2 years since I made the biggest change to my life so far
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Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 1,137
2 years since I made the biggest change to my life so far
Tonight, it will be 2 years since I’ve had my last drink. 2 years of no longer running from things and from life.
I remember it still very clearly. I was at my by then boyfriend’s place and I really didn’t want that drink. I had miscalculated how much alcohol I’d need as I assumed we’d go to bed earlier. So I was lying in bed that night, being unable to sleep as I was slowly going into withdrawal. I only had one of those small bottles of wine with me which I had planned to have in the morning.
For about an hour I had an internal debate about what to do, if I should drink it now and then not have anything in the morning. But in the end I ‘had to’ have it cause I couldn’t sleep without it. I sneaked into the kitchen and downed that wine. There was no enjoyment in it, no nothing, it was like taking medicine. My ex noticed it of course and I felt ashamed.
The next morning I had an appointment with a therapist. She told me to become her patient I’d have to stop drinking for at least 6 months. This seemed like a complete joke to me. I couldn’t possibly survive that long without alcohol. But I was desperate enough to get my life back together that I agreed.
Since then I have been to 2 different therapists, joined AA, this forum and read a whole lot of self-help literature. Some things improved massively. My moods are more stable, my anxiety disappeared almost completely, I am much better at handling social situations, I am less controlling about my surroundings, I pay my bills in time, I paid off my debt, I am able to live with a roommate these days, I became more understanding of others, I obsess less about things, I’m seeing things less black and white, I learned how to take care of myself emotionally and physically, I got back in touch with myself, found out what I like and don’t like, who I am.
I learned to face challenging situations without alcohol and that things will pass.
Still I am not yet where I want to be. I still struggle massively with every day life and organising myself. I stopped drinking so I could function like a proper adult. Which I still don’t always do. Recently I received an ‘explanation’ for that. I was diagnosed with Asperger’s. It was a bit of a relief knowing what caused my problems and that I don’t just need to try harder or am imagining them. But it also depressed me a fair bit. I don’t want to be different. And I worry that I will never be able to work, parent and take care of myself like others can.
But if there’s one thing I have learnt about myself in the past 2 years it is that I don’t give up easily. So I will continue on the route of recovery, continue to work on myself and to find ways to make life work for me. 2 years ago I would’ve not thought it possible to be as ‘well-functioning’ like I am now, so who knows where the next year will bring me to. And things do get better if we work on them.
I remember it still very clearly. I was at my by then boyfriend’s place and I really didn’t want that drink. I had miscalculated how much alcohol I’d need as I assumed we’d go to bed earlier. So I was lying in bed that night, being unable to sleep as I was slowly going into withdrawal. I only had one of those small bottles of wine with me which I had planned to have in the morning.
For about an hour I had an internal debate about what to do, if I should drink it now and then not have anything in the morning. But in the end I ‘had to’ have it cause I couldn’t sleep without it. I sneaked into the kitchen and downed that wine. There was no enjoyment in it, no nothing, it was like taking medicine. My ex noticed it of course and I felt ashamed.
The next morning I had an appointment with a therapist. She told me to become her patient I’d have to stop drinking for at least 6 months. This seemed like a complete joke to me. I couldn’t possibly survive that long without alcohol. But I was desperate enough to get my life back together that I agreed.
Since then I have been to 2 different therapists, joined AA, this forum and read a whole lot of self-help literature. Some things improved massively. My moods are more stable, my anxiety disappeared almost completely, I am much better at handling social situations, I am less controlling about my surroundings, I pay my bills in time, I paid off my debt, I am able to live with a roommate these days, I became more understanding of others, I obsess less about things, I’m seeing things less black and white, I learned how to take care of myself emotionally and physically, I got back in touch with myself, found out what I like and don’t like, who I am.
I learned to face challenging situations without alcohol and that things will pass.
Still I am not yet where I want to be. I still struggle massively with every day life and organising myself. I stopped drinking so I could function like a proper adult. Which I still don’t always do. Recently I received an ‘explanation’ for that. I was diagnosed with Asperger’s. It was a bit of a relief knowing what caused my problems and that I don’t just need to try harder or am imagining them. But it also depressed me a fair bit. I don’t want to be different. And I worry that I will never be able to work, parent and take care of myself like others can.
But if there’s one thing I have learnt about myself in the past 2 years it is that I don’t give up easily. So I will continue on the route of recovery, continue to work on myself and to find ways to make life work for me. 2 years ago I would’ve not thought it possible to be as ‘well-functioning’ like I am now, so who knows where the next year will bring me to. And things do get better if we work on them.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,385
Congrats on 2 years Kev. I know many folks with varying degrees of Aspergers - they all live full lives, no less full than mine and more full than many 
in a sense it's very much like recovery I think - no one wants to be different - you fear your life will always be less than others - but that need not be the the case
in a sense it's very much like recovery I think - no one wants to be different - you fear your life will always be less than others - but that need not be the the case
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,476
Kev, it sounds like you've accomplished so many things during these two years, so many positive things. Be very proud of how far you've come, and I've no doubt that you will continue to learn and grow. You're on the way to being the best you can be. Congratulations on 2 years of recovery!
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
It sucks to find there's a major difference in how the brain works; in how I respond to people and circumstances. Mine is severe childhood trauma. I have traumatic amnesia aka "deeply buried memories".
One foot in front of the other. Prayer. Meditation. Staying open and connected to healthy support systems.
This one day is good. This one moment I am carried through.
If the depression hangs in there, I found a combination of therapies are often more helpful for recovering from it.
Thank you for this post! Thank you for being here.
Congratulations on your sobriety!!
One foot in front of the other. Prayer. Meditation. Staying open and connected to healthy support systems.
This one day is good. This one moment I am carried through.
If the depression hangs in there, I found a combination of therapies are often more helpful for recovering from it.
Thank you for this post! Thank you for being here.
Congratulations on your sobriety!!
And thank you for an inspiring message. Member
Join Date: Oct 2018
Posts: 160
Thank you so much for this post. It's so real and inspirational. I will read it again after today because it's just so real. You're doing it...living and dealing with life. You sound so grounded and strong. Congratulations to you and your achievements!!!
SeaSlug
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Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: Right here, right now
Posts: 3,965
Hi Kev, Congrats on two years! That is amazing! An Aspergers diagnosis helps explain some of your symptoms and challenges. But it need not define you. It is only one small characteristic. There are so many other parts to you. You have strength, determination and perseverance, motivation. You are resourceful, self reflective and seeking to do the right thing. I can see all this in your post. By the way, my son is also on the Aspberger spectrum. He is very young. They are catching this much earlier in this generation and I know that spectrum is on the rise. Having an Aspergers, or any diagnosis for that matter, can make one feel different, isolated, judged. It’s so important to stay connected and surround yourself with support. There’s lots of support resources out there in community and online, including SR.
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 635
Congrats Kev, in my opinion we are all different. I noticed i mimic people their performance their life I am unable to be independent. that is a problem I also sabotage myself.
anyways we are different and that is the real beauty of life. you are not less because you have Asperge. You may be better than others just because you have to try harder and its like a muscle this thing.
Congrats again!
anyways we are different and that is the real beauty of life. you are not less because you have Asperge. You may be better than others just because you have to try harder and its like a muscle this thing.
Congrats again!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 271
Yes! Great work. You should be very proud of your progress! 
Don't know if you have read Unbroken Brain by Maia Szalavitz, but that is an interesting account of the role Asperger's/high functioning autism can play in the development of addictions. Definitely worth a look, if you haven't read it already.
Don't know if you have read Unbroken Brain by Maia Szalavitz, but that is an interesting account of the role Asperger's/high functioning autism can play in the development of addictions. Definitely worth a look, if you haven't read it already.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 1,137
Thank you everyone for your lovely responses! And you're right, I shouldn't let a diagnosis define or even limit me. To be honest, I was so devastated when I first became aware of being an alcoholic. I thought life would be a constant struggle against cravings now and that I would have to live in constant fear of a relapse. Which is not the case. The more I learned to live with it, the more I learned about recovery, the less I was scared of having that as part of me and the less I felt defined by it.
Alcoholism and recovery are part of me but I am more than that. I will try to look at the Asperger's in the same way.
Tomls, congratulations to you too!
Hey McTell, I think remember you from one of your first posts! That was still with my old account (same name minus the 2) and your old one I guess. I haven't heard of the book before but just found it online and ordered it. It sounds interesting, thanks for the recommendation!
Alcoholism and recovery are part of me but I am more than that. I will try to look at the Asperger's in the same way.
Tomls, congratulations to you too!
Hey McTell, I think remember you from one of your first posts! That was still with my old account (same name minus the 2) and your old one I guess. I haven't heard of the book before but just found it online and ordered it. It sounds interesting, thanks for the recommendation!
sober style
Join Date: May 2016
Location: San Antonio
Posts: 2,382
You're awesome, kevlarsjal. Some of the greatest figures of history would surely have been regarded by current fashions as having one syndrome or another. I won't say labels like that are meaningless, but you've got the goods and that's what matters. You're gonna get where you're going to, I bet.
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