Ryabd

So here I am in a place that i never thought i would be at in my life. Never in my wildest dreams did I think that i would land at a meeting with a bunch of strangers whom I had a very large common trait. I have been heading down this track for some time and every time I have tried to pump the brakes, I would only slightly slow down and the train would return at greater speeds.
My wife has known there was an issue for some time, I kept re assuring her i have it under control, all the while in the back of my head knew it was all a lie.
I had been looking into going to a meeting for months, this weekend's black outs and lying are what did it for me. I am done. I can't control it anymore and this is not what I want for me or my family. This senario has played out more times than I can remember so it was just like any other weekend.
Yesterday I spent the morning hungover from the day before, playing out what I may or may not have done or said to my family and how they view me. I found myself sitting in an empty parking lot at a meeting place i had known about for some time. I got there early and secretly i had hoped no one showed up and I could tell my wife it was canceled or continue the lying streak. Sweating, crying and upset at myself as the cars started funneling into the parking lot, I gathered enough courage to walk in and take a seat. It was all a blur.
I found myself settling down about halfway through, at this point i had just announced my name, and sat and listened. Then the strangest thing happens, I announced to a room of strangers that I had a drinking problem and that I am an alcoholic. I had only admitted this hundreds of times to myself, in private. It was like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Just saying those words.
I didn't say much about anything else other than I know it's time to stop and that was the reason I walked through the door.
I feel like crap today, my body is a wreck. Everything hurts, emotionally and physically. But i didn't drink yesterday and I don't plan to today. Thats as much as I know at this point. I am glad I went and I will be back.

ChloeRose63

Congrats! You took a major step and should be proud of just how strong you are in wanting to live a better life!
Welcome to SR! You will find lots of support here 24/7!
Thank you for sharing your story with us.

Goat

Welcome Ryabd! I am so glad you found us. I could have written something very similar to what you just posted when I first found meetings and SR.

You are definitely among friends here.

soberclover

So glad you are here!!

gettingsmarter

Good job. Admitting to another human being that we have a problem is very powerful. Keep it up.
Also, just to say this outloud, once we reach a point where drinking always takes us to the same horrible place, it doesn't matter how much you want to be a normal drinker. Drinking will always eventually bring us back to that horrible place. You can stop the madness forever.

Anna

Welcome! You will find lots of support here.

Dee74

Welcome Ryan

D

Stronger2017

Hi Ryan 😀 I'm really happy to read you're taking some action to get sober!

Bird615

Beautiful.

Welcome, Ryabd!

Ryabd

I'm back again. I wanted to give an update, more to put things in text and go through the process or writing my thoughts down than anything else. Last september was a low point in my life, marriage and pretty much everything and I decided to give up the bottle on the 9/16/17. I was successful and was sober for 4 months and somehow I talked my self back into the same pattern that I had l gotten away from. I Discussed it with my wife and decided that I did not really have a problem and I wanted to allow myself to drink if i wanted to. By the way, the 4 months I didn't drink, I lost weight, work improved, sleep improved, life in general improved...so what the heck was I thinking that going back was the right move. This summer, I found myself getting deeper and deeper into the booze, trying to not drink through the week days and just loading up on the weekends. So much so that I felt like I was detoxing every monday-Thurs only to start the process over again on Friday. Heavy drinking too, right from the bottle. This weekend more of the same.I could easily kill two handles on a long weekend, My wife obviously disproves and last night was yet another fight about my behavior. I know what I am choosing when I drink but it seems that I make the wrong choice each and every time. We don't do things as a family on the weekends anymore because either I am hungover or still drunk. I made a commitment to my family to get better and reset this morning. I know what I need to do, I am tired of this lifestyle and am choosing to get help. The last year I have come to this site and read the stories, many similar to my own and yet I over and over convince myself that I am fine. I am ready to feel good again, there are too many positives in my life to let this drag me back down. thanks for listening.

Fearlessat50

Hi Ryan! Glad you are back! I think most of us have done this early in recovery, thinking we can go back to moderation. While it may be possible in the beginning, we usually wind up right back where we were often with an even bigger problem. For me, I had to finally accept I could never go back to drinking any amount. The AV will come back and try to convince me otherwise, but I have to fight it.

It does get easier over time. I like my life so much better sober, to be honest. No one ever “deserves” a drink.

Do you have a plan for long term sobriety?

I hope you will keep posting here for support.

Guener

I'm sure that you will hear more about developing a plan for your recovery and sobriety or read about it on SR. I remember, too, my first AA meeting and the relief it brought to verbalize my alcoholism in front of people who understood, so thanks for bringing up that memory in me today as I continue early on to strive to be sober. It's great to have you here!

Alynn

biminiblue

That voice that says, "Oh, one will be fine."

Squash that with everything you've got.

People like us who drink too much have no business drinking. Complete abstinence is so much better and easier than doing that crazy-dance with a bottle.

I hope you'll decide to save your own life.

lessgravity

Good for you to come back, I know I did many times until I finally turned the corner forever.

I too drank in similar ways, betraying myself and the family who I owed so much more My drinking eventually spilled over into the days between the weekend, I was walking a thin line, giving in to the booze and risking losing everything - my family, my career, and everything else.

But, as you know, it can be done. You need to work, commit, sacrifice and perhaps most importantly accept that you can never drink again. Whatever the method (mine was not AA), there are means to do it and so much support here.

Welcome back.

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Anna

I'm glad that you're back and ready to live a sober life.

Ryabd

Thanks for all the kind words. I don't have a plan other than not drink today, that is as far as I have gotten. As I get a little further down the path, the plan will likely come into focus. I went to meetings for the first 3 months I was sober last year, Most were productive and it felt more like therapy for me than a method to get and stay sober. There was an exchange saw take place that really turned me off.

biminiblue

Meetings can be be pretty emotionally charged and not everyone who attends meetings is a bastion of mental health. I think that's true of any group of people. In AA there aren't any real rules and no one is in charge. What could go wrong?

They do say, "Take what you like and leave the rest."

With that said, I don't go to meetings any more though I did find them mostly helpful in the first three months of sobriety. I spent and spend time on this site every day and I spend time searching out ways to cope with various people and situations.

There are lots of podcasts and books and various recovery methods. Keep searching!

Wholesome

Stick to the plan of not drinking. No matter what.

That's the hard part of quitting - the not drinking - but that's what everyone has to do to quit. Never do it again.

I found the difficulty was entirely up to me and how I framed it in my mind. I had to learn to conquer the enemy from within.

You can do this.

NerfThis

Welcome back!

Honestly, nearly all of us have thought we can somehow control it after a few months of being sober and feeling great, but sadly we can't. We're all so easily fooled into thinking that a few weeks or months sober means we've solved the mystery of how to drink normally.

I, like you saw very similar stories to my own when I first joined. It's because of this that I realized no matter how hard I try, there will always be those situations where my drinking is out of control, even if a lot of the time I drank normally. I also realized that the fact I had to try at all means I shouldn't drink. Normal people don't have to 'try' in order to drink sensibly.

Also, I hated that I couldn't do things with my husband like go out and enjoy dinner on the weekend because I'd be too hungover which is something you mention as an issue.

Always remember that it's a LOT easier to give up all together than it is to try to moderate.