Jewel72

Help. I am going to post here with the hopes of getting to Day 1 again and never having to face another one. I can't seem to stop the madness of my wine drinking. I had 50 plus days earlier in the year, then 30 plus days. I've slipped back and it has gotten A LOT more difficult to get sober for more than a few days.

I have become something I never imagined "I" would be. I'm a middle-age stay at home mom, who is completely disgusted with myself. I sneak around with my little wine bottles, drink at times of the day I never thought I would, and I am an unhealthy mess. This past month, I have drank 26 out of 30 days. Every morning I wake up and commit to day one of sobriety and then, by afternoon, I'm buying 2 four packs of the little wine bottles. I lie. I sneak. I am an addict.

I used to run. I don't have the energy to do that right now. I've gained 10 lbs. in 30 days. I'm bloated, red faced, sick in the stomach, and just can't stand myself. Oh my. I hate alcohol, but I keep going back to it for relief from how despicable I feel.

I have drank today. There is no more wine in the house. Tomorrow, I'm going to live on this site and post every hour if I need to. I just need to get through day one and start feeling like the old me again.

Thanks for being there. I'm going to need your support over the next several days.

least

Do you have a solid plan for recovery? For me, at first, it was weekly counseling and daily visits to SR. I no longer see the counselor but still come here every day to encourage others and share my experience.

LoveHateWhine

Hey there Q - I'm here with you. I had a slip too and have seen it coming for a few weeks, but did nothing to stop it. But, I learned from it and am starting over. This isn't easy - just keep coming back. The weekender thread is a good one and I am really looking forward to being on it this weekend. Hope to see you on there, too.

Eddiebuckle

Hi Quit,

It takes each of us a certain amount of self-disgust to reach the point of making the commitment it takes to stay sober. My first sponsor liked to say "Don't ever forget your last drink, or chances are you haven't had it yet."

For all the pain you have been through, it need not be without value - remember this for as long as you live, and you can use it to avoid having to experience it ever again.

Make your plan and work it every day like your life depends on it. There is virtually no growth in your comfort zone, and virtually no comfort in your growth zone. Stick with this until sobriety becomes your new normal, and you will begin to live a life you probably don't even realize exists.

Good luck & keep posting!

D122y

Quit,

I used to drink those little wine bottles too. It was a total joke. Drunk at all my kids baseball stiff. So sad.

It took me basically going diabetic to quit. Feet swelling, belly out like i ate a goat.

It was a total living hell to quit, but i made it this far.

I have problems still, but drinking is not one of them.

I have such a problem w authority. My boss gave me annual feedback today. I have been obsessing over it off and on all day. So sad.

Drinking has damaged my brain and it takes years to normalize. The whole time we have to deal w the crave.

My boss is the real deal. I need to respect him and get on w my life. Drinking put me in an emotional holding pattern for 30 years.

Onward now.

I know it is very hard to quit. It is impossible for some. Maybe even me. I won't know for sure i was able to quit for good until i am breathing my last breath. If possible, that might be one of my last few words i utter. I made it sober.

Thanks.

Jewel72

Thank you. My plan is to post on this thread when temptation comes knocking. I'm going to come here instead of going to the liquor store. My plan is to stay with my kids and not go "out for a drive" or "a coffee." by myself.

Eddie, Your quote is spot on. There is no growth in my life right now. I have to work through the initial discomfort of not drinking to grow and become what I am meant to be.

Alright. I'm off to bed, but I will be back here tomorrow; every hour if I need to be. I will not let this beast win.

Dee74

Hi Quit

when you can no longer trust yourself it's time to trust others.

Have you considered something like AA or some other meeting based group at all?

D

Fearlessat50

Hi Quit,

I’m a middle age mom who drank in secret too except I also sometimes went to work like that and somehow functioned and kept it hidden. Crazy! I had the same feelings of self disgust and couldn’t seem to get off the merry go round. The problem got worse and worse. What it took for me to finally stop is to completely change my thoughts and life style. I went to weekly therapy for a year, I checked in here. I worked with a naturopath and started supplements, did lots of exercise, running, meditation and yoga. It was hard in the beginning but I’m so much better now. Flat stomach, healthy skin, sleep well, feel good about myself again. For me, a long term plan and every day practice is needed for the rest of my life. It’s too easy to get complacent over time and forget the bad memories caused by drinking if we are not daily focused on sobriety. You are supported here.

Stayingsassy

I'm a middle aged mom too! I have thirteen months of sobriety.

Eddiebuckle says "it takes a certain amount of self disgust to make the commitment to stay sober.". Or he said something similar, but I am middle aged and cannot quote here to save my life!

I would not have quit if the loss of control I had when I drank was not so completely humiliating. The embarrassment got me sober. No drinking = no more public humiliation, it's a deal. I would have kept going with the periodic withdrawal and the fear for my health and the lost moments and the blackouts probably until my death. But I don't like humiliation. So I quit. wouldn't you know I haven't embarrassed myself for 13 months. My brain is present, and my higher thinking is in order, so there's no need to go so low.

I am incredibly lucky. I hit a benign bottom I couldn't repeat. What is yours? If you haven't crossed it yet but you can't control your drinking, you will in time. I hope for you a very high bottom. (And I don't mean our actual ones, because after all, we are middle aged...)

Ayers

Quit,
First of all , come back to our August group. We miss you and your seat is empty.

I’m also a middle aged ( over middle aged) working from home mom.

I would like to quote what Eddie said, because that hits the nail right on the head.
“ "Don't ever forget your last drink, or chances are you haven't had it yet."
Don’t wait until that day where there is no way to regain your self-respect.

I don’t know how old your children are, but for me , when they got old enough to know what’s going on with mommy ( and believe me , they are very very aware) was when my conscience became extremely loud.

I don’t ever want to see “that” look in their eyes again. I don’t ever want to tell them to stop being disrespectful to me , while that is what I deserved.

If you can’t do this for yourself, then do it for your children. They deserve a sober mommy.

When I went through difficult times trying to stay sober, I binge watched Alcohol Intervention videos on Youtube. Before you drive to the store, post here, and force yourself to watch one of those clips , and then decide …

I am thinking of you today, and I know you can do it !!!!

snitch

Hey darling
I know exactly how you feel. I have been right there where you are. I am 6 months sober now. I am PROOF that you can stop drinking. Why don't you come back to us Apriler's? We miss you there. Also, like Dee said, have you thought about AA? AA has literally saves my life. Sending you big hugs x x x

PhoenixJ

WELCOME!
I need support from here and other places more than for a few days, Q. I am one of the real hard-core, die hards (literally) who had a very terrible rock bottom and lost all. You are younger than me, have an awareness and SR for starters- so three for you (no pity party btw).
Post here hourly if you have to. I would encourage you to join some of the Newcomer's threads as well. I joined the Class of March '16- back then and I learn so much from the people on that thread- and others. Stuff about me others pick up on, thru my words.

Prayers and support to you.

SnazzyDresser

Part of getting sober for me was changing my ideas about who exactly I was, loosening my old attachments to things that weren't working for me. Maybe that feeling of distrust you have disguising itself as self-doubt is really something else.

August252015

Glad you are here. You can choose to quit for good and there is lots of help here and IRL to do it.

Jewel72

Thank you all. I’m going to do a lot of self talk today shooting down the AV. This has to be day one for the rest of my life. I can’t stand this insanity and unhealthy living anymore.

I appreciate your support. I’m reading each response.

Ayers, I will be back to class...just need a few days.
Snitch, I do read the April class thread still; check in every now and then. I stop by soon. You are doing great! Congrats on your six months.

August252015

Self talk was a big part of what kept me drinking- I needed help from others (professionals and the people of AA) to change the tapes in my head. Going it alone just wasn't a good idea for me.

That instinct that I couldn't trust myself was spot on when it came to pretty much everything.

DarklingSong

Glad to see you Quit. Keep going....you have lots of support here. See you in the August class when you are ready.

PalmerSage

I was a middle-aged mom secret drinker, too. It was pure hell. I used to drink out of those little wine boxes, mixed vodka into soda bottles, you name it: If it was sneaky, I probably did it, and if there was a life experience, I wanted to drink through it to cope. I'm actually shocked people didn't seem to notice, although I tried to isolate as much as possible during my worst times.

I'm 10 months sober now. I've lost about 30 pounds, I've incorporated exercise into my lifestyle instead of just trying to churn out punishing cardio to burn off all the junk food I was eating. I look younger, feel so much happier, and even though I don't remember my last drunk, I feel strong in my sobriety and never want to go back. Feel free to PM me anytime if you need to talk.

Dee74

self talk is good but I think you probably need a little more action than that right now Quit - whether its posting here regularly again or a recovery programme?

D

Jewel72

Thank you all! I couldn't wait to get back here to post. I decided to go to the zoo today...do something completely different from my normal routine. It worked. I was with my children, we had a beautiful day together. The only real thoughts I had about drinking were "freedom" thoughts such as; I never have to feel like this again. I know it is because I posted here that I made it through this day. I will do anything to stay sober from here on out. I have a counselor. She is helpful, but it is now up to me to do what I need to do. It is now up to me to put this into action; to do the work required to completely change my thoughts about wine.

My body is so unhealthy. I'm actually concerned for my poor liver. I can't wait to wake up tomorrow without a hangover. Going to take milk thistle and drink tons of water. Hoping to get back to running soon. May even try a short jog tomorrow.

Thank you for being there. I feel like I have jumped the initial hurdle. I feel hopeful for the first time in days. I will update and post here when the cravings hit.