Babescake

I'm really struggling. I went to rehab in January and have been sober for the most part with periodic relapses, especially the last month when served divorce papers where my ex is trying for full legal/physical custody, the house immediately and no spousal support after a decade of marriage.

I attend AA, therapy, etc., but still struggle. I have hidden the relapses when they have occurred. It didn't work today. I drank, not drunk, but my ex found a bottle of pop/vodka and took it from me. I fought him for it and we wrestled around and I ended up scratching him in the process. He called the cops. I'm utterly horrified. So report or charges but I feel like my case for joint custody is tarnished forever now. It makes me want to give up. If I can't stay sober through this, what the hell else am I going to need to go through for it to click? I don't understand it, why I do it and it scares me. I think about suicide a lot but am scared of damaging my child.

Dee74

I'm sorry you're in this position Babescake.

It was a difficult process for me to learn to deal with tough situations and not drink, but the more I did it the stronger I got and the better I got at dealing with things.

Giving up and drinking again wold not get me to where I wanted to be.

Support helps - when I wanted to drink I cane here instead.

Its been a decade since I drank - noone can beat me with that club anymore - I really believe you can get here too - as long as you commit to making different healthy choices every time

JudicatorPanzer

You don't have to drink over this, A drink will only add one more pile om your plate. Sleep this off and tomorrow is a new day

Mango212

One day at a time.

None of the big things are going to get hashed out overnight.

It sounds like some good actions and new behaviors on your part, with AA and therapy.

Three questions:

How often are you going?

Do you have a sponsor?

Have you looked into inpatient therapy?

One foot in front of the other. One step at a time. Kudos for posting here.

entropy1964

Totally illogical isn't it?

BC, booze isn't working. So you really have no other choice than to find other ways of dealing with your fear. I imagine you are frightened of the 'worst case scenario', drink because of the fear, only to bring the worst case closer to becoming reality. And yes, suicide would demolish your child. And you.

Please don't allow this poison to destroy you. There is always hope.....there are so many examples of it here.

Primativo

You and me and many here, need to stop reaching for drink when life throws us some problems. It's how we ended up in addiction, because we kept reaching for the bottle for everything.

I think you will be surprised at how resilient you are if you stop drinking over anything and everything. Yes, you may feel uncomfortable, particularly in the short term as our minds will gravitate towards alcohol to change the way we feel, but every time you resist you re-wire your brain back to it's natural state, which is NOT to turn to drugs, but to overcome problems naturally.

FeelingGreat

That's how alcoholism works Babe. Your body learns to choose drink when its undergoing any type of stress, be it physical or emotional. You say you don't know why it happens, but you've trained it that way.
If you can stay sober for an extended period the urges will go away and you'll learn to deal without alcohol. I suggest you set up some routines to reduce stress such as deep breathing, meditation, exercise. Don't let yourself get hungry or thirsty.

You can do this! But relapses are out. Your husband will have a pretty good idea of what's going on, even if you think you're fooling him. So will your child.

Hawkeye13

Yes, they always know, especially when they are tipped off it has been happening.

Just because he is trying to get all those things doesn't mean he will.
What does your lawyer say?

Anna

Babescake, I'm sorry that you're struggling and that it's led to a more difficult situation. What does your lawyer tell you about spousal support/custody? I'm sure you know that staying sober is the best and maybe, the only, thing you can do to help things. I hope you can find a way to make sobriety work for you.

DreamCatcher17

I am sorry you are going through this.
This is hard for me to say and I am sure hard for you to hear.
Maybe until you can get your life and sobriety on track the best situation for the children will be with someone who is stable.
This is an opportunity for you to get well, the end result is AMAZING. You will be better for you and for your children.

I wish you the best and I will pray for you.

Blessings,
DC

Verdantia

There is hope, Babescake--a lot of it. It seems so insurmountable, I know--but it's not. Develop a stronger plan of action, whether with AA or other means--and stick to it. Tell yourself, today I will not drink, no matter what happens.
I never understood why I drank because it doesn't make sense (cunning, baffling and powerful is the truth) and I don't really have to know why-I just need to not drink.
I have 2 years and 10 months of sobriety but yesterday I was having difficulties in managing the computer system at the college where I just started classes (at age 58--never too late!) and as I ruminated in anger the thought just popped into my head--a drink would be great about now--how calming it would be. In the past I might've been so angry and frustrated that I acted upon the urge but this time I thought: 'How ridiculous. You'll figure this out. If you drink again, you will die.' The urge passed, as they always do and I ended up figuring out my problem--if not, I would've gotten drunk, today I would be hungover, full of self-hatred--and the problem would remain.
I wish you all the best in your sober journey; your ex is searching for any advantage; please don't give it to him.

Babescake

Thanks for the well wishes. However, people urging me to give up my child doesn't help me want to stay sober. It'd be different if my ex would encourage a relationship between me and my child, but I don't see that happening and I don't want to miss out on years of his life when I'm a good and present parent otherwise. Obviously I need to strengthen my resolve and tools. My lawyer has been informed but no response yet. Luckily no arrest, charges, report or anything. And I have no criminal record to speak of and many instances of watching my child for weeks alone at a time, including three weeks this year.

Dee74

Hi Babecake - I don't think anyone suggesting you give up your child...but you know yourself that latest incident won't help you with a custody case.

The best way to show you're a fit loving and capable parent is to be that way - no ands ifs or buts.

For drinkers like us that means no nights off from recovery, no one glass here no matter how hard the day or how low you feel...no relaxing with wine when children are asleep or when they're at your ex's....

I know it's hard and it may seem unfair to you now but thats the deal.

The road to you becoming who you really want to be starts with quitting drinking and staying quit, I think

Jules714

Continuing to drink is you giving up your child.
Fact. Hard, unpalatable truth, I know. I lost custody.
I live with my choice daily. I made this bed; I lie in it.
I have not drank in 15+ months. I got here one day at a time and it is possible. Infact, despite the sometimes excruciating pain of missing my child, I am actually quite happy and healthy again. Only because I don't drink under any circumstance. I deal with life. Drinking is not living & dealing, it's dying and killing off bits of people who love us one selfish swig at a time.
You can do this, and you really must other wise your drinking will certainly win his case for him.
Jules

Babescake

I know I'm losing him. That is why I'm so scared by my actions. I don't have a nice spouse that would tier custody as I show improvement. He's all for nothing so I can spend $$$$ after the final case, money I don't have. It is SUPER hard to change a decree once finalized so I will fight tooth and nail for myself if nobody else will.

Sorry you lost custody. Do you see your kid(s) now? On what schedule?

Also, M/F? I know that sounds bad but curious.

August252015

Are you scared enough to stop drinking? One of the best ways to lose a child in the most important sense, emotionally and with trust and love, is to be an abusive alcoholic parent. Which is redundant because any alcoholic parent is abusing their children to some degree, even if simply by being untrustworthy.

Bottom line, though- you have to stop for yourself. Everything else has to follow that because your sobriety simply cannot be tied to what anything or anyone else is or does. Period.

I hope you stop drinking so you can start clearly assessing and dealing with the tough reality you are facing. You can.

DontRemember

I'm sorry(not really..if I was how I had gotten the past few years, I'd blame no one for taking my kid),BUT I took my daughter away from her mother when she was "lost in addiction" (she was4yrs old)..'sorry' again..BUT I have to say..look what you wrote above..it's ALL about you! If that's how you really feel, how about making your recovery all about you and see what happens? One thing I told my exwf about the kid because she was worried I'd talk bad about her..and again..this was just me; " She will form her own opinion of you by your actions/inaction"..They haven't spoke in years..she hates her mom! My,now 23yr old daughter, can't stand her mom. It's completely on you and you alone to deal with your stuff,dear.

Guener

I found that when you lose yourself, and alcohol will take you there, then everything else follows. It doesn't matter what value you place on something, the drinking will eventually strip you from it. And that's why your number one priority has to be to refrain from drinking. I think that you're coming to experience how this can happen, now.

Keep doing the right things that you have done, like AA and therapy, diligently. I found that specific types of therapy (CBT and DBT) were more helpful for me than others, including means to alter my train of thought when having an urge to set aside my commitment to stopping, and for my mental health generally. It may not be enough to get you to the place of joint child custody that you seek, one has to be honest with oneself above all.

I cannot leave this commentary, and statement of support, that thoughts of extreme behaviors, of suicide included, are not uncommon when the brain and one's emotions are completely thrown off balance, especially by using. We don't want the pain to continue. You'll find that these feelings can subside by refraining from using, by continuing to do what you can to begin to reset your body and feelings. Have a plan when you face hard situations, like court, to help you not to relapse and to keep you safe.

DontRemember

THIS is on point!!!

and forget the notion of "I want it better now!!"..that's NOT gonna happen! AT ALL! There is nothing you or your lawyer can say/do to make this go away. It's happening and you (Babescake) have to work towards fixing yourself/situation..Not a new husband,another drink,another kid,ect(probably a bit triggered from my exwf).. will do that..it is 100% on you and you alone to do. Get to it for your son!

**if that's what you really want**

otherwise...proceed like you are.

Jules714

As of right now I have not seen my child since June. She lives very far away. He refused to put her on a plane in August and we are involved in litigation that he keeps getting continued. I should have had her last week. Again..constant litigation. Tens of thousands of dollars.
Thankfully my child is a teen, and we speak daily. This poor girl has two alcoholic parents. For all intents though everyone is doing well.
I dont engage with my ex. Ever. All through attorney.
Things are not at all remotely deal but my point is I do not drink. And my child and I talk frequently about how strong we are. How we are actually doing this.
Things wont always be this way...but for now, this is our reality. Lest, I ever forget this little girl involved.
You can do it.
​​​​​​
Jules