need marital advise and to vent
 

I first want to say that I am sober a little over 10 months. My husband still drinks daily, mostly beer but I just found a bottle of whisky tucked away in the refrigerator. In the last month or so he has been out of character... very nice and strange acting. I know that sounds weird but he is not acting normal. He is being super nice and buying me things. His bathroom is right by the laundry room and yesterday I was going to start a load of laundry and I heard his shower going and the music was going extremely loud so I thought that I would wait on starting the laundry so he would have plenty of hot water.... then I heard him talking and I'm thinking that he couldn't be talking on the phone with the shower going and the music playing so loud ... I listened and he was talking to someone. I couldn't make out what he was saying so I just went on into the kitchen and a few moments later he came out of the bathroom completely dry. I have heard him do this before and just thought maybe he was singing to the music but looking back I see that he was talking on the phone and making it so I couldn't hear what he was doing. We don't have the best relationship to begin with but this is really bothering me and I know if I ask him about it he will just lie. It seems to be his first instinct when talking to me is to lie or make up stories even about the most stupid things. So I know if I want to know the truth I will have to spy on him... He smells like beer everyday and now he has started drinking whisky and acting weird. Whatever he's doing he will say it's my fault. It's funny when I stopped drinking I had to analyze what my triggers to drink were and I realized one of the biggest ones were him. I'm in a weird place emotionally now and this is the only place I feel safe to talk about it. I have a very public career and I keep my personal life as private as possible. This is all. I guess I will try and figure out what he's up to and not drink.

Dear LadyBugg66, If he is the trigger and behaving badly on top of it, gather all your strength and stay focused - don't drink.

I'm not good at sneaky.

I would straight up ask him. Of course, no honesty is to be expected. I would just want him to know I knew.

The fact he is talking on the phone and hiding the conversations from you, doesn't sound good. Trust your instincts on this and above all, stay sober.

Sounds sketchy, all right.

Doesn't sound good to me. :( Stay sober no matter what. If it were me I'd tell him I know something's up.

Thank you all for your responses. I agree with everything everyone has said. I will confront him .... not expecting the truth but letting him know I know somethings not right. Maybe it will nip things in the bud before it goes to far and there is not a chance of working thru it. Alcohol has been on my mind a lot this last month with the stress of him acting strange. It's hard with him still drinking as well.

I think if it were me I would just end it, and not say why. He doesn’t sound like an equal partner or healthy complement, you don’t trust him anyway because you know of him as a person who won’t communicate. It sounds toxic and like nipping it off as drama free as possible is best. He gets to have his story, and you get yours. No hard feelings. Everyone moves forward with the direction of their lives that they have chosen.

Many years ago I had a husband that constantly lied and cheated on me. In the end he made me so insecure that I didn't know whether I was coming or going and could barely function- He then left me and my 3 year old daughter saying I was mad!

I wasn't mad I was having a breakdown caused by entirely by him, his lies and his mistress.

Emotional abuse is a cruel thing, I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

DON'T let it happen to you LadyBug.

Trust your instincts . They are seldom wrong. :grouphug:

I'm so sorry, that sounds SUPER shady. I wouldn't confront him until I had proof (but I would work on getting proof...) :grouphug:

Ugh. Well, I think I’d spy a bit and accumulate some more evidence if possible, then I’d confront him. Then I’d leave. Bexxed idea sounds good too, though, if you think whatever you do is just prolonging the inevitable.

The biggest priority is to stay grounded in your own recovery. Don’t slip back into drinking. Think about healthy replacements when you are feeling triggered. Good luck!

I assume that you have access to your phone records. For most providers, you can look up every call that has been made or received very easily. It will show you the time of the call, duration of the call, and phone number. Obviously, there is a good chance that the same number has been called many, many times over a significant period of time. More important, prepare yourself emotionally as best you can for what you are going to learn. This kind of news can be devastating. Make a plan for how you will stay sober if you learn that your spouse is cheating on you. Good luck. I'm sorry this is happening.

He was with a different cell phone provider than me and then switched to my cell phone provider. I told him that he could join the family plan on my account and it would be cheaper for him and he made a sketchy story that since he uses it for work he can't be on anything but a single plan. It's funny when you look back at stuff and think.... how did I fall for that?

Same $hit happened when I got sober and had a longterm GF with a major drinking problem ..More will be reveiled in time...then go from there. That's what I did. happily single for over a year now..couldn't be more at piece without her nonsense in my life. It's amazing the 'crap' we realize that we were either not aware of or 'masking' with our own vices.

Trust your gut, and protect your sobriety.