Kaily

I have been sober a clear 18 Days. I started this attempt (one of many) at the beginning of October had a few minor slips along the way, but if I say so myself I have done well.

I was self medicating with alcohol. I have had such a lot of trauma in my life and with no support ended up relying on drinking heavily everyday. It numbed me from PTSD and loneliness, it became my friend, my support, my comfort.
Albeit not a friend I would recommend to others but the only one I had. Bit like putting up with a bad partner rather than being on your own.

So now my days, hours and minutes are so long. I miss my friend. I don't like being present and sober and I don't know what to do anymore.

The thought of the day looming in front of me all on my own, same as yesterday, same as tomorrow is daunting and miserable.

Drinking might not make me feel better but it will make me not feel.

Thanks for reading.

Snowydelrico

18 days is great Kaily.
Keep going, concentrate on your sobriety and the other problems in your life can be dealt with properly in a responsible way.
These things take time, be patient things will get better I promise.
The only thing drinking will do is destroy you. It’s not your friend as you know. You need to separate from it.
You will go through lots of emotions this is normal and it will feel like someone close to you has died but you must push through.
Feel, learn your emotions. They will be very heightened at the moment but will level out in time.

Keep going you are doing it!
This is how it feels to begin with.
Make yourself proud and content.
Don’t drink go for a walk,
Don’t listen to the negativity in your head, it’s all made up.

You can do this,
Stay strong.
Be kind to yourself.

MantaLady

Before I went to rehab I had a similar kind of friend. I used to keep in touch with them even though they weren't really good for me and the relationship triggered a lot of negative thoughts about myself in my head. I thought it was better than being totally alone.

Since I got back I have not contacted them and not answered their calls or messages for just over 5 months. I see this person the same as I do a glass of wine now, being drunk and self medicating was back then a "better the devil you know" method of coping. I knew what to expect getting drunk and it was weirdly safe and familiar, the terrifying thing was the thought of getting sober as that was new and frightening and unfamiliar. I spent too long sticking to my comfort zone and it just kept me down.

Things were no-where near as bad as I had made out in my head by cutting this person out of my life, in fact I started to learn how to love myself and be comfortable being in my own company and not needing validation from others, especially people that were not good for me. I guess keeping people in my life back then that were not good for me stopped me filling that space with anyone that was good for me as I wasn't really actively looking for any other friends, I just stuck to what I knew.

I found the below quote really helpful in the early days:

ClearPath64

Hi Kaily, is there anyone you can reach out to, or any organization available, where you can discuss your PTSD, and any other issues that are going on in your life? I know that's a big step, but maybe a necessary one to help you sort through what's going on in your head. Subtracting the alcohol was the necessary first step, and congratulations to you on 18 days.

Ghostlight1

I went through the same thing and it kept me drunk for ten more years.
I was mourning the lose of my 'friend'.
But at the end, my friend had turned against me long ago and turned into something different altogether.
The enemy. And a formidable one.

Relief from the realities of life still continued as I drank, but it was different. I was just a drunk escaping life, no longer a part of it.
And the day after I was full of anxiety, fear and remorse. All due to my old friend.
In the end, I was addicted. I had lost my choice to drink, I had to drink.

The enemy kept me in its grips like this for ten years.
I couldn't escape. I had lost control. I was powerless over my old friend.
Reality was but a faded memory. Drunkenness my reality. Or recovering .

I had to get rid of my old friend. And it took work because it had taken over my life.
The only thing that changed when I quit was everything.
I no longer mourned my old friend, I despised him. We were locked in a battle for my being.

It took a long time to get free of him, but I finally did.
I learned how to enjoy life sober. I never wake up full of fear, anxiety and remorse.
I am present in my life, no loner controlled by a substance. I am free.
I don't mourn my old friend. In the end the good times were gone for a long time.

I am free. I can now handle life on life's terms.

MantaLady

After reading Ghostlights post I realised I missed your original point Kaily!

The drink is no friend of mine, it used to get me in trouble and then **** off and leave me to take the rap. It took my money, self respect, never listened to me and isolated me away from friends, family and life in general. This "friend" took my health too.

Do you know what I got in return? I got trapped into keeping this friend around so it could help me forget and numb that pain from all the things it was doing to me in the first place!! I don't need friends like that! xx

HTown

Yes, it is lonely and there are too many hours in the day at first. It is alot easiertodrink away boredom, but you must remember that drinking will shorten your life as well.

I got busy at home organizing my house. drawers, closets, etc. weekends were hard. then i added hobbies, and riding my bike. it is truly a whole new way of living, but I am happier now. I like myself. Hang in there.

Guener

I spent a lot of years drinking over my feelings that I didn't want to address.

I would be able to check out of reality for a few hours of disbelief in the way that I was really thinking, falsely thinking that I had gleaned some new insights into what I was going through, that my drinking pal (me) had figured some things out. Of course the only thing was is that I only felt that way when drinking, and the problems were just there as daunting as before or worse. In time I got to a point of drinking to just go to sleep over it, because I knew I wasn't fooling myself any longer, and when I'd wake up I'd start the whole wretched process over again, unless I was too sick to continue for a while.

I had to approach my issues with drinking and depression in multiple ways. The first thing was to stop the drinking for a time to figure out what I was able to do physically, but I got help from going through detox, rehab, IOP and individual therapy. It felt overwhelming but a relief from the cycle of drinking. I was not perfect in my path toward quitting, but I got better in time to get to my present situation, after losing pretty much everything. The last part proves how unreal that "friend" of alcohol can be to you, and you don't have to go there like I did.

Finally I have realized that I have to just never drink again, period, and despite hard days I have had with it, I do not pick up. My desire to not drink is stronger than any feelings that I have to wish away my real emotions. I still get regular therapy, practice thought management techniques to get through my moments, and I have some clear days of real, unadulterated happiness at leaving the booze behind. It is hard work.

I don't want to enslave myself anymore.

Anna

Kaily, if you haven't read "Drinking: A Love Story" by Caroline Knapp, you might like to check it out.

PhoenixJ

I know those feelings, K. I drank to escape myself- oblivion, I believed at least removed me from the self loathing, isolation and loneliness. But of course it did not. Where there is a spark of life- there IS hope. I needed daily support- here, meetings and professional support- GP, psychologist and counsellor. I still do.
Keep posting.
My prayers and support to you.

DriGuy

Alcohol as a friend is a metaphor. I understand that, but it's a lousy friend. It fills a gap and provides comfort short term, leads toward addiction, and makes it difficult to make better friends, actual friends who wish you happiness and joy. Alcohol has no feelings for you or your well being. It's not a person. It's not cunning baffling and powerful as AA claims. It's a chemical substance that leads to addiction which disrupts your life and the lives of people around you. It has no feelings and no empathy for you. As a friend, it's even a bad metaphor. But then I'm not much for poetry, especially when it glorifies a chemical substance by equating with friendship.

Dump your friend. It's a psychopath. It won't even care if you dump him. You're the only one in the friendship that loses in the relationship. Alcohol could care less one way or the other.

DriGuy

This reminds me of something. Boredom was probably my often used rationalization for drinking. When I got sober, 90% of that boredom went away (if it was even there to begin with). I don't know why. I can't explain the psychological mechanics that caused this change, but it was a most welcomed change. I still have brief periods of boredom, but they don't last, even when I decide to just let myself be bored, it goes away. It's actually fun observing the changes in my mood almost like an outsider <Now I'm bored. Now I'm content. Now I'm angry- oops. Now I feel grateful. Now I'm melancholy. Now I'm hopeful.> It's like a train ride through a landscape of emotions.

You know? Life is kind of fun.

Hevyn

Kaily - This was one of my biggest challenges. As you can see from what others have said, it's very common & to be expected in the early days.

I felt the same when I quit after 30 yrs. It had been my companion for every major event in my life - a part of all holidays, vacations, milestones. I had become reliant & dependent on it. Please know that the empty, lonely feeling will get better as you adjust to your new life. Stay here & talk to us - we understand like others can't. Sending love & support to you - congratulations on your 18 days.

mariposa

tekink

fini

Kaily,
being present and sober, and you don't like it. i hear you on that.
would it be true to say that you need "new ways" to be present and sober and haven't developed them yet?
it took me quite a while to see that i had trouble with the "present" bit, and also the flooding stuff from the past, and finally i turned to the 12-step program specifically for a different way of living, being present.
not saying at all that 12-step is what anyone should or shouldn't do, but that your lack of liking sober life the way it is right now might be an indicator that you need something in addition to not drinking.

DriGuy

I love this post. It was fun.

Dee74

I don't think anyone goes into recovery with all the answers Kaily - I had to relearn how to feel, how to have fun, how to celebrate, how to commiserate, how to reward myself and how to deal with my boredom and lack of self esteem.

All those things took time and effort.

I realised my sober life could be anything I wanted it to be, That was very feeing for me

I started with the idea that a positive mindset would attract positive things, people and feelings.

That was really hard for an old cynic like me - but it worked - in time.

Don't lose heart Kaily

Fearlessat50

Hi Kaily, congrats on 18 days. I also drank to self medicate and deal with past trauma, PTSD and loneliness. I found in the very beginning of sobriety that I was restless and bored. My therapist, who himself had 30 days of sobriety, pointed out this is very common for those in recovery. We spent so much time drinking and thinking about it and acquiring it, sometimes hiding it, that we don’t know what to do with all that time when we stop.

What helped me is to start finding new hobbies and connecting more to others to deal with loneliness. I did have to find new friends because the closest friends I had were problem drinkers like me. I started doing art projects which became very therapeutic. I also started a yoga class, running and meditation. I had to learn to just be still as well.

Stay strong. It does get better.

Kaily

Thanks to everyone who have shared their experiences and made suggestions to help me deal with how I am feeling. Its nice to know I am not alone.

I am still sober and still struggling.

I know that I really need professional help with regards my PTSD and I am currently on a NHS waiting list which I have been on for years!

I gave it all a lot of thought yesterday, there is obviously a huge part of me that does want to be sober otherwise I wouldn't be. It would be so easy to just drink.

Although I only have 19 days clear, I actually have 44 out of the last 50 days sober- Not bad considering I was drinking a bottle of vodka every day often with some wine thrown in as well. Best I have done in a long time.