FeelingL0st

I threw away 16 months of sobriety convinced I could have a few beers now and then. I'm right back where I was before I got sober. Add cocaine to the mix as well.
The motivation to quit it all, 19 months ago was strong. There was no doubt in my mind I wanted to quit and I did, 2 months later I started going to AA meetings, got a sponsor, but never really put much effort into it. A meeting a week, never read the big book or reached out when I needed to, I thought I could do it on my own, and in a way I did, for 16 months.
I'm ashamed and am looking for that motivation I had 19 months ago.
I'm scared. I want my sober life back. I have a bag full of cocaine and a case of beer, and don't know how to toss it all away.
I don't want to drink or use..I want to be sober...
I know what I need to do, just can't muster the will to do it.
I'm so embarrassed I let it get to this point again.

Dee74

Hi and welcome back feelingl0st

I don't think we ever destroy sober time, or the lessons we learn from it - all that experience and knowledge is still there.

Shame is pretty useless too - no amount of shame can turn back the clock and change the past. All of us here know how you feel so embarrassent is another wasted emption too

Yesterdays gone but we can make a big impact on our today - but we can only do that by facing forwards in the direction we want to go - not backwards.

Last time it sounds like you started with a day one - it's the same deal this time. If you don't think you used AA properly last time, give it another go this time?

You can do this
D

Anna

For sure you learned a lot during your 16 months of sobriety. Use that knowledge and experience to build on and do it again. And, do the hard thing and get rid of the cocaine and the beer.

Ghostlight1

It may be hard to part with your 'friends' cocaine and beer, but you may as well pour and flush.
They're only going to make things worse.
You never lose that sixteen months, but you can start over. It's one of the few things we get a second chance at.

I feel for you. I've been there. Flush and poor and maybe, just maybe, save your life.

thomas11

Your 16 months isn't down the toilet, no one can take that away from you. You know how to get and stay sober for a period of time so I have no advice. I only hope you can find the motivation when you first got sober.

swtjudy

My heart goes out to you. You know what to do now please do it. A friend of mines brother just died from an overdose of Cocaine. Please, Please, Please don't let that happen to you.

least

Get rid of the alcohol and coke and start fresh. Maybe add to your recovery plan so this won't happen again. I hope our support can help you achieve lasting sobriety.

fini

you toss it by tossing it.
don't mean it sarcastically. just that tossing the coke and the booze is the only way to toss it.
you went to AA and got a sponsor, who unfortunately did not give you good help, or maybe they tried and you didn't wnt to. maybe this time, in order to get a different result, you would be willing to put the effort into actually following the suggested program of recovery?
hm...just rereading your post. you say you can't muster the will. I don't know how anyone else can help you have the will. but when you have it, or develop it, or think you can build on desire to have it, there is lots of help out there.
coming here is a good first step.
tossing the goods is the next.

fini

how are things going with you, FL?

OtterIsland

Reading your post and the responses was so helpful to me. It helped me realize even broken sobriety is still sobriety under our belts. We can go back and see what we did that worked and where we need to focus for continued success.

Relapsing can teach us much, if we listen and learn from it.

Let us know how you are.

- Otter

Jim1958

I think they call it harm reduction. Think of a two pack a day smoker. He cuts to one pack. That's better. Think of a daily drinker. Going sober for periods is better. Not perfect, but better. Get back to being sober and try again. Best wishes.