Advice on sponsor
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Washington
Posts: 241
Advice on sponsor
Hi everyone. I am looking for some advice. Not sure if this is the best place to post. I am new to aa, have 66 days sober, and have a sponsor who I asked around day ten. For my 30 day coin meeting, she forgot to attend the meeting. It was kind of a bummer as she said she would be there. But no big deal, I still received my coin, and then she gave me a coin at a meeting a few days later. Now to my 60 days sober, we worked out a day to meet at the same meeting (today) to celebrate my 60 days, and she wanted to be the one to give me the coin. She messaged me that if anyone asked if I had to my coin (since my 60 days already passed) to tell them no but my sponsor would be giving it to me officially Friday. So that seemed pretty specific to me. So today, again she doesn’t show up to the meeting. She messaged me how my day was. And I said I missed you at the meeting, she didn’t reply yet and it is clear she forgot. I am frustrated, mainly because she told me to tell others I would be getting my coin today, when I could have already gotten it.
As I type this, I’m wondering if I am just being sensitive, or making something out of nothing. She has a lot on her plate. But I hate being forgotten. Especially when this is something I am proud of. I don’t know, I guess I just need advice, on the situation. I’m sure this seems silly. And maybe I am expecting too much, I guess I should read more on the sponsor sponsee relationship.
As I type this, I’m wondering if I am just being sensitive, or making something out of nothing. She has a lot on her plate. But I hate being forgotten. Especially when this is something I am proud of. I don’t know, I guess I just need advice, on the situation. I’m sure this seems silly. And maybe I am expecting too much, I guess I should read more on the sponsor sponsee relationship.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 1,068
While many here may suggest that you get a new sponsor, I'm less certain that's the way to go.
Sandy Beach a fairly well known AA speaker once described AA sponsorship as the half blind leading the blind. That's a pretty good description of sponsorship in AA.
My solution has been to lower my expectations of what a sponsor can/should do for me. Now I really like my sponsor. But if I call him and he's too busy to get back to me that day I understand. My sponsor has a job, a wife and children. They keep him pretty busy. I am not nor should I be his top priority in his life. If he doesn't make a meeting because something else came up in his life well there's always the next meeting. At least that's what works for me. YMMV.
Sandy Beach a fairly well known AA speaker once described AA sponsorship as the half blind leading the blind. That's a pretty good description of sponsorship in AA.
My solution has been to lower my expectations of what a sponsor can/should do for me. Now I really like my sponsor. But if I call him and he's too busy to get back to me that day I understand. My sponsor has a job, a wife and children. They keep him pretty busy. I am not nor should I be his top priority in his life. If he doesn't make a meeting because something else came up in his life well there's always the next meeting. At least that's what works for me. YMMV.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: Right here, right now
Posts: 3,972
I haven’t done AA or sponsorship. But I don’t like this situation. Your sponsor has forgotten two important events in your sobriety apparently without a good excuse. She just forgot. I don’t think you are being too sensitive and I think your expectations are reasonable.
I personally didn’t get a sponsor because I already felt really let down by very well meaning friends and family who I felt were judging me and my life circumstances too harshly. It was unrelated to alcohol. But I didn’t want to be let down by anyone else. I was worried I could get too dependent on someone else’s support, and if that person failed me, I might relapse. That’s just me though. Everyone is different. I know that the sponsor program works for so many. Sometimes it takes changing sponsors though and that’s ok. Listen to your gut.
I personally didn’t get a sponsor because I already felt really let down by very well meaning friends and family who I felt were judging me and my life circumstances too harshly. It was unrelated to alcohol. But I didn’t want to be let down by anyone else. I was worried I could get too dependent on someone else’s support, and if that person failed me, I might relapse. That’s just me though. Everyone is different. I know that the sponsor program works for so many. Sometimes it takes changing sponsors though and that’s ok. Listen to your gut.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: North East, USA
Posts: 704
I find if I am focused on my inventory I am not interested in others inventory. Not a lot of room to look outside of me. I got a ton to work on before I start calling people out.
Sobriety hinges on me alone. I still get my coin and not much could bring me down. I will gleefully eat cake in a corner alone but bc I continue to go, I have a ton of good people, people who get it, around. It's amazing.
Congratulations.
Jules
Life terms. Things happen. I pick my battles esp. bc I am far from perfect. But I am working on me and its allllll good.
Sobriety hinges on me alone. I still get my coin and not much could bring me down. I will gleefully eat cake in a corner alone but bc I continue to go, I have a ton of good people, people who get it, around. It's amazing.
Congratulations.
Jules
Life terms. Things happen. I pick my battles esp. bc I am far from perfect. But I am working on me and its allllll good.
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
I like this Kiki because asking questions setting boundries is so important as i myself have learnt through my own personal relationships here and in my day 2 day .. but because i kept asking questions (relating to life and recovery) it has helped and paid off
Keep asking questions
Keep asking questions
Member
Join Date: Jul 2018
Location: UK
Posts: 431
Originally Posted by kiki26 
Hi everyone. I am looking for some advice. Not sure if this is the best place to post. I am new to aa, have 66 days sober, and have a sponsor who I asked around day ten. For my 30 day coin meeting, she forgot to attend the meeting. It was kind of a bummer as she said she would be there. But no big deal, I still received my coin, and then she gave me a coin at a meeting a few days later. Now to my 60 days sober, we worked out a day to meet at the same meeting (today) to celebrate my 60 days, and she wanted to be the one to give me the coin. She messaged me that if anyone asked if I had to my coin (since my 60 days already passed) to tell them no but my sponsor would be giving it to me officially Friday. So that seemed pretty specific to me. So today, again she doesn’t show up to the meeting. She messaged me how my day was. And I said I missed you at the meeting, she didn’t reply yet and it is clear she forgot. I am frustrated, mainly because she told me to tell others I would be getting my coin today, when I could have already gotten it.
As I type this, I’m wondering if I am just being sensitive, or making something out of nothing. She has a lot on her plate. But I hate being forgotten. Especially when this is something I am proud of. I don’t know, I guess I just need advice, on the situation. I’m sure this seems silly. And maybe I am expecting too much, I guess I should read more on the sponsor sponsee relationship.
As I type this, I’m wondering if I am just being sensitive, or making something out of nothing. She has a lot on her plate. But I hate being forgotten. Especially when this is something I am proud of. I don’t know, I guess I just need advice, on the situation. I’m sure this seems silly. And maybe I am expecting too much, I guess I should read more on the sponsor sponsee relationship.
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Glad you are here. Interesting variety of thoughts above.
For my $0.02 or so, 66 (hopefully more now) days is AWESOME - and early. The advice about not setting expectations of others, including those who are meant to lead us like a (good) sponsor, is SO important. And it took me time to really "get" that. The idea that "it's not about me" is very important. I was definitely ME-oriented, and not in the right way, at first; my ego tends to take me back there too!
Some people are over committed, whether to too many sponsees or just life in general. Sometimes a sponsor just isn't a good fit. My first one was very significant to my development of strong program habits I follow to this day (I just passed 2 yr 9 mo sober). My second sponsor, whom I got for my 4th step and on, had a more philosophical match to applying the 12 steps to live my best life, vs the "authoritarian" way of my first sponsor.
Making sober friends in AA is very important too - not to find more sponsors, but to broaden your understanding and growth in the program.
You GET to make choices about who sponsors you, among those willing - ultimately it is on YOU alone to work the program, which I do believe is best done with a sponsor's guidance.
I can promise from my experience that the words "keep coming back" have many layers of meaning that ALL prove their weight in gold.
Stick with it and us.
For my $0.02 or so, 66 (hopefully more now) days is AWESOME - and early. The advice about not setting expectations of others, including those who are meant to lead us like a (good) sponsor, is SO important. And it took me time to really "get" that. The idea that "it's not about me" is very important. I was definitely ME-oriented, and not in the right way, at first; my ego tends to take me back there too!
Some people are over committed, whether to too many sponsees or just life in general. Sometimes a sponsor just isn't a good fit. My first one was very significant to my development of strong program habits I follow to this day (I just passed 2 yr 9 mo sober). My second sponsor, whom I got for my 4th step and on, had a more philosophical match to applying the 12 steps to live my best life, vs the "authoritarian" way of my first sponsor.
Making sober friends in AA is very important too - not to find more sponsors, but to broaden your understanding and growth in the program.
You GET to make choices about who sponsors you, among those willing - ultimately it is on YOU alone to work the program, which I do believe is best done with a sponsor's guidance.
I can promise from my experience that the words "keep coming back" have many layers of meaning that ALL prove their weight in gold.
Stick with it and us.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Boulder, CO
Posts: 419
Hey there Kiki,
It’s funny you wrote this because I had a similar situation happen to me when I first entered the program and got a sponsor. I remember being so hurt and upset that my sponsor didn’t remember to contact me about my milestone. As I grow in the program I have come to realize that expectations are pre-meditated resentments. I also know that reading from the Big Book I know that my expectations are inversely proportional to my serenity. Meaning if I set my expectations high then my serenity will ultimately be low. If it were me I would be honest with her about how you feel and try to keep your expectations low. I’m almost certain that your sponsor didn’t intentionally forget you.
: )
As a sponsor myself I know that my life has gotten really full so I wouldn’t take it personally. Good luck and God Bless!
Garrison
It’s funny you wrote this because I had a similar situation happen to me when I first entered the program and got a sponsor. I remember being so hurt and upset that my sponsor didn’t remember to contact me about my milestone. As I grow in the program I have come to realize that expectations are pre-meditated resentments. I also know that reading from the Big Book I know that my expectations are inversely proportional to my serenity. Meaning if I set my expectations high then my serenity will ultimately be low. If it were me I would be honest with her about how you feel and try to keep your expectations low. I’m almost certain that your sponsor didn’t intentionally forget you.
: )
As a sponsor myself I know that my life has gotten really full so I wouldn’t take it personally. Good luck and God Bless!
Garrison
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