as they come. Anyone at any time can become an addict to pills, alcohol, sex, porn, etc....
It does sound like you are building a wonderful foundation with all the therapy singly and together.
Now, I think if you are concerned about his relapse while you are pregnant or later in life when the child is a baby, toddler, teen, etc....
Will that worry drive you insane? Will you question everything?
Or
Can you just go with it, and believe what you see out of him? And deal with life on life's terms?
I got sober when my little was 2 and for me, I have no desire to ever go back to drinking. The days spent on the couch not playing with my little, the time I had missed drinking and not being there for him, the money I spent elsewhere when I could have tucked it away for us to do something or whatever. I think you get it.
I also left his dad when I was 4 months sober, he drinks all the time and I didn't want that influence around my little. This is something I have to deal with and it is a life lesson for my little, which may sound terrible but in life, we lose people we love or friends for whatever reason. It may not be ideal, but I think building a toolbox for a child is just as important as building a sober/recovery/spouse of an addict toolbox.
I wish you the best
Blessings,
DC
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Probably my living room. Maybe my bedroom if I'm feeling lazy
Posts: 1,085
I met my wife when I was 11 months sober at age 31. We got married a couple of years ago. I'm now 36 (she's 38) and we're expecting our first child in March.
This is just my perspective, but I personally needed some good years of sobriety under my belt before bringing kids into this world was a viable option. I don't regret waiting and neither does my wife. My sobriety is my foundation for good relationship with my wife and I hope that carries on to parenthood. I also have a lot of support from other dads in recovery through AA.
I also had to have the uncomfortable discussion with my wife before we got married that if I started to drink again, she should leave. She's never seen me drunk so she doesn't know the whirlwind that is my active alcoholism. But that conversation needed to be had to protect her and any children we had.
Best of luck to you and your husband.
This is just my perspective, but I personally needed some good years of sobriety under my belt before bringing kids into this world was a viable option. I don't regret waiting and neither does my wife. My sobriety is my foundation for good relationship with my wife and I hope that carries on to parenthood. I also have a lot of support from other dads in recovery through AA.
I also had to have the uncomfortable discussion with my wife before we got married that if I started to drink again, she should leave. She's never seen me drunk so she doesn't know the whirlwind that is my active alcoholism. But that conversation needed to be had to protect her and any children we had.
Best of luck to you and your husband.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 23
Thanks so much for the replies! Congratulations to all who are in recovery - you are amazing.
It's comforting to see that having children in recovery can be done, but also reassures me that there is no actual timeline. I think having a discussion with him about a "what to do if drinking begins again" with our counselor would be a good idea. He knows that if the drinking/lying/whole show starts up again, I am not sticking around, but I know that would be trickier with kids involved. The conversation is something that can definitely wait until after the holidays, as there is no rush. I think all of the "When are you having kids?" questions I got over Thanksgiving from people who have no idea what's going on may have gotten in my head!
Thank you for giving me more clarity and things to think about.
It's comforting to see that having children in recovery can be done, but also reassures me that there is no actual timeline. I think having a discussion with him about a "what to do if drinking begins again" with our counselor would be a good idea. He knows that if the drinking/lying/whole show starts up again, I am not sticking around, but I know that would be trickier with kids involved. The conversation is something that can definitely wait until after the holidays, as there is no rush. I think all of the "When are you having kids?" questions I got over Thanksgiving from people who have no idea what's going on may have gotten in my head!
Thank you for giving me more clarity and things to think about.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
My personal opinion is that there is NOTHING more awful than seeing what addiction does to your children. It's great that he is doing so well, but in my opinion 11 months is not very long. Maybe give it another year before you decide to conceive.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,414
Would agree on the extended waiting time before conception, having grown up with an alcoholic parent.
Once you have kids, you are enmeshed the addict in some form for 18 years, and kids can really get a bad dose of addiction parenting even if you split.
Solid recovery will still be solid in a year or two--and give him time to settle in to sobriety without concerns for kids, money, etc. which cause huge pressure.
Wishing you both the best happy future
Once you have kids, you are enmeshed the addict in some form for 18 years, and kids can really get a bad dose of addiction parenting even if you split.
Solid recovery will still be solid in a year or two--and give him time to settle in to sobriety without concerns for kids, money, etc. which cause huge pressure.
Wishing you both the best happy future
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