Buckley3

Three days I will have 8 months.

I find that... things... are... starting to change a bit.

It's hard to describe, but I'll try a little.

I've been having memories. At first they were the same old reflections - a handful of memories that recur from childhood. Things I've come to learn mark important events or tell a bit of a story about some trauma. I'd always thought it was just the normal way memories worked - that there wasn't really anything significant about any of it. Just random firing of neural connections.

Turns out they weren't really that random. I've opened up considerably to my therapist of late. I'm learning there's a lot about my past that isn't random. And a lot about my past that I'd normalized as being 'functional' was anything but 'normal' or 'functional.'

Of late the memories have grown in scope. They come from other episodes or periods of my life. And now - just in the last few days - they've been arriving with emotion. Nothing overwhelming, but strong. I feel as though there's an ocean of feelings underneath my some skin inside that is welling up and preparing to pour out.

I really can't describe the experience. But I'm convinced it's change. And its' causing me to shift my perspective on things a bit. Less thoughts about things like my career and what not going forward. More thoughts on continuing to develop and understanding of what this life of mine has been so far... and what that means for going forward.

I'm always a bit cautious and skeptical with these things. I know I can spin a narrative and I'm trying to be careful that my mind isn't just seeing memories a certain way so it can tell some sort of story that isn't helpful or isn't just trying to get sympathy or something.

But, more and more I'm seeing just how pervasive and all in-compassing the failed coping strategies of my alcohol and drug abuse in the past have been. The overwhelmingly dominant influence of almost every aspect of my life. And I'm just now really starting to see and feel what some of the reasons were that I ran so hard away from myself.

There's a song I like. It's lyrics include this gem: "change is coming through my shadow." The shadow is a reference to the Jungian concept of that place in our subconscious where repressed and suppressed memories sit and exert influence on our consciousness.

I'm encouraged that I'm starting to poke around in there a bit. And I'm optimistic that - as long as I stay sober - the back half of my life will be one that is a bit less dissonant and a bit more cohesive in terms of aligning who I am and what I do in this world with a more normative set of values rather than spend it blundering and blustering around in reaction to underlying trauma and my inability to face it.

Thanks SR. The growth has been real. Worth every bit of every bit.

-B

Dee74

Congrats on nearly 8 months Buckley
sounds like therapy is being useful to you

D

Hawkeye13

Beautifully articulated Buckley

I also found the well of pain below the bottles I covered it with.

I've been slowly feeling it, acknowledging it, healing it to Peace.

Such cohesion as I have I've knitted from these welling memories.

Suffering faced becomes translucent; a medium of light.

August252015

Buckley- your words really resonate. Congratulations on your eight months and such introspective work. I started seeing life long patterns too - I called it "seeing the cracks"....a lot of my anxiety orientation goes almost as far back as I can recall.

I agree that this stuff is healing, and recognizing my still present inclination to turn at least a little to my "old" coping mechanisms (except not the drinking!) is something that I keep working on adjusting.

Keep going- it keeps getting better, clearer and more and more worth it!

You're doing great.

lessgravity

As usual, you have a post that strikes me very deeply and that I can relate to. I was shocked but then perhaps I should not have been when towards the end of your post you mentioned the Shadow and the Jungian sense of what that means. I was surprised because as I read the post I was going to recommend to you the Jungian analyst and his writings, James Hollis. There are so many books of his but I would recommend Finding Meaning in the Second Half of Lige. Some of the titles of his books may sound somewhat hokey, self-helpybut they are written with deep knowledge and insight into the type of personal inventory and exploration that it's clear you are doing at the moment. Congrats as always on all you've achieved in 8 months. It's awesome stuff man and I continue to be proud to be walking this path with you.

apollo986

Great post! It sounds like your making some meaningful progress. Congrats on 8 months.

PhoenixJ

Proactive change- by exploring thoughts, feelings and mem's. Growth with evolving awareness. Processing old emotions linked with significant events- from a safe 'now' perspective.

Yep- I do that.
Well done.