allishope73

Hello kind people. I m determined. Today removed ciggarettes. Yesterday alcohol today ciggaretes and sweating. Relapsers know that after body detoxed each relapse is worse. I do not have problem with drinking i can do this pretty well but i have problem to stop drinking. But i did last time and really had no cravings after couple of days. My anxiety is dual.issue and i m preparing myself mentally to bear and adress both. Hard very hard . I would go and buy ciggarettes but i know its poison and i was feeling better when no smoking. I think folks can identify as if i use alcohol ciggarettes must be . Actually it s kinda motivating as after couple of days i expierience no ciggarete craving so a shame to waste effort. Therefore i m bearing . Today is hard day 2AF 1 CF but i did month ago so i can do now . Nothing nasty for me . This is part of plan i m glad i kept posting and writing. I m more open to talk about more painful issues and i know if there will be time i need to write here i will do. Nothing is silly to write if helps to avoid self medication . I have doctor on 9 november i will discuss how to adress anxiety in long term . I might ask for additional help. Even if a good chat. It is a very good doctor i trust her ...a bit of shame i see her once in three months but grateful for this. Making coffee and into action. Whoever detoxed alone knows the score. Not a pleasent feeling. Scary... but day 3 will be better. Please have all safe Sunday whatever doing x D

D122y

All,

You sound like me. You understand what we are up against and you are war ready to battle when you have to.

Knowledge is power. We have to go through hell before we get to heaven.

I keep reading and posting. Whatever works.

Thanks.

allishope73

Thank you . I might think there are more folks like us here. Nobody would use a poison if not underlying issues. So many women and men self medicate and end up totally messed up. I do worry as i read about this kindling stuff. I wonder if i damaged my brain or this will pass. Its so hard to different what is stress what is alcohol impact on brain . Chicken or egg. I m more aware on addiction learning from observation and from reading here. I was at AA mtg and people like 10 years sober still feeling crazy sometimes. I was thinking how ...you are so many years sober you should be in peace ...but it might be impact of alcohol abuse over years . Natural consequences. But i do respect and admire those people as despite feeling not well they carried out sobriety. I think our education on alcohol is not enough . Universities teach theories . Its not the liver that suffers its brain ....scary. I do not know if i did damage or not. I m avoiding doctors. But i d need to go check my health ...just its another stress so i avoid as first deal with proper detoxing. I know too much stress not working for me. I ve been abusing now over three years . Started about 42 binge relapser . If i had that knowladge i have now it d save me a lot of problems. However after first binge i begged my husband to get to recovery place . At the end had to do it myself alone. I was frustrated as i came to docs different agencies and all were saying nope you were not an alcoholic. I was saying i am as i do binge. It was early stage . After i tried and lapsed tried and failed but learning . I never gave up on sobriety. After i learnt about dual diagnosis how we overcompensate stress or sedate. It is very true mental health is neglected in the country. If you have cancer you go to treatment . Either you make it or not. Mental health alcoholism or any ism is a life battle . And it is as much death sentence as cancer if not treated . I remember my fav musician Ville Valo who said if you want to be an addict make sure you have plenty of money and you can enter private treatment. He made it. Alone is harder. But its possible and i hung on this . Thank you x D

Dee74

you can do this allishope

D

Guener

You're clearly giving a lot of thought to your recovery, allishope, and as a person who is introspective I appreciate posts like yours that ask hard questions about the past and that look to the future.

allishope73

Thanks is Dee saying i ll make it i will x its harder this time ...very cold outside i m terryfied how i survive winter. My mother called from home thousands miles away and said do not give up . She said i m strong and i ll have my life back. Its important as only family member left and since marriage fell we rebuild up relationship. She saw that i m trying and she saw my husband and told him he should be embarrased what his conduct and leaving me in the situation. But i said its ok i agree to divorce in December case but house is priority and my well being vs recovery. So going to lawyer today to hear the decision. I m somehow calm strange maybe panick will come later i m ready. Of coursa no sleep but its classic symptom stick to day ten should be easier and sleep will improve. I m so scared of brain but my friend advised i was not so advanced and no sign however i feel scatty more than ever for a scatty person ...it might be stress. So hanging on here as planned. Thanks for reading x D

D122y

All,

In my experience the healing has just gotten better and better. I do work out 4 to 7 days a week though and I feel it has sped up my recovery.

But, I am essentially 4 years clean...so it has been a long process and I still feel growth.

Thanks.