Feeling sorry for myself
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Join Date: Mar 2018
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Feeling sorry for myself
After a week of misery detoxing frim my last binge, husband not speaking to me, and me not knowing if my marriage is over and im losing my kids....i felt some relief after talking to my husband. He told me he was to the point where he thought about leaving me and it didn't really hurt him. I cried and begged him to give us a chance...for the millionth time. I told him I came to the realization that I just cant have alcohol...just like lactose people can't have dairy. I was in denial in that I didn't want to be different and wanted to be like everyone else who could control their drinking. I accept it now. I can't! And if i had to choose between the bottle and my family well I choose my family! I told him I wanted help and will seek it. I cried and got up to go to bed. He followed and said OK...he will help me and will give us a chance. I felt such a relief and had a new attitude about my sobriety. I'm looking at what I do have what I can do and am moving forward without alcohol.
Today, my husband adds me to a group texts where he invited some friends and his sister over for the Dodgers vs Red Sox World series game on Friday. I was ok with it at first, then they started talking about what alcohol to bring and food. I texted back I would be eating carrots and drinking water. My sister in law responded with lol. I was still ok. Also our neighbors had invited us to their birthday party this Saturday which I was already mentally getting prepared for. Was already practicing saying I wasn't drinking and had a reason why if at all asked. Now at this moment im feeling overwhelmed and sorry for myself and angry at the same time. I thought about confronting my husband in a nice way of course about not asking me first if this Fridays game at our house was ok....but I also feel like i don't have a leg to stand on right now. Ive put him through enough....whatever makes him happy right now I will do. I can't be calling shots when ive been so selfish in my addiction. I'm lucky he's even talking to me. I should just suck it up and deal with it! Now im having so many mixed feelings....but I'm trying to tell myself they are just that...feelings and they will pass.
Just venting here....looking to see also if I'm being selfish in cancelling plans because I feel sorry for myself or am not in the festive mood? Drinking is not going to happen for me at these events...im not afraid of that...its more how I feel being newly sober........and my hubby not really knowing how I feel...or im sure he knows...but i feel selfish even bringing it up.
Today, my husband adds me to a group texts where he invited some friends and his sister over for the Dodgers vs Red Sox World series game on Friday. I was ok with it at first, then they started talking about what alcohol to bring and food. I texted back I would be eating carrots and drinking water. My sister in law responded with lol. I was still ok. Also our neighbors had invited us to their birthday party this Saturday which I was already mentally getting prepared for. Was already practicing saying I wasn't drinking and had a reason why if at all asked. Now at this moment im feeling overwhelmed and sorry for myself and angry at the same time. I thought about confronting my husband in a nice way of course about not asking me first if this Fridays game at our house was ok....but I also feel like i don't have a leg to stand on right now. Ive put him through enough....whatever makes him happy right now I will do. I can't be calling shots when ive been so selfish in my addiction. I'm lucky he's even talking to me. I should just suck it up and deal with it! Now im having so many mixed feelings....but I'm trying to tell myself they are just that...feelings and they will pass.
Just venting here....looking to see also if I'm being selfish in cancelling plans because I feel sorry for myself or am not in the festive mood? Drinking is not going to happen for me at these events...im not afraid of that...its more how I feel being newly sober........and my hubby not really knowing how I feel...or im sure he knows...but i feel selfish even bringing it up.
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Join Date: Dec 2014
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hi!
If your husband is a normal drinker he won't understand what you are going through. You could talk to him and explain how you feel but he just won't get it unless he has been there. Sobriety is really hard in the beginning and big events are particularly hard and can be awkward. I would check in here before and after the events. I would make sure to have something nice to drink sparkling water and juice or something and I would make my favorite snacks and foods and enjoy myself that way.
If your husband is a normal drinker he won't understand what you are going through. You could talk to him and explain how you feel but he just won't get it unless he has been there. Sobriety is really hard in the beginning and big events are particularly hard and can be awkward. I would check in here before and after the events. I would make sure to have something nice to drink sparkling water and juice or something and I would make my favorite snacks and foods and enjoy myself that way.
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Join Date: Mar 2018
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I couldnt help myself and talked to my husband about him inviting people over this Friday without consulting me first. He just kinda shrugged his shoulders and said he didnt mean to and said he could cancel. Then He asked if I was in a bad mood. I just said it was fine. My question is...how can I demand respect right now when I've been disrespecting him with my lies..all that comes with this addiction.
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that is a hard situation. I don't think you can ever "demand respect" You can give respect and then it is more likely you will get it back. I think all you can do is give it and hopefully in time he will see you are really trying and he will start respecting you for that. It is tough. I quit drinking 28 months ago and just now my husband is quitting drinking. It has taken that long for him to recognize I am not going back to that lifestyle. hope this helps! It will take time.
It will take time. Member
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Originally Posted by Midwest1981 
hi!
If your husband is a normal drinker he won't understand what you are going through. You could talk to him and explain how you feel but he just won't get it unless he has been there. Sobriety is really hard in the beginning and big events are particularly hard and can be awkward. I would check in here before and after the events. I would make sure to have something nice to drink sparkling water and juice or something and I would make my favorite snacks and foods and enjoy myself that way.
If your husband is a normal drinker he won't understand what you are going through. You could talk to him and explain how you feel but he just won't get it unless he has been there. Sobriety is really hard in the beginning and big events are particularly hard and can be awkward. I would check in here before and after the events. I would make sure to have something nice to drink sparkling water and juice or something and I would make my favorite snacks and foods and enjoy myself that way.
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Originally Posted by Midwest1981
that is a hard situation. I don't think you can ever "demand respect" You can give respect and then it is more likely you will get it back. I think all you can do is give it and hopefully in time he will see you are really trying and he will start respecting you for that. It is tough. I quit drinking 28 months ago and just now my husband is quitting drinking. It has taken that long for him to recognize I am not going back to that lifestyle. hope this helps! It will take time.
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Originally Posted by Newme2018
Very true! I just got to be patient and trust the process! If I get better...things will fall into place! Thank you for the reminders! And congrats on your time in sobriety!
Yes it is amazing how everything does fall into place. It does get a lot easier. You will go through periods of up's and down's but as long as you don't drink the low spots don't last too long.
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Newme, I agree with Midwest - the normies can't possibly understand what we go through. In the early days, when your sobriety is so fragile, his inviting people over wasn't very helpful. I wasn't fit to be around in the beginning. I was sorry for myself, as you mentioned - and needed time to begin the healing process. It's good that you wanted to talk about it here - this is a great place to turn to for encouragement and strength.
It definitely does get better and easier. You'll go through many phases as you get free & leave alcohol behind. Be kind and patient with yourself - you've been through a lot. With each hurdle you get over, you'll grow stronger & more confident.
It definitely does get better and easier. You'll go through many phases as you get free & leave alcohol behind. Be kind and patient with yourself - you've been through a lot. With each hurdle you get over, you'll grow stronger & more confident.
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I agree you cannot demand respect. The best thing to do is to focus on your recovery, show your husband that you are changing and hope that he will respect the person you are becoming.
And, your husband will probably never understand what you are going through. He just won't get it. That's why you can come here and express your feelings and know that we do understand.
When I knew that I didn't have to give a reason why I was not drinking, I felt better about things. Remember that you do not owe anyone an explanation as to whether you are drinking alcohol or not.
And, your husband will probably never understand what you are going through. He just won't get it. That's why you can come here and express your feelings and know that we do understand.
When I knew that I didn't have to give a reason why I was not drinking, I felt better about things. Remember that you do not owe anyone an explanation as to whether you are drinking alcohol or not.
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I can completely empathize with the feelings you're describing. I've been sober 10 months and it has gotten SO much better, but at the beginning I felt fragile and wanted to hibernate, while my husband's attitude was like, "cool! You just can't drink, but we can socialize as normal, problem solved." The one major change that I had to make in recovery was to say no, and be OK if people, including my husband, didn't necessarily like it. I hear what you're saying about not being in a position to make demands, but at the same time, if you can't set boundaries then you may not be able to stay sober anyway...you know?
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there are things that might help you. things like: get yourself some nice new sodas or juices or teas to try. water is fine, of course, but something special can be something to look forward to.
invite someone who does not drink so you have sober company....so much more fun to share eye-rolling at the stupidities drinking folk will mutter or shout
have an escape if you start to feel iffy.....plan to go outside for a breath of air, or to the laundry room to check on the wash, or you need to make a call you forgot about, and you can always read here and post.
no need for confrontation, though i totally get why you'd want to.
invite someone who does not drink so you have sober company....so much more fun to share eye-rolling at the stupidities drinking folk will mutter or shout
have an escape if you start to feel iffy.....plan to go outside for a breath of air, or to the laundry room to check on the wash, or you need to make a call you forgot about, and you can always read here and post.
no need for confrontation, though i totally get why you'd want to.
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Originally Posted by PalmerSage
I can completely empathize with the feelings you're describing. I've been sober 10 months and it has gotten SO much better, but at the beginning I felt fragile and wanted to hibernate, while my husband's attitude was like, "cool! You just can't drink, but we can socialize as normal, problem solved." The one major change that I had to make in recovery was to say no, and be OK if people, including my husband, didn't necessarily like it. I hear what you're saying about not being in a position to make demands, but at the same time, if you can't set boundaries then you may not be able to stay sober anyway...you know?
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Originally Posted by fini
oh.
he shrugged and offered to cancel it
why not just take him up on that and thank him for that?
he shrugged and offered to cancel it
why not just take him up on that and thank him for that?
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THANK YOU EVERYONE! I read each post and you all helped in some way! I'm trying to post here more than ever before so I don't pick up...you guys are all so helpful in my sobriety journey! Can't say enough thank yous!
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I think it's good to remember that the healthy response to putting him through stuff is not putting yourself through stuff
You talked and he offered to cancel. I would have taken him up on that - but I understand that you feel guilty.
seeing as you didn't cancel, you need a plan to stay sober - write one out - Can you do your own thing elsewhere in the house Friday night?
D
You talked and he offered to cancel. I would have taken him up on that - but I understand that you feel guilty.
seeing as you didn't cancel, you need a plan to stay sober - write one out - Can you do your own thing elsewhere in the house Friday night?
D
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Explaining the situation and what you need to make it through it is more like explaining the situation and not demanding respect.
It took me a very long time to be able to be in a room with people drinking. In early sobriety it made my mind turn circles and it would be all I could think about.
I was only able to actually stay away from drinking when I removed myself from drinking engagements.
It took me a very long time to be able to be in a room with people drinking. In early sobriety it made my mind turn circles and it would be all I could think about.
I was only able to actually stay away from drinking when I removed myself from drinking engagements.
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How’s it going, newme?
It’s difficult in the beginning. These are challenging situations. It sounds like you and your husband have been through a lot. I went through some of this. My husband is a normie and even after all this time (sober near two years) I don’t think he’ll ever completely understand. He has gotten better though and is supportive. He has seen me change for the better, and that has helped. We did have a few therapy sessions early on and that helped too. I had individual therapy as well.
I also had to think about what I wanted to tell others about quitting drinking. I even practiced role playing with my therapist. I know it seems silly! My drinking problem was private for the most part and my recovery has been too. I told different people different things. Some I told I was doing the 90 day challenge. After the 90days, I told the same people that not drinking during that time made me feel so much better that I just decided to not go back to any amount of drinking. But everyone is different. Most people in my life know now I no longer drink. But with new people, lately I just say something like alcohol doesn’t agree with me any more, if they ask. Some people prefer to be completely honest about their drinking problem. I don’t think it matters as long as you are staying sober.
It’s difficult in the beginning. These are challenging situations. It sounds like you and your husband have been through a lot. I went through some of this. My husband is a normie and even after all this time (sober near two years) I don’t think he’ll ever completely understand. He has gotten better though and is supportive. He has seen me change for the better, and that has helped. We did have a few therapy sessions early on and that helped too. I had individual therapy as well.
I also had to think about what I wanted to tell others about quitting drinking. I even practiced role playing with my therapist. I know it seems silly! My drinking problem was private for the most part and my recovery has been too. I told different people different things. Some I told I was doing the 90 day challenge. After the 90days, I told the same people that not drinking during that time made me feel so much better that I just decided to not go back to any amount of drinking. But everyone is different. Most people in my life know now I no longer drink. But with new people, lately I just say something like alcohol doesn’t agree with me any more, if they ask. Some people prefer to be completely honest about their drinking problem. I don’t think it matters as long as you are staying sober.
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