Can’t change others, only myself

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11-20-2018, 07:51 PM

# 1 (permalink)

mariposa

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Thread Starter

Join Date: Oct 2018

Posts: 591

Can’t change others, only myself

My fiancé was over an hour late picking me up from work, he just lost his job so picking me up is his only plan for his day basically. I was mad but told myself exploding won’t help. He smelt of beer big time. I’m only on day 13 and this isn’t easy for me. I told him to leave when I got home. I came in, drank some coffee. I felt like “well he can go out n get drunk, I can too.... but i don’t want to”. So I rode my bike to 90 minutes of yoga. I was distracted, but I meditated and breathe through my stress and discomfort. Going home, not sure if he’d be home or not I felt anxiety.
He was passed out in the guest room with a full open beer by his head and my grocery money by his head. I don’t want to put myself through an emotionally trying situation early into sobriety but I’m really over this. I’m seeing clearly now, he doesn’t love me, he loves the alcohol. I can’t save us both.

11-20-2018, 08:54 PM

# 2 (permalink)

Free2bme888

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Join Date: May 2018

Location: Where I’ve longed to be all my life…..here, now.

Posts: 7,335

You understand very well.

You are beginning to love yourself, and see changes in your life that must be made for your physical and mental health.

Those changes are tough, but possible, and necessary for you to survive, then later on, thrive.

Big hugs surrounding and comforting you.

11-20-2018, 09:09 PM

# 3 (permalink)

DontRemember

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Join Date: Dec 2014

Posts: 2,966

When I quit drinking and left my long term gf,who turned out to be nothing more than a drinking 'buddy', it was very eye opening to me about the 'relationship(s)' I had developed during 6-8yrs of drinking. I talk to none of those "friends" anymore. Sucks at first,but when you hear how they're still "living"(doing the same nonsense) after a year+. You realize it's a gift.

Hurts/sucks like hell for a while(very much like quiting an addiction/habit),but freeing as hell.

11-21-2018, 01:18 AM

# 4 (permalink)

MantaLady

Ocean Lover!

Join Date: Apr 2018

Location: You know nothing Jon Snow - UK

Posts: 2,604

A good quote I heard the other week was “Don’t set yourself on fire to keep other people warm”. You and your sobriety are the most precious and important things in your life and do whatever you need to do to protect that. It sounds to me like you have got your head screwed on right over this, you can only control how you react to situations and nothing else. I think you are making great choices and have a great self awareness! Keep it up and be strong! xx

11-21-2018, 03:48 AM

# 5 (permalink)

August252015

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Join Date: Aug 2015

Location: Atlanta

Posts: 8,674

I too feel your pain here! And such good words above- I had not heard that quote from MantaLady but it's awesome and (painfully) wise.

You are working on 2 whole weeks sober and you are seeing what is really going on with him, how he wants to behave - and doing your best to focus on YOU. All the things you need to do.

I hope you can find IRL support as well as sticking with us. We know you can do it. Hard choices ultimately seemed so amazingly right as I mustered up courage to make them and then could see them in hindsight. We care!

11-21-2018, 04:29 AM

# 6 (permalink)

Finalround

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Join Date: Oct 2017

Location: New England

Posts: 1,224

I literally just jumped over from my "class of..." group after posting that I can only be the best me and that is the only influence I have on others around me.

Your choice to get sober is the best choice for you.

Congrats on two weeks.

11-21-2018, 07:24 AM

# 7 (permalink)

Anna

Administrator

Join Date: Aug 2003

Location: Dancing in the Light

Posts: 61,473

I'm sorry, Mariposa, but I think you are right in that you need to focus on caring for yourself at this point. Good job on the decisions you made yesterday.