Horrible relapse - Not a really different post
 

After a few months sober, yesterday I fell again.

Guys, I lost EVERYTHING. My phone, my glasses, my wallet. Ended up passing out in a train station.

I feel so lonely and I'm crying and not just your regular hangover anxiety, but I'm so crushed and hopeless. I just really can't do this again.

My family is so far away and I'm completely lonely. This is the most horrible thing (alcoholism or any addiction) that someone could have.

I tried to reach out to my sister, she has a great heart. However, she does not understand. She just thinks I'm an irresponsible person.

I was literally with homeless people yesterday.

I really can't put into words what I feel right now.

This can be the last time this happens, though.

You really CAN stop drinking.

Take it a day at a time and you'll get there.

A meeting would be a great place for you if you're lonely and wanting to quit drinking.

I feel so embarrassed to go back to AA, to be honest.

Your shame and secrets....we've all been there.

So has every single person at any AA meeting ever.

I had to believe in my heart of hearts that I could do it.

The 12 Steps are designed specifically to address this feeling you have that other people are judging you.

Have you gotten a sponsor and done the Steps, or at least started them? That may be where you find your relief.

Hello Hope,

Sorry to hear about your lapse. Even though unpleasant for you it's just a blip really and should hopefully act as a reminder as to why you can't drink.

Nothing changes if we decide to return to booze, the same problems and issues still arise and they always will do.

Try not to let the lapse turn into a full relapse, the progress you've made is not lost.

Good luck to you.

John

Hope, I'm so sorry. I agree with Bim - this can end now.

Sometimes we need further proof that we can't touch a drop of the poison. I had to have bad things happen a few times in order to get more determined. In the end, I was playing with my life - putting myself in danger every time I took a risk. You sound disgusted, & ready to get free for good - and we know you can. I'm so glad you posted about what happened. :hug:

There is no shame in swallowing your pride and getting the help you need through AA or elsewhere. You say you've had a few months of sobriety so you know what it takes. Sorry to hear your relapsed, but its good that you came here to post and are getting back at it.

Hope,

I understand your feelings. You probably were robbed while passed out. Glad you were not physically assaulted or killed.

I am coming up on a personal best regarding fully pure from intentional ingestion of booze. The crave was raging a bit the other day while shopping.

The AV was whispering...who cares. Nobody cares. Nobody is coming to save you. Live it up. Do your thing. I literally shook my head to get the thoughts to clear as I approached the check out register.

A few minutes late, the crave was gone. I woke up sober again.

I have to suffer through those craves or face the damnation of relapse.

My mind is forever altered. I have to fake that I am never going to drink again until it really happens.

I have a ton of fun these days sober. My natural dopamine is perculating nicely. It took well over a year to start to feel good generally all the time. These days I get really happy for no reason often. But, I had to suffer horribly to get this much freedom.

The whole time my AV is telling me to drink up. It sits in the dark corner of my mind, patiently waiting and whispering.

Thanks.

Hope, this can be the last time that you feel this way. Please know that you are not alone. We do understand. We make bad choices and then have to face the consequences. I hope you start to feel better. :)

Thank you, everyone, for reading. It's relieving knowing that there are people out there who knows exactly what I'm going through.

Yes, they probably robbed me while I passed out.

In the previous comments, someone said I felt disgusted with myself, and I think that's the perfect description for me.

I'm taking so many risks like there is no possible scenario if I continue this that can turn good. I'll end up dead because I am not an aggressive person or I don't really drive drunk (or at all), so I'll end up dead if this does not stop.

The poison has a knack for humbling the best of us and our intentions, that's for sure. You had months of sobriety before yesterday you said, so it's clear you can do this going forward. Keep after it doggedly, working out the kinks etc. til you get it nailed. Onward and upward.

Hope,

That was a terrifying turn of events. And dangerous, especially for a lady. Be sure you’ve cancelled any credit cards.

The deeply humiliating things that alcohol and me did together were wretched. BUT, this is your moment. You can turn this event to your future’s good. When I was in your shoes I found SR and others told me that I never had to feel that way again. I never have. You absolutely can force good change out of this moment. Take care of yourself today. Lots of liquids etc..

I look forward to seeing you around and following your success. You can do it! Join the weekender thread and let us encourage you along the way. :)

Thank you very much Mark.

I could see this was going to happen. I am a very lonely person and I'm terrified of being lonely. So as the weekend comes, I know I'll be all by myself, so I fell off the wagon just to socialize. Dumb mistake and I take full accountability for it.

It is just that everytime you fall down again, you hit yourself harder. And it gets harder to get back up.

I'm sorry to hear that you went through that and lost so many of your belongings. Hopefully replacing those items isn't too difficult.

I don't think there is any shame in being honest about what happened. That wasn't you who did those things, it was a very compromised and inebriated person. Now, you knowing that you can get like that when drinking, can feel some shame about allowing yourself to drink, sure. But don't feel shame for the drunken actions. Just use what you can to make sure you don't end up in that situation again.

A little over a year ago, I was in a similar situation. I missed the last train out of the city after a concert and stayed up all night drinking with some homeless people, ended up missing work the next day with a no call/no show because my phone was dead. Luckily I had a very understanding boss. But anyway, my point is that, things like this aren't as uncommon as you think when it comes to alcoholism. There are others who have gone through experiences similar to yours, and much worse.

I hope you can make the necessary changes so this will never happen again. :hug:

Thank you very much for sharing that experience. It's really comforting that someone understands the way that I am feeling. I struggle a lot with changes, and I know that to stop drinking there need to be A LOT of changes and routines. And maybe that's what scares me the most, plus being lonely.

Hi hope I'm sorry to hear what happened to you ...I believe you can do this ..we all do ...
Alcohol is a cruel mistress taking everything In it's path ..please don't be so hard on yourself
giving you a big hug ❤
cara x

This was literally me a month ago.
I lost everything too.
My car, my cards, was stranded in DC at a bus stop for days.
Met some nice people, but they drank too.
I too was hanging out with homeless people at one point. Missed a bus.
Was robbed.
Offered crack, didn't do it.
Offered cocaine, did do it.
I finally made my way home.
Still picking up the pieces.
Still struggling with sobriety.
Still making bad choices.
But I've started treatment. Going to meetings. Finding a therapist. Making moves in the right direction.
It's somehow comforting to know that others can relate to my experiences.
But it's sad that so many people go through this.
Good luck hope -- we're in this together.

I'd get over your embarrassment Hope.

I'm sure that yesterday won;t stop you from catching trains, so why should embarrassment keep you from a meeting?

If you keep ending up in the same dark place your recovery action plan needs work - maybe you need more support, maybe you need to use the support you have more effectively, maybe you need to look seriously at your lifestyle and/or the way you deal with problems...but something has to change.

You need more, Hope.

D

Hope- not tough love here, but this is definitely not the end point. You have an awareness that something is wrong. With that awareness you can change. You need a plan, support and lots more support. For me that is SR at night and AA. Plus professional support...but for daily- here and AA.
People at AA have seen it all and you will not find your story unusual. The time to go is when you feel ashamed or do not want to. It is great when we feel well and happy, or in control.
Think of it this way- do you wait until you feel better after a flu before you see a doctor? Just go- get there a little early and tell someone there you are new and nervous....works a treat.

My first meeting- I was homeless, not just hanging around the homeless. My family abandoned me when I burnt to death (revived 3 times) from a blackout and a ciggie and a fiberglass splint. I had no possessions, home, family, money and very terrible burns and pain. I was drinking 5L of cheap wine a day when I stopped (after hospital- I went back to drinking for a time).
You do not have to leave a rock bottom to that extreme. Get help- see a GP, organize a rehab- community or otherwise, go to AA, POST HERE LOTS! Join some threads.
My prayers and support to you.