help me please
Earth Child
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Edinburgh, Scotland
Posts: 2,004
help me please
I hate myself most of the time , today i went to a meeting complained about my life and my addictions i want to die or hurt myself in some way didnt work the program to the point am not even looking at gratitude list or reading the big book i have them there but i dont use the tools i need to make things better for myself and am scared of being well am scared all the time and want to drink and use cut die
i never even try to pray or ask God for help i never meditate or even give time to it AM A DRY DRUNK AND I NEED HELP i ask but i dont put the work in just incase am too well be made to work even though i have not worked in over 20 years due to mental health am scared to be on my own but i am making life for my husband who is my carer harder he on anti depressants because of me and my addictions i am still obsessed about a christan forum i need to be in even though they would say am going to hell because am transgender i am not drinking or taking drugs actively i dont have a sponsor AM A ******* MESS
I THINK I SHOULD BE DEAD OR IN THE GUTTER I HATE MYSELF THAT MUCH
i never even try to pray or ask God for help i never meditate or even give time to it AM A DRY DRUNK AND I NEED HELP i ask but i dont put the work in just incase am too well be made to work even though i have not worked in over 20 years due to mental health am scared to be on my own but i am making life for my husband who is my carer harder he on anti depressants because of me and my addictions i am still obsessed about a christan forum i need to be in even though they would say am going to hell because am transgender i am not drinking or taking drugs actively i dont have a sponsor AM A ******* MESS
I THINK I SHOULD BE DEAD OR IN THE GUTTER I HATE MYSELF THAT MUCH
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Ashburn, VA
Posts: 30,196
Here is what you should be concentrating on about your dear Lord Jesus:
Isaiah 42:2-3
He will not cry or lift up his voice,
or make it heard in the street;
a bruised reed he will not break,
and a dimly burning wick he will not quench
In the state you are in, you are a very bruised reed. At this point I am very sure that all he longs for you to do is cling to him, not stew about details of heaven or hell.
First things first. Trust that he created you and he treasures you. Cling to him. All this gender/hell talk is getting you derailed and on the rocks.
Beloved Serenity River, just be a naked soul before your Lord. He will take care of nurturing you.
What is it about this Christian website that makes you think you "need" it? It doesn't seem to do a very competent job meeting the needs of someone who is terrified and just capable of baby steps.
Get in touch with your doctor, too. Go to the Emergency Room if necessary tonight.
Jesus can shine through your life. It is precious to him. Please don't even think about harming yourself. Whether you can see it or not, he is displaying and glorifying himself throughout your sweet heart.
You are a treasure. Every human being is. You are worthy to exist and grow.
As far as fearing getting well, just take one day at a time. Don't skip years ahead in your imagination. Be simple: confide your every thought in Jesus. He alone can understand us fully.
And don't be afraid of a gratitude list or reading the Big Book. God will not push you any faster than you are capable of going. You are safe with him, always.
The website--not so much.
If you PM me the positive things you get from it, I might be able to suggest written devotionals or other encouraging materials to build your spirit, not tear it down.
Isaiah 42:2-3
He will not cry or lift up his voice,
or make it heard in the street;
a bruised reed he will not break,
and a dimly burning wick he will not quench
In the state you are in, you are a very bruised reed. At this point I am very sure that all he longs for you to do is cling to him, not stew about details of heaven or hell.
First things first. Trust that he created you and he treasures you. Cling to him. All this gender/hell talk is getting you derailed and on the rocks.
Beloved Serenity River, just be a naked soul before your Lord. He will take care of nurturing you.
What is it about this Christian website that makes you think you "need" it? It doesn't seem to do a very competent job meeting the needs of someone who is terrified and just capable of baby steps.
Get in touch with your doctor, too. Go to the Emergency Room if necessary tonight.
Jesus can shine through your life. It is precious to him. Please don't even think about harming yourself. Whether you can see it or not, he is displaying and glorifying himself throughout your sweet heart.
You are a treasure. Every human being is. You are worthy to exist and grow.
As far as fearing getting well, just take one day at a time. Don't skip years ahead in your imagination. Be simple: confide your every thought in Jesus. He alone can understand us fully.
And don't be afraid of a gratitude list or reading the Big Book. God will not push you any faster than you are capable of going. You are safe with him, always.
The website--not so much.
If you PM me the positive things you get from it, I might be able to suggest written devotionals or other encouraging materials to build your spirit, not tear it down.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,435
Hi Serenity River
I'm sorry you're so low and down on yourself.
I don't think you have to be on that website at all - it sounds like another self destructive addiction to me?
I felt comfortable feeling bad for a long time. It was easy to take on all the bad things my family had ever said about me, or the bad things I thought about myself but I deserved better - and so do you.
We are not bad people
I know it's hard to find help where you are, and I understand the fear that they might make you work if they said that you were better even if you weren't - but please don't let that stop you from trying to get better.
Getting better is not a bad thing
You deserve a peaceful and happy life like everyone else.
Is going back to crisis care an option for you?
D
I'm sorry you're so low and down on yourself.
I don't think you have to be on that website at all - it sounds like another self destructive addiction to me?
I felt comfortable feeling bad for a long time. It was easy to take on all the bad things my family had ever said about me, or the bad things I thought about myself but I deserved better - and so do you.
We are not bad people
I know it's hard to find help where you are, and I understand the fear that they might make you work if they said that you were better even if you weren't - but please don't let that stop you from trying to get better.
Getting better is not a bad thing
You deserve a peaceful and happy life like everyone else.
Is going back to crisis care an option for you?
D
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,502
Please don't go back to the so-called Christian website. They are simply feeding you a bunch of nonsense. I'm sure there are Christian websites which are inclusive, but the one you use is not.
If you think that you're not doing enough work on your recovery, maybe you can make a plan to do just one specific thing a day that will help you. For instance, maybe you could spend 5 minutes meditating. It might help you to feel better about yourself.
If you think that you're not doing enough work on your recovery, maybe you can make a plan to do just one specific thing a day that will help you. For instance, maybe you could spend 5 minutes meditating. It might help you to feel better about yourself.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 2,583
Serenity, I don't feel qualified to give advice but I couldn't read and not reply. I just want to give you a big hug. I can feel your pain. And I know that pain too. The pain of hating myself and thinking I am useless and wishing I was dead. Sometimes all I wanted was someone to put their arms around me and tell me it was going to be alright. In fact, I have never really "said" that out loud before but its true. I was literally broken and desperate. I did what you have done. I sent a message...help me. But i sent mine to 2 women in AA whose numbers I still had in my phone from the year before (the others I deleted). I went to a meeting and little by little, very little, I have started getting a bit better.
I don't know you but it sounds to me like there is a part of you that DOES want to live. That DOES want to get well. That's the part you need to hold on to for dear life. Don't try to solve all your life problem' s at once. Just start small. Read one page of the big book a day, I am sure you can manage just one page? Somedays my prayers are short. They go something like Dear God please don't let me pick up a drink today or Dear God please help me.
Try not to think too far ahead and keep it in this day only. I am not sure about this other site you are on but if you feel you can't leave it completely, maybe just don't go on it today. Just for 24 hours?
I have nearly 7 months of recovery now and tbe stronger I get the more I want it and the more action I am putting in. It is possible. There is a future.
lots of light, hugs and prayers x x
I don't know you but it sounds to me like there is a part of you that DOES want to live. That DOES want to get well. That's the part you need to hold on to for dear life. Don't try to solve all your life problem' s at once. Just start small. Read one page of the big book a day, I am sure you can manage just one page? Somedays my prayers are short. They go something like Dear God please don't let me pick up a drink today or Dear God please help me.
Try not to think too far ahead and keep it in this day only. I am not sure about this other site you are on but if you feel you can't leave it completely, maybe just don't go on it today. Just for 24 hours?
I have nearly 7 months of recovery now and tbe stronger I get the more I want it and the more action I am putting in. It is possible. There is a future.
lots of light, hugs and prayers x x
Earth Child
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Edinburgh, Scotland
Posts: 2,004
Av hit an all time low one of the guys from AA suggested to me that i get more help but its me thats the problem i try to be positive about life but because of my Borderline Personality Disorder i feel like harming or killing myself am mostly suicidal because of that am waiting to get threapy but am in the uk its NHS and i cant go non NHS as its a lot of money to do the BPD and OCD kinda get mixed up in that and go against each other making me feel like am losing my mind most of the time because am transgender am more likely to be suicdal on top of that abuse by my mother and other abusers , i cant take care of myself its it wasnt for my husband being with me 24/7 most of the time because i am suicdal i have to get all the meds locked away and then the fact am harmful to myself is because i blame myself for everything that happened as a child and my step dads suicide .... the fact i wallow in self-pity most of the time without anyone noticing ( my last sponsor noticed ) i try to do gratitude but i forget to write out a list every day or even track my moods , i hardly ever pray when i should am meant to also take stock of the day at night and in the morning think positive for the day a head i dont do this AA is a spiritual program and i suck at it I MEAN WHAT IS THE ******* POINT OF ME GOING THERE WHEN I DONT DO THE PROGRAM ??? I WANT A DRINK AND I WANT TO USE BUT MOST OF THE TIME DONT WANT TO LIVE OR BE ALIVE AND IN MY OWN HEAD
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 271
Hi
I think your very courageous being transgender and remember you have your rights. Also God is a loving God and cares for everyone equally. Perhaps private prays between you and God would be better than other peoples twisted interpretations.
be kind to yourself I find having feelings of guilt and worry and especially being around people who try to make you feel that way is very harmful as regards stating sober.
You have done the right thing to express your feelings now rather than get drunk and suffer the consequences.
Positive thoughts all the way. Please if you need help in terms of mental health care then take it. I am undergoing counciling myself at present.
Take care x
I think your very courageous being transgender and remember you have your rights. Also God is a loving God and cares for everyone equally. Perhaps private prays between you and God would be better than other peoples twisted interpretations.
be kind to yourself I find having feelings of guilt and worry and especially being around people who try to make you feel that way is very harmful as regards stating sober.
You have done the right thing to express your feelings now rather than get drunk and suffer the consequences.
Positive thoughts all the way. Please if you need help in terms of mental health care then take it. I am undergoing counciling myself at present.
Take care x
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Ashburn, VA
Posts: 30,196
Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, Serenity River. Don't beat yourself up because you aren't writing a gratitude list perfectly like clockwork every day--just do it when you remember it. Be gentle with yourself--all you can do is your best.
Even a little when it comes to mind is better and more beneficial than nothing.
Even a little when it comes to mind is better and more beneficial than nothing.
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 271
I tried AA and it did not work for me. There are other options and you can be your own sponcer. The most important thing at present is to slowly get to a more peaceful frame of mind and have some rest. You can come out of this.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,435
I think you're being way too hard on yourself. You don't need to be perfect
If you're feeling suicidal most of the time tho you really need help - the NHS may have its faults but I'm sure you'll get help if you explain how you're feeling and you ask for help?.
You have a lot of people in your corner here - you're not alone
D
If you're feeling suicidal most of the time tho you really need help - the NHS may have its faults but I'm sure you'll get help if you explain how you're feeling and you ask for help?.
You have a lot of people in your corner here - you're not alone
D
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,502
I hope you can start to like things about yourself. You are a good person. You have a lot of things in your life that make it difficult for you, but you continue to get up every day and try to do the best you can. Try to think of something good about yourself and focus on that.
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