Fearlessat50

I do not want to drink at the moment but I am keeping myself aware of potential relapse triggers. I am having a little bit of PTSD bought on by current events and remembering relief that alcohol brought me in past similar situations. When I was in college, it was the first time I heard about a shooting in the news. A disgruntled client had entered a building in SF with a gun and killed someone. My roommate and I were so saddened by this. We went out and drank to oblivion. A couple years before that, the second of two of my siblings committed suicide. Prior to that, he had threatened to take people out with him. Fortunately, he only took his own life.

Somehow, mass shootings always get to me. Even though I know no one who was shot (except I did know someone last year in the LV shooting). My mind goes to the past- that could have been my brother committing a mass shooting. My mind goes to the future too - could someone I know be a victim of a mass shooting? Could someone I know, perhaps someone’s kid, perhaps my own kid, commit such an act of violence?

Fires get me going too. A few years ago, I was having a picnic with friends in No Ca. A fire broke out. We had minutes to get out of the parking lot stuck in a long line of traffic. It was not that bad of a fire in hindsight. But it was scary. I had been three months sober at the time. Something about the adrenaline rush that fire escape gave me, driving through flames on both sides of the road, and the feeling of being alive, led to the choice to drink again. A year ago, when the firestorm happened, several friends got together to donate to fire victims. It seems everyone wanted to go to bars after the volunteering to drink. Why? I guess to drink away sadness for the victims, to celebrate our own life and escaping the fire, to take the edge off exhaustion and lack of sleep. I did not drink. I was 9 months sober at the time.

Here we are again with firestorms. Other than the smoke in the air, this does not directly affect me. But somehow it still does. I feel guilty his is affecting me. I have my home, my family, I haven’t loss anything. But I feel so sad for people who have lost everything.

In the meantime as I reflect on these things, my son is having a meltdown over something very trivial. And my husband is being annoying. I can’t go for a walk or a run because the air quality is hazardous.

I am not going to drink over any of this. I know all of this will pass. There is a light at the end of every tunnel. No one can take away my sobriety and I have the power of choice. I will take care of myself and practice gratitude today.

Thanks for listening.

entropy1964

Yeah homo sapiens are pretty much insane. All our fancy gadgets and technological advances can't hide the fact that we're pretty viscous, when it comes right down to it. And mother nature can only take so much. She's angry and its showing.

Sooooo live for today!!! You are sober. You have a kid and a husband to be irritated at! Silver lining.

Looking back at history? I'd rather be living now than say during the plague...childbirth in the 12th century? No thanks. Its all relative. And it's all very very human.

Hevyn

I'm glad you posted what you're feeling, Fearless. These are disturbing times, for sure. I thought we'd be in a much better place by the time I was 'older'.

The relief I imagined that alcohol gave me was a lie, though. It's very temporary & only masks our feelings. We don't work through them or learn to deal with them while we're numb. I did it for decades - with disastrous results. I'm glad we're all here, standing strong together to face whatever comes.

Anna

There is a lot of things on the news that are hard to watch. I have to be careful how much time I spend on the news. Since you can't get out, maybe you can find a good book to read. That's something I use as a distraction. I also find that music helps to soothe me.

Dee74

(((Fearless at 50)))

D

PhoenixJ

prayers and support to you

Fearlessat50

Thanks all, for your support. Stayed inside mostly. Exercised on the treadmill at home. Turned off the news. I’m going to make a habit of tuning out more often. Listened to music and immersed myself in a creative project and really happy how it’s turning out. It was like art therapy. Hubby took our son to an indoor trampoline park then clothes shopping so I had lots of time to myself. My son said to us tonight “I am lucky to have you as parents.” It was so great to hear him say that.

I feel silly what I posted this morning. I am so lucky. My life could really be so much worse. You are right, Frick. My “problems” are a silver lining.

Arpeggioh

I have a very low threshold for news these days. Tragedy and outrage are what draw in the viewers, so that will always be the focus, and I find it distressing. I like to imagine all the billions of kind and charitable acts and reassurances that are occurring all over the world at any given moment, the goodness that doesn't make the headlines. It's my "anti-CNN vaccine..."

Have a peaceful day

D122y

Fear,

Active uneducated addiction is blind. If a person drinks 2 units a day or 5 units...which is 2 strong double anything's more than once or twice a month...they are addicted.

That is how I drank in the end. Pulling out of that was a hell like I have never experienced. It was nearly impossible if not for SR.

The addiction is nearly instant due to the initial euphoria. The uneducated addict chases it.

So, we can't save folks from drinking unless they want help.

I don't envy drunk people. It is a bad look. Glazed eyes, silly smile, slurred words etc etc.

The booze alters the dopamine production. Addicts, which are a large part of the American public, need booze to feel happy. Even though it is a very short and fleeting happiness, they want it.

It takes months for dopamine production to normalize. Exercise is huge.

I can't worry about so called normies, I have laundry to do. We cant save them.

Looking forward to coffee and breakfast.

Happy Sunday!

Thanks for the therepy.