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Old 11-09-2018, 08:28 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Uhmm....hi?


I'm not sure how this works.

I've been sober for the past 20 days. No alcohol since October 19. It's been a rorough road.
I haven't had the desire to drink. I want sobriety so badly.
Tonight I just found out my mother is in the last stages of lung and liver cancer.......
I've never a "needed" a drink so badly before.
Any ideas on how to get through this without relapsing? Any advice would be appreciated.
Thank you. (And sorry if I posted in the wrong group? I'm not all the savvy when it comes to online anything.)
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Old 11-09-2018, 08:38 PM   #2 (permalink)
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realize and accept the cold fact that YOUR drinking fixes nothing(never has/never will)...if anything it makes matters worse for all involved.

Sorry about your mother.
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Old 11-09-2018, 09:02 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Sidekick

I’m so sorry about your mom. How awful.

Deep down, we know having a drink will only bring remorse among other troubles both physically and financially and not take away your moms terrible dc
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Old 11-09-2018, 09:06 PM   #4 (permalink)
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You’re in the right place for support

Really great on almost three weeks😍
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Old 11-09-2018, 09:08 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Maybe hit some meetings up and get it off your chest there too. Something about f2f interaction when dealing with 'real life $hit' has always been a big help in my recovery. I've got some great friends I bounce my 'life stuff' off of now (they come to me now too) and it's a huge help..without them, i'd be talking to a stranger at a bar.
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Old 11-09-2018, 10:43 PM   #6 (permalink)
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I took my drinking to a new low when my mother was diagnosed with lung cancer...taking her to all her appointments...Chemo..specialists...eventually the hospital and hospice when it became terminal. I just couldn't cope. I would give anything to go back and be sober for that time. I feel guilt still ten years later. I don't know the secret of dealing with the pain...the stress...but I wish I hadn't done it with a bottle. It's not the way I wanted to spend the last time I had with my mom...
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Old 11-09-2018, 11:08 PM   #7 (permalink)
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So sorry to hear about your Mum Sidekick.

From what you say you are desperate for sobriety so you will feel a million times worse if you drink now.

Your Mum needs you to be present and available for her.

Play the tape forward as they say, think how you will feel in the morning with a hangover, regrets and anxiety.

Drinking will not make you or your Mum better it will only make you feel worse in the long run.
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Old 11-09-2018, 11:35 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Hugs to you , Sidekick. What terrible news. I am so sorry. You have come to the right place . Congratulations on 3 weeks , that is great. Don't toss that all away now.

Thinking of you. Hang on.
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Old 11-10-2018, 12:04 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Sidekick, the guilt feeling after having the drink to "chase the blues away" will be far worse than the strongest urge to drink. Staying strong will help you through the tough times ahead. Praying for you and your mom. When the addictive voice gets loud try to change the thought pattern by doing something, any thing to get your mind elsewhere. Do the dishes, sweep the floor laundry walk the dog, (if you have one). Anything that will fill your mind with different thoughts. Do you have a friend or sponsor to call at times like this?
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Old 11-10-2018, 12:06 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Hi Sidekick. So sorry to hear that your mum is having to go through this. Like others have mentioned a drink isn’t going to help you get through. It will make you feel worse, take away your ability to be present for your mum and for you too. I am not sure what country you are in but in the U.K. we have Macmillan which is a charity that supports cancer sufferers and their families and they are great. Wherever you are look up something similar and get engaged with them. It will help to talk to others who are in the same situation.

The best thing you can do for your mum is to stay sober, be present and clear headed. My gran became ill when I was still drinking and I got a DUI so I couldn’t visit her very much (she lived 200 miles away). I used to call her for a chat and she could tell I had had a drink and she worried about me so much. I still get upset and regret making her worry about me in the time she had left with us, I wish I had stayed sober and been able to let her know I was going to be ok.

AA might be a good option too as you will meet people and get support from people who get it, people who also use alcohol to cope with the stresses of life. Here you can be honest and open and not internalise your feelings.

Keep posting and take care of yourself, SR is a great place for support with lots of wise and caring people. You don’t have to do this alone. xx
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Old 11-10-2018, 02:41 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Hi SideKick

My alcoholism was an opportunistic beast - it would use whatever it could to get me to drink again - the more 'valid' the reason the better.

I never thought of myself as strong. I was scared of almost everything in my life, but most of all I was scared of not being strong enough, of not measuring up.

I eventually 'needed' a drink to get started in the morning - things got that bad.

About 5 ye[I]ars ago - after being sober for 5 years - one of my best friends died from cancer - he was only in his early forties.

One of the gifts I've been given in recovery is being able to spend those last months with him, sober and clear headed.

I learned a lot from that guy and I learned alot about myself and I wouldn't trade the experience for anything, as sad and as tragic as it was.

You are stronger and more capable than you know. Be with your mom now - she needs you and you her. Don't let your fear beat you down.

You can do this sober

Welcome

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Old 11-10-2018, 03:33 AM   #12 (permalink)
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welcome- minute by minute...cravings come in waves. Distract- go for a walk If you are
Hungry-eat
Angry- mindful breathing, exercise, talk to someone, post here, go to a meeting, talk to a counsellor
Lonely - go to a meeting, people watch in a mall, meet someone for a coffee, post here
Tired/thirsty- hydrate, rest
Sad/stressed- journal, talk to someone, post here, go to a meeting

aka 'HALTS'.

Meetngs and SR help me a lot.

Support to you.
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Old 11-10-2018, 03:45 AM   #13 (permalink)
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20 days sober is great, SideKick! My condolences about your mom's health, that's rough. One thing that helped me here at SR was posting in the monthly thread they have here, it's like a new person's club. It's the October 2018 thread now, right there in the Newcomer's Forum thread list. Newly sober people like yourself along with a few wily sober veterans for seasoning.
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Old 11-10-2018, 05:20 AM   #14 (permalink)
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https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...rt-2-a-12.html (Class of October 2018 Part 2)

Past months threads are always in the Daily Support forum

D
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Old 11-10-2018, 05:38 AM   #15 (permalink)
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I never knew a support group would help. I've always done things on my own , and very much alone. With all the comments and encouragement, I made it.....
Day 21.
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Old 11-10-2018, 06:18 AM   #16 (permalink)
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Woot woot!!
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Old 11-10-2018, 06:54 AM   #17 (permalink)
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I accept that death is part of life. As hard as that sounds, none of us get of this alive, ya know? My parents are both coming to the end of the road. I'm in my 50's...that's what happens. I'm not making light, trust me. I just see so many people that feel that someone else's death or illness is a reason for them to destroy themselves. Doesn't make sense, does it?

If you are close to your mom and want to be there for her, don't drink. You will never regret walking through this with strength and compassion. If you drink, you won't be there for her or yourself. And that will be regretful.

Hang in there.
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Old 11-10-2018, 07:08 AM   #18 (permalink)
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Hey, Sidekick, I've always been a loner, too, very much self-reliant. When things got out of my control I was forced to depend upon other people to help me back up. Today, and especially here, I find it liberating to work with others to strive into sobriety and with less self-consciousness. Day 21 is fantastic, keep it going, and please hang around with u,s in the days ahead.
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Old 11-10-2018, 07:22 AM   #19 (permalink)
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Side,

Sorry for your mom. Mine died a few years ago from cancer after 15 years of battling. I was drunk at her funeral.

All of the previous offerings are amazing and supportive.

Add to this the knowledge that what we drunks deal with is physical addiction and mental chemical imbalance.

The physical goes away after a few weeks or so. The mental takes years to recover to a level of...less terrible. But, it never, ever, ever goes away. Hence folks regretting relapse after decades of sobriety.

It deals with the lack lack of dopamine caused by the use of brain altering substances. The dopamine eventually normalizes, but as an addict for life, without education, feeling good is a reason to drink.

I had to suffer horrific times to get this clean. Most folks don't make it out. It is a journey we must endure, and enjoy, for the rest of ourmlives.

I wear my sobriety like a badge of honor. It is my way to keep this path.

Thanks.
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When I crave I think of the next day after effects:

high blood pressure, sleep issues, strength loss, immune system compromise (sick).

BpSSS. My mantra.

Studied "alcohol kindling" and "alcohol PAWS."

Last intoxication: 8 May 15.
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Old 11-10-2018, 07:31 AM   #20 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Frickaflip233 View Post
I accept that death is part of life. As hard as that sounds, none of us get of this alive, ya know? My parents are both coming to the end of the road. I'm in my 50's...that's what happens. I'm not making light, trust me. I just see so many people that feel that someone else's death or illness is a reason for them to destroy themselves. Doesn't make sense, does it?

If you are close to your mom and want to be there for her, don't drink. You will never regret walking through this with strength and compassion. If you drink, you won't be there for her or yourself. And that will be regretful.

Hang in there.
These sentiments on death are echoed in the writings of Epictetus. Lot's of Stoicism (the philosophy, not the mood) deal with external factors that can be painful and are out of out our control. Many find them helpful. The Enchiridion is not dense reading, but similar to eastern proverbs ie. "nuggets of wisdom".
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Enchiridion_of_Epictetus
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