Should I apologize? - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Go Back   SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information >
Register Blogs FAQ Members List Calendar Arcade Mark Forums Read





Reply
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 10-22-2018, 12:23 PM   #1 (permalink)
Member
 
TheDayIsToday's Avatar
 

Join Date: Oct 2018
Location: Carrboro, NC
Posts: 10
Question

Should I apologize?


Should I apologize to the people that have been negatively affected by my drinking? I'm newly, very newly, sober. Should I wait until I've been sober for a while before apologizing?

I'm embarrassed of the way I have behaved.

Also, should I apologize to my neighbor for some loud nights? Should I tell them that I'm an alcoholic?
My neighbors have never complained, but I know I must have disturbed them at some point. It's embarrassing and makes me want to move but I really love my home.
TheDayIsToday is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to TheDayIsToday For This Useful Post:
AAPJ (10-22-2018), Anna (10-22-2018), Fearlessat50 (10-22-2018), least (10-22-2018), MythOfSisyphus (10-24-2018), totfit (10-22-2018)
Old 10-22-2018, 12:31 PM   #2 (permalink)
Administrator
 
Anna's Avatar
 

Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 52,406
I think that apologizing to people who were affected by your drinking would be a good thing to do. If it was me, I would wait awhile and I would also hope they would see by my actions, that I was in recovery. Another reason for waiting awhile is that you might get a negative comment, and if you had more sober time, you would be better equipped to deal with a negative remark.
__________________
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.

Marianne Williamson
Anna is online now   Reply With Quote
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to Anna For This Useful Post:
AAPJ (10-22-2018), bexxed (10-23-2018), Fearlessat50 (10-22-2018), least (10-22-2018)
Old 10-22-2018, 12:31 PM   #3 (permalink)
Member
 
biminiblue's Avatar
 

Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 18,524
I think there will be plenty of time later for all that.

Sober time makes things much easier, I don't think you need to do anything at all about this right now unless they bring it up. People know that others make poor decisions when under the influence. Do you think you could do it no matter what their reactions might be?

Be kind to yourself right now. In AA, where "amends" are used - apologies aren't done in the first month necessarily, and it's done with the help and guidance of someone who has been sober and who has gone through their own amends.

Early sobriety was a very emotionally vulnerable time for me and I didn't offer up any verbal amends until I was back to feeling strong and supported.

Have you gone to meetings or talked to a spiritual counselor about this?
__________________
The cure for anything is salt water: sweat, tears, or the sea.
~ Isak Dinesen
biminiblue is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to biminiblue For This Useful Post:
AAPJ (10-22-2018), aasharon90 (10-24-2018), August252015 (10-23-2018), entropy1964 (10-22-2018), Fearlessat50 (10-22-2018)
Old 10-22-2018, 12:33 PM   #4 (permalink)
bona fido dog-lover
 
least's Avatar
 

Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: eastern USA
Posts: 81,568
Blog Entries: 32
I would suggest waiting for a while. Get some solid sober time first.
__________________
I'd rather live in my car with my dogs than live in a castle without them.

Dogs may not be our whole lives, but they make our lives whole.

Don't wait for the Last Judgement. It takes place every day. -Albert Camus

Find the good and praise it. - Alex Haley

least is online now   Reply With Quote
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to least For This Useful Post:
AAPJ (10-22-2018), aasharon90 (10-24-2018), August252015 (10-23-2018), Fearlessat50 (10-22-2018), NerfThis (10-22-2018), Purpleman (10-22-2018)
Old 10-22-2018, 12:35 PM   #5 (permalink)
Member
 
NerfThis's Avatar
 

Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 486
You are newly sober, therefore you are in a very sensitive, anxious stage where everything seems worse than it is. If you are planning on remaining sober and not continuing to be loud and disruptive and they have never actually complained, I see no reason to say anything. It's never going to happen again, so the problem is gone. If they've not complained, then it's probably not an issue. Even if they had complained, I certainly don't suggest telling them you're an alcoholic. The reason behind noise from neighbours is irrelevant as long as it stops.

As for any one else, it really depends on the extent that you've hurt them? When you're a bit more clear headed you'll know if there are people you need to apologize to.

If you never drink again, none of these things can happen again.
NerfThis is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to NerfThis For This Useful Post:
AAPJ (10-22-2018), entropy1964 (10-22-2018), Fearlessat50 (10-22-2018)
Old 10-22-2018, 09:42 PM   #6 (permalink)
Administrator
 
Dee74's Avatar
 

Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 181,425
Blog Entries: 1
I agree that,if you can, wait a while. You'll be in a better emotional position later, and it will probably mean more to those you owe apologies to.

Amends is step 8 of 12 in AA - and there's a reason for that

D
__________________
Dee74 is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Dee74 For This Useful Post:
AAPJ (10-24-2018), Fearlessat50 (10-22-2018)
Old 10-22-2018, 11:57 PM   #7 (permalink)
Member
 

Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: FRANCE
Posts: 4,361
Blog Entries: 2
Well done for choosing sobriety.
I recommend waiting a while too.
__________________
....
theVman31 is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to theVman31 For This Useful Post:
AAPJ (10-24-2018), Dee74 (10-23-2018)
Old 10-23-2018, 04:13 AM   #8 (permalink)
dcg
D♭7♭9♯9♯11♭13
 

Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 336
Wait. As for neighbors, there is no upside to telling them you're an alcoholic.
dcg is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to dcg For This Useful Post:
AAPJ (10-24-2018)
Old 10-23-2018, 04:35 AM   #9 (permalink)
Member
 
August252015's Avatar
 

Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,423
Great job on choosing sobriety and I agree that waiting is great advice.

Amends is actually step 9 of AA- step 4 is when you make a list of all the people you have harmed. It is critical though, to back up to step one and do the steps in order, if you choose to work the program of AA. It is my path and lifeline, and there are other programs folks here can share about. A plan of action to learn to live sober and well is critical as most of us with any length in recovery will attest.

That anxious and "ready to apologize " feeling was certainly true for me, but as people said with sobriety comes clarity and some ideas I had at the start were better left alone for later (sometimes a lot later, and there are actually two amends left that I am still pondering whether to make- I am two years 8 mo sober).

Not drinking is the most important thing when you start, and truthfully, always. Best to you and hope to see you with us.
__________________
August

Quote:
"Sometimes, I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast." - Alice in Wonderland
August252015 is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 10-23-2018, 07:46 PM   #10 (permalink)
Member
 
TheDayIsToday's Avatar
 

Join Date: Oct 2018
Location: Carrboro, NC
Posts: 10
Thank you everyone, this is all very helpful. I think that you all are dead on. Waiting is best. Especially since it's so early. I don't want to relapse and then have my apologies be meaningless.


And as for the neighbors, they're very awesome people. I doubt that they've been affected as much as i'm imagining. I think most of the noise when I drink is in my head. However, I often black out and don't remember much if anything. Thankfully my partner will fill me in. The problem is that I don't even ask anymore, or try not to, and he won't tell me what happened unless I do. He knows I will be embarrassed and it will hurt me.

I never expected soberrecovery to be so helpful. I'm interested in learning about programs too. I've started AA online but not yet in person. I'm not sure if it is the right program for me, but I don't know of any others. I think i'm going to post about it in newcomers.

Thanks again =] =] <3
TheDayIsToday is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to TheDayIsToday For This Useful Post:
AAPJ (10-24-2018)
Old 10-23-2018, 11:18 PM   #11 (permalink)
Member
 

Join Date: Oct 2018
Location: Farmington New Mexico
Posts: 8
I would recommend waiting as well. Get some time under your belt and get comfortable with the new you. Sometimes apologies donít go honey smooth. Depending on how someone feels about how they were wronged their reaction may not be kind. Thatís why amends are later on in the twelve steps. That way if an apology goes south you ha e the tools to be able to resist any triggers. I had an apology that went very badly and had I done it early on I probably would have relapsed. Take your time with your sobriety. The apologies will come as you progress. If no one has told you this today know that I love you and I have faith in you!
Wolfchow is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Wolfchow For This Useful Post:
AAPJ (10-24-2018)
Old 10-24-2018, 02:30 AM   #12 (permalink)
Member
 

Join Date: Jul 2018
Location: UK
Posts: 431
Quote:
Originally Posted by TheDayIsToday View Post
Should I apologize to the people that have been negatively affected by my drinking? I'm newly, very newly, sober. Should I wait until I've been sober for a while before apologizing?

I'm embarrassed of the way I have behaved.

Also, should I apologize to my neighbor for some loud nights? Should I tell them that I'm an alcoholic?
My neighbors have never complained, but I know I must have disturbed them at some point. It's embarrassing and makes me want to move but I really love my home.
The most important thing is to forgive yourself.

It is none of your neighbour's business about your drinking. Leave a small gift with card on their doorstep?
Gerard52 is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Gerard52 For This Useful Post:
AAPJ (10-24-2018)
Old 10-24-2018, 04:33 AM   #13 (permalink)
Member
 
aasharon90's Avatar
 

Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 11,677
The longer you work on building a strong solid
recovery foundation to live your life upon incorporating
a continuous program of recovery in your everyday
affairs, then you will intuitively know when it is time
to make your amends.

Learning to keep our sides of the street clean,
as it was explained to me through out my sobriety,
will be your actions that speak louder than
words sometimes.

Make your list of those you may have harmed
and reasons on paper which will prepare you
when the time comes to make your amends, but,
in a way as to not hurt or harm another.

One step at a time in achieving health, happiness
and honesty.
__________________
"A FRIEND IN NEED IS A FRIEND INDEED"




SHARON B.
Baton Rouge, La.
8-11-90

I turn my will and life over to the care of a Power greater than I on a daily basis for guidance, care and protection.
aasharon90 is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools


Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 06:21 PM.