Welcome and appreciate any words of wisdom
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 2
Welcome and appreciate any words of wisdom
I'm the 57-year old wife of a man who has been drinking every day of our 35-year marriage. We've survived cancer, foreclosure, relocation to another state. Our three daughters are grown and out of the house now, so I finally found the courage to tell him our marriage was over. I gave him the option of staying legally married so he could stay on my health insurance (he is self-employed). That was a month ago.
Since then... he has joined AA and goes to 3 meetings a week. He has moved out (something I was sure he would not do). He's agreed to separating assets and says he wants to earn my trust back and save our marriage.
I am ... truly very happy that he is acknowledging the problem and working AA ... although cautious because we've been here before. beyond thrilled that I don't have to fight to get him out of the house and that he is cooperating with separating assets (I am the earner). But frankly very surprised at how this is happening ... I really expected resistance and anger. His reaction has really thrown me off, and I don't know how to manage this now. I DO think I deserve space and time to assess if I like living by myself (we met when I was 17!). Even if he is sober, I'm not sure I can forgive him ... and if I can, do I want to live with him? I don't dislike everything about him; I want him to be happy but I deserve to be happy too. I AM angry, I am resentful of the things this disease has taken from me and my daughters ... who will always bear the weight of having an alcoholic father. I am sad. I am frustrated. I am stressed. I am old and won't live forever. I feel pressure to do the right thing and live my best life now because this too will pass quickly. When do I stop throwing good money after bad?
Since then... he has joined AA and goes to 3 meetings a week. He has moved out (something I was sure he would not do). He's agreed to separating assets and says he wants to earn my trust back and save our marriage.
I am ... truly very happy that he is acknowledging the problem and working AA ... although cautious because we've been here before. beyond thrilled that I don't have to fight to get him out of the house and that he is cooperating with separating assets (I am the earner). But frankly very surprised at how this is happening ... I really expected resistance and anger. His reaction has really thrown me off, and I don't know how to manage this now. I DO think I deserve space and time to assess if I like living by myself (we met when I was 17!). Even if he is sober, I'm not sure I can forgive him ... and if I can, do I want to live with him? I don't dislike everything about him; I want him to be happy but I deserve to be happy too. I AM angry, I am resentful of the things this disease has taken from me and my daughters ... who will always bear the weight of having an alcoholic father. I am sad. I am frustrated. I am stressed. I am old and won't live forever. I feel pressure to do the right thing and live my best life now because this too will pass quickly. When do I stop throwing good money after bad?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 2
reading that post ... it sounds like I really don't want this marriage. Maybe I don't ... but I do acknowledge the obvious benefits ... keeping it simple for my family (new wives??), the history/lives we've shared, basic values/preferences for how we live and plan to retire, etc. Is that enough of a reason to keep a marriage? Sex not good for years now (not that important to me, but it always comes up in these discussions). Is this worth a fight? I just don't know.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2018
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 1,339
There is forum devoted precisely to what you are going through, and maybe one of the Admins will move this over there for you:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ters-siblings/
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ters-siblings/
Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: North East, USA
Posts: 704
From an Alcoholic perspective in AA we are not to make any major decisions in the first year of sobriety. So many changes come with early sobriety. Feelings of all sorts and inability to know or recall how to deal with them.
From the spouse of the alcoholic perspective, and I was that wife in "to the wives" (AA big book) well before I was an alcoholic. (In fact I started drinking when the alcoholic left me! Such a smartie I am) Only you can determine the pros and cons.
Both sides need time. Time to heal and time for you to see real change. He needs to really get to work.
I dont envy you but I think you will figure out in time what you need and if you're getting it.
As for sex? Some newly sober people can't do it. When I got sober I suddenly felt like a 15 year old girl with a crush on every cute boy I laid eyes on. Lol.
Good luck. Really examine what is best for you. You have sacrificed much. I really identify with both rolls here.
Jules
From the spouse of the alcoholic perspective, and I was that wife in "to the wives" (AA big book) well before I was an alcoholic. (In fact I started drinking when the alcoholic left me! Such a smartie I am) Only you can determine the pros and cons.
Both sides need time. Time to heal and time for you to see real change. He needs to really get to work.
I dont envy you but I think you will figure out in time what you need and if you're getting it.
As for sex? Some newly sober people can't do it. When I got sober I suddenly felt like a 15 year old girl with a crush on every cute boy I laid eyes on. Lol.
Good luck. Really examine what is best for you. You have sacrificed much. I really identify with both rolls here.
Jules
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,460
It sounds like you're feeling confused and unsure at the moment, in view of your husband's decision to get sober. Of course, you should express your feelings to him about wanting space and time for yourself. Your needs are important and you should take time to make decisions that work for you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2018
Posts: 591
Give it time. Remain separated for a good amount of time. You are not obligated to forgive him. Maybe recognize his efforts and support his sobriety but you do not have to continue to live with him. I have a friends mom who got out after 27 years of living with a heavy drinker, met a new man and is extremely happy. For the sake of the daughter be civil but you really do have the right to walk away from it.
You'll find lots of support here. 
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,413
He is early in sobriety and relapse is a real possibility.
Time will tell how solid his recovery really is.
Take your time and work on your own healing and enjoying the peace of living without the chaos of an active addict in your home.
Why settle now?
Time will tell how solid his recovery really is.
Take your time and work on your own healing and enjoying the peace of living without the chaos of an active addict in your home.
Why settle now?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 7
I like the fact that you care about him and want him to be happy but you are right in saying you deserve to be happy too. This is just how I feel about my wife as well. Also I am 58 and not old and neither are you. We have many years left to enjoy our lives. Hope all goes well for you
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,637
In my family- I am that alcoholic husband. My end came with (for a time) fatal burns- because of booze blackout. That is just to preempt...
We are going thru divorce and I agreed with my ex's wants. I keep a respectful distance. I am sober 2y 9m (so some credibility, I suppose) and do not live in the family home. I only converse with my ex when she contacts me, and have only been back to our home once to pick up stuff- by appointment..and not before or since. I think the likelihood of getting back together is nil. I have enough dealing with my issues- and she has to build a new independent life- without me there..too much damage. We are of similar age and marriage years to you. My ex has told me she forgives, but cannot forget- and I do not want her to.
I am accountable and responsible for all the damage, hurt, shame and all the crap I served out. My family needs to heal. If my 2 adult sons, or my ex wishes to contact me- then I would welcome that (so in that context I have not started a /new' life and left them behind, but it has to be on their terms, not mine).
There is too much work for me to do on myself- and that has to be, and is my focus.
My prayers to you and your family.
We are going thru divorce and I agreed with my ex's wants. I keep a respectful distance. I am sober 2y 9m (so some credibility, I suppose) and do not live in the family home. I only converse with my ex when she contacts me, and have only been back to our home once to pick up stuff- by appointment..and not before or since. I think the likelihood of getting back together is nil. I have enough dealing with my issues- and she has to build a new independent life- without me there..too much damage. We are of similar age and marriage years to you. My ex has told me she forgives, but cannot forget- and I do not want her to.
I am accountable and responsible for all the damage, hurt, shame and all the crap I served out. My family needs to heal. If my 2 adult sons, or my ex wishes to contact me- then I would welcome that (so in that context I have not started a /new' life and left them behind, but it has to be on their terms, not mine).
There is too much work for me to do on myself- and that has to be, and is my focus.
My prayers to you and your family.
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