allishope73

Hello kind people! I noticed i stopped my posts from hello kind people . This shows i am bitter and losing hope. So i am just trying to keep the faith. I was reading folks posts and got scared. People relapsing after a year or years and me being sure it would never happens to me after two weeks. I was sure as i thought i learnt to manage stress. But 17 day came and i was mad of panick. I am so scared of not having place of safety. Sometime i wish i was not so confident as i set up myself for failure. I see clearly this year put a mark on me. I expierience classic post traumatic stress disorder symptoms. I remove alcohol but the symptoms stay. And i know one thing would change it its safety and belonging. I m erasing my husband from my memory but its not possible. 15 years normal life. I m so scared . I can do well during day and night comes and i have those dreams. I never expierienced flashbacks i only started this year and also it started when i stopped dissociate. I see i repressed all in order to survive but its coming back . And yet i never felt suicidal ...i felt awful.pain or fear but never even thought about ending life. Its more like i fall and stand back but toil is taken . Harder to stay positive. I m suprised i still not loose my mind. Year ago i d be upset about trivia adversity now i m dealing with biggest life stressors a human can expierience after death or death of close one or cancer. Just thinking we are all on this planet and we all struggle ...why its so hard. I feel ashamed that maybe i m too weak or my nervous system. How pathetic it is to feel so lonely to point that i go to gallery to be around people. In foreign country . Country i adoped as my home ...we came to be happy worked hard both and happy ever after.... we were till we moved into this house. I sensed smthg not right but i loved the view and i do love this house but it has a bad history . Nobody was happy here . But i m not superstitious . I burn oils here . I Made it beautiful and warm . And now i sit and only a cat that adopted me still coming . I do not feed i have agreement with owners so we cooperate for cat welfare together. But its true this cat is coming.
Why im still posting as i do have hope. Somebody said remove alcohol from life all will sort out. But it only got worse and worse. I m impatient??? I should wait a year not two weeks or a month . Just folks i m trying not to self pity but a healthy cry is ok i recon . As we are also emotional beings. I feel traumatised due to expierience. I never predicted i marry and i divorce ...never . I believed in love even co dependent ...we could work it out but he was on power trip and i was on self destruction when we should work it out together. And i m grateful God sent me the cat even not mine but i feel her love .
​​​​​​I m posting here as i m gonna look at posts after a year. Maybe wiser ...maybe not. Who knows whats behind the corner ...well there is not a bottle now . I m scared of another relapse. Very scared . Thanks for reading . I know its all mixed up as my head and tears. Let God make me strong on the journey to heal and to smile again and not to relapse. X D

allishope73

On wednesday i felt panick so went to yoga class. I keep my gym membership priority as it helps with stress and i alwaysl loved physical activity. I was late no spaces so i stand at the mirror at instructor. And i had to look into this big mirror and i could not believe how beautiful i was . I looked and could not believe after all crying nights and days.... as i stopped looking into mirror when my husband left i put make up automatically but not liking myself lost identity... i was not a wife anymore i was nobody . Ithought its a laugh or joke for 45 . I thanked for compliments but i know beauty comes from within . And it was me who wrote years ago ...i m not Somebody or Nobody ...a Life is to worship you are as worth as a human being and everybody is the same. Maybe i m so naive folks. And Momo is here. Strange she always comes and stayes when i cry . She just sleeps in bed or giving me kisses. I talk to her ..well u talk to trees and stones and squirrels. A black and white cat. 3 years ago i came from home and brought my husband this kitchen set . Black and white cats . When Husband left Momo came and i noticed Momo you already been in this house you black and white cat. She is so beautiful as ugly sometime . I do love her but i know i need to sell house so i make sure she is back home to her mummy and daddy. A spoilt cat came to give me comfort and love . I m grateful . My husband hated cats and we had a dog . But i removed her as the pain would kill me . I had to . Just kept pictures of us and happy times . She is now 10 . I saw her when she was 3 weeks black labrador collie . She could understand human language but only english as spoke to her from day one . And she slept between us kicking at night i was the softie hubby was a sherrif . D ...I think i stop here . For me to do best i can . I m still having many stories to tell ...those i tried to forget but its not possible. One story is over the beer one the self medicating one . It is an ugly story and i m not proud. I m scared not to relapse again. How many times plan needs to be implemented . Thanks for reading its a bit of my life. I am opening up . And i pray all people here lonely find the comfort not the bottle . We do deserve love . Love is no reason for love needed . X D

Opivotal

I'm so sorry you're having such a difficult time, allishope.

You're not alone here. We're all one big family.

mariposa

allishope73

thank you its lovely and so true x love back

allishope73

thanks jcmart . Yes indeed. I m not in denial from day one i was not . Been learning. Trying . Improving plans . But i started opening up. Its therapeutic. I started being in touch with feelings i tried to forget. I feel safe here. Really strange but i do. And i m not ashamed to share anymore even i write silly naive things but from heart and in honesty. We all struggling here. People who are long way on recovery path struggle less but they used to be where i m now. Emotions bad good sensitivity . I cannot go to AA as every day i have this stuff meetings lawyer housings ...not even opened the letter that came yesterday. Open tomorrow and another week into battlefield. Definitely you are right. I like AA. I have different explanation i feel higher power as part of us we all posses if we connect. I m planning in future when house and stuff secure be back One thing that also helps me is helping others. I do not know but people say i have aura. When i m strong i m really strong . And people find comfort while i m so striving for human touch . The magic word balance . I do not remember when i sign to web . Dee will know probably or Anna not even a year i recon . But i sticked. In good times and in bad times. Its like riding horses . I had to fell many times before got to know how to stop gallopping wild Arab. And God helped i fell badly and never broke a bone but learnt how to ride. . I fell i laughed and back on the horse . Humour so good coping . Today i was not very cheery but if its so bad i just laugh as what else do ...cannot be worse ... as lawyer said he cannot do anything else to you he took everything he could ...and i cannot resent as i remember good times and bad times and bad was only 1 year good 14 so i keep it. But i need to express to digest and move on . All kind people i pray we would not face relapse but if we face i pray we stand up ... its like learning to ride a horse once control is executed its easy x D

Dee74

Hi D my life didn't get better when I quit - but I did.

I found that I was more capable than I ever knew - even dealing with things like possibly losing my home etc.

I'm not a superman - I get scared and I worry too -0 but I never turn to drink or drugs anymore - and I get through things anyway.

Everything will be ok in the end - if it's not ok yet, it's not the end

D

allishope73

I know that Dee . How i do i have no idea 😂 this time i m not going to count days i m going to live! not to survive. So strange i do not know you but i feel connection in AA they would say its identifying. I do not know i just feel close like a family and i listen. I learn . I listen . I put into practice and only pray it was last weakness moment. Really its scary . Logically i am focused . I treat life as priority. Ok there is stuff thereand there is pain...but people divorce and do not drink . So am more angry at myself. I m glad i started writing about it as its therapeuthic . My instinct is telling me to tell ..to shout.. to cry it loud and my logic is telling me you should be strong its weakness nothing happened you are a warrior ... No i m tired of war and battlefield . I just hope i count it as blessing . Reapeating myself but maybe alcoholism and struggle saved me . I will check my posts in a year and reflect . Good night its late but it was a good day . I got cute bears hugs and more awerness. X D