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Old 10-27-2018, 10:49 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Join Date: Sep 2018
Location: Toronto
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2 months today

I'm not really sure what I have to add, other than I'm two months into recovery and I'm definitely still in the early high stages of it all. My emotions overall are all over the place, though there are definitely way more highs than lows. Before when I drank, I thought I knew how to be happy, or sad or angry. BUt looking back, I realise I was just mostly numb. I barely felt, I didn't dream, I didn't interact with the world.

I thought I had a great relationship with my friends and work and life. But I've come to see that I was just using all of them, using them as a way towards my next drinking session. And that slowly evolved into being happy binge drinking by myself, listening to music or watching films. Because drinking became the only way I actually felt something. I felt...calm? Or happy? I don't know how to describe it.

But now it's like I know what real emotions are, like when I'm happy, I'm over the moon. And it can come from nowhere, like I'm walking down the street and I just start smiling. But when I'm sad or angry, it's like the dial is turned to 11. I've noticed I've a shorter temper. I was always quite shy, and with drinking, my inhibitions were lowered, and it was great. When I drank. Being sober in between the drinking sessions i was worse than ever. Being sober sober now, it's become a balancing act, I've had to learn how to control my nerves and my anxiety and social shyness, but I'm actually not as bad as I thought. It'll make my skin crawl to do something, but I'll do it. Before, I never would.

And me time. Oh my god, having time to yourself. And not drinking. I actually look back and think how i ever managed to fit drinkinging in the first week or so, i had to consciously fill in my time, eat constantly to curb the cravings, but now, I naturally want to get up and do stuff, get out of the house on the weekends. Or even be happy in my own company on a night in and watch a TV show. Dreaming again for the first time in about 7 years is still an adjustment, and I know it's only been two months, but I couldn't be more thankful, and even proud, of myself.

Reading the posts here everyday helps so much, watching people go through the same thing. So thank you. Even if you don't know it, you've been a great help!!
"The insides of our own minds are the scariest things there are."

- Robin McKinley
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Anna (10-27-2018), D122y (10-27-2018), entropy1964 (10-27-2018), Hevyn (10-27-2018), Hopeful528 (10-27-2018), Kaily (10-27-2018), least (10-27-2018), mnjen (10-28-2018), Mummyto2 (10-27-2018), PhoenixJ (10-27-2018), plop (10-28-2018), theVman31 (10-28-2018), topspin (10-27-2018)
Old 10-27-2018, 11:53 AM   #2 (permalink)

Join Date: Oct 2018
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Congratulations, Iím jealous of your two months. It will take a lot of learning to live life on lifeís terms. You are on the path to peace. Your life sounds content, and doing inner reflection. Iím day 6, still assessing the damage and seeing what a long road I have ahead of me. 2 months is great, stay strong 💪
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Old 10-27-2018, 11:57 AM   #3 (permalink)
bona fido dog-lover
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Congrats on two months sober! Keep going, it gets better.
I'd rather live in my car with my dogs than live in a castle without them.

Dogs may not be our whole lives, but they make our lives whole.

Don't wait for the Last Judgement. It takes place every day. -Albert Camus

Find the good and praise it. - Alex Haley

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Hopeful528 (10-27-2018)
Old 10-27-2018, 12:25 PM   #4 (permalink)

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Iím a couple of weeks behind you but I could have written that post. I didnít have a short temper until now, I think like you I was too numb to care. Can relate to nearly everything you have said.

Well done on the 2 months is ďonlyĒ 2 months but if youíre like me 1 day would have been too long. 2 months is fabulous.
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Old 10-27-2018, 01:40 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Location: Soberville, USA
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The main thing is not to drink. The world owes me nothing. The brain damage will remain and knowing that drinking makes it worse is a great reason to not start ever again.

My boss actually looks down on me sometimes as he know I stopped being a drunk. The whole support thing is there in lip service, but active drunks look at quitters and non drinkers as weak. I did. Except the next day. The non drinkers, e.g. my wife, had tons of energy. I was a wreck.

I accept this way forward. Fine with me. I made my bed. It could be so much worse.

Waking up clean is step 1 each day. I started out this morning w a yoga series. It was nice.

Just finished breakfast w some leftover brisket spinich wraps. Amazing.


When I crave I think of the next day after effects:

high blood pressure, sleep issues, strength loss, immune system compromise (sick).

BpSSS. My mantra.

Studied "alcohol kindling" and "alcohol PAWS."

Last intoxication: 8 May 15.
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Old 10-27-2018, 03:09 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Thank you for posting. I relate so much to what you said. My feelings are cranked up so high too. But same as you alcohol numbed everything for so long, itís like my emotions are bursting at the seems to get out. I relate to the dreams too.
Congratulations on 2 months. Thatís so awesome.
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Old 10-27-2018, 06:32 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Congratulations birwin

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Old 10-27-2018, 06:40 PM   #8 (permalink)
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I'm so glad that you are feeling good and doing well.
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.

Marianne Williamson
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Old 10-27-2018, 06:59 PM   #9 (permalink)
Learning to live again
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That was a wonderful post, birwin. We're so proud of your 2 months. Things will continue to get even better.
You are so much more than the worst thing you've ever done. Fr. Greg Boyle

A little voice deep inside me said, "Hello, I am here." It was a small voice, & sounded as if it were buried underneath the cushions of my couch. It was my soul...I had forgotten it.

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Old 10-27-2018, 11:15 PM   #10 (permalink)

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Well done

I read your post and it gives me hope...im on day 18 and struggling with anxiety. I am hoping by 2mths i can walk down the street and smile....that would be the ultimate for me.
i look forward to reading more of your posts.
massive congrats on reaching 2mths.
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Old 10-28-2018, 07:30 AM   #11 (permalink)

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Congrats. I wish to be as you are now two months. I feel the same drinking numbs and i ma crying character sober all emotions everything raw. I can identify.i admire people who caught it early enough. I lost all. I would lose as some things were not in my control and were not binge related but if i was sober i could deal in my favour instead of giving up. Two months will be Christmas time for me . Its my dream . Thank you for sharing and well done x D
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Old 10-28-2018, 07:49 AM   #12 (permalink)

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Congratulations and happy Halloween
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Old 10-28-2018, 02:53 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Perceptive post.

Keep posting stuff....
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happy , new me , relief , two months

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