allishope73

Ego ....i wondered many times i thought i killed ego i was giving actually i love to give i grow seeing people smiling ....i do not know who i am anymore i only remember who i was at 3 years old i was Edy i had this sense of me knowing there was something bigger ....as long i d not connect to roots to myself i m done ...either we end this war or the war ends me ..
and there is no me ..i me myself its rubbish there is love i cannot explain it.just something bigger than us

Dee74

I hope you're doing ok allishope

D

least

Are you alright? You sound depressed. What do you mean, "I will be dying but I do not give up."

allishope73

Hi i m depressed but not drinking . Depressed through life adversity thats hard to accept . And one day added to suffering . Ok this time it was scary. I can clearly see i am going through aomething terrible in life and one day of weakness made this hundreds times worse. I just could not bear anxiety after 17 days living i could not . I am asking for theraphy i cannot councel myself by myself . I removed alcohol . Nothing in the house. Again will face withdrawals ...m

allishope73

I meant i go one more time through witdrawals i was sure i ll never face it again . I can tell you just now i d love to numb this pain but i made up decision. The rest of my sanity is telling me do anything but do not drink as u die . So again day 1 i m starting .

Dee74

I think looking for professional counselling is a good idea to help deal with depression and other underlying issues

D

allishope73

Hi Dee . I did not know this house to let go.. would be smthg unbearable. Its safety . Its over a year in the prison and i thought i made it. I really did. My barrier is that if i m good i appear well presented with smile. I do not know . I was crying at lawyer also in the housing but as i was sober i did apologised and said i needed to be strong to fight. And every day was victory. I trained . I ate. I woke up with hope. I asked mr lawyer please give me the call to let me know how much time i have.no single call. I made app on Monday. No single theraphy will heal it i just need to carry on .Actually this web is my only resource. I go to doc i have app beginning of November. I write down as if i go well nobody believes whats behind the close door. Its my barrier. Asking for helpor or rather i minimise my suffering thinking so much misery in this world ...do not add more. A perfect child .i was always a perfect child doing all for others. I cannot even go there now as trauma would kill me now. I need to stay clean and after adress. Dee and others please stay with me. I need to text my friend neighbour to let her know. One think in life i am not lying . If i let myself down i let others. If God help me to survive maybe one day i read back the posts as it was a process. Very painful process and still is . I have no energy even wash myself ... so i crawl today and start from scratch washing and eating . What else to do . Dee i reapeated your mantra and i still do it helped . As you read this its critical and now forget house forget all i m fighting for life ... nothing else x D