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Old 10-11-2018, 07:21 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Unhappy

New to the site, I'm being abused


Hi guys,

This is my first post on the site as a member, but I have read countless posts on here that really help me to feel like i'm not alone.

I am a 24 year old with an A ex BF who is 35. We dated for two years and were very close friends before our romantic relationship started. Before someone points out our age difference, you must understand our dynamic. I am a old soul, well educated, "goody good" girl from the north with a career at a marketing company. My ex is a wild, young spirited, bartender from the south. In the beginning, I thought we were soul mates. Our relationship was so much fun and we balanced each other out. I've never been so happy in my life. I thought my dreams were coming true. He made me feel alive and loved and understood.

After about 3 months into our established relationship, I started seeing red flags, but being the codie that I am, I ignored them. We went out drinking a lot but usually it was because we went to go see a band or to go throw darts or play music together at an open mic. Drinks were always involved. I noticed he would get aggressive after a night of drinking. The abuse started slowly and every so often. He would lash out on me if I made him upset in the tiniest way.

I remember one of our earliest fights was he was trying to drive us home after going to a bar to play darts. I was in charge of the GPS and I accidentally told him the wrong direction. For the first time, he yelled at me super loudly in the car. I had never seen him like that before. I was scared. Little did I know that this fight would be the most docile compared to the rest.

The abuse got worse and worse and more often as time went on but always mixed with extremely fun and romantic times together. He confessed to me that he drinks behind the bar when he is working. He has asked me to bring him airplane bottles to his job. He is always drunk whenever he comes home from work. This is not a part of who I want to be anymore. He wasn't being the man I fell in love with anymore. It hurts so bad. I feel so heartbroken.

A year and a half later (last week), he told me he was driving a bar guest from his bar home named Donnie. I remember my ex telling me he didn't like this man and was always complaining about him. I told my ex I thought it was weird because I thought he didn't like this person. This made him blow up in rage and fake break up with me (like he's done every time he rages). I drove over to his house wanting to talk things out and he pretended to call the cops on me. Then he ended up pushing me so hard, accidentally hitting my throat, that I ended up crashing into his coffee table, knocking it over and spilling bong water onto his new carpet (he smokes pot). He then came over to me and screamed to me on the floor, "Look what you did you ******* bitch!" And then left the house. He didn't check to see if I was okay.

I have never laid a hand on this man. I don't know who he is anymore. If I would have known he was going to turn out like this, I would have never started a relationship with him. I'm a smart girl with a promising future. I want a man who will make a good partner and father in the future. I thought he was like that. I think he is somewhere deep down, but the alcohol addiction turns him into a monster.

After ignoring his texts for a week, I finally told him that he needs to get help once and for all or I cannot be with him anymore. He admitted to me that when he drinks he is a monster and doesn't want alcohol to be a part of his life anymore and that he will quit. I do not believe for one second that he'll be able to do this on his own. He's been trying to quit smoking cigs for 8 years. I told him he needs to get professional help or i'm done for good. He said he needs some time to give me an answer. He has no health insurance and a family (that he's very close with) that doesn't believe he has a problem.

I'm so sad. I don't want to let him go but he needs to learn that he can't do this to people who have loved him unconditionally. I am so good to this man. I give him everything I can. I just want him to be healthy. I don't want anybody else. Our relationship and our connection is so special to me, but he is not the man I fell in love with.
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Old 10-11-2018, 07:29 AM   #2 (permalink)
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There is really no other kinder softer way for me to say this: RUN.

I've been with abusive men and alcoholics. It isn't going to get better. This is who he is, regardless of the alcohol and pot. Abuse is a separate issue.
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Old 10-11-2018, 07:29 AM   #3 (permalink)
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I'm sorry for whats brought you here Owler but I'm glad you found us - this is a place of great support. Abuse is not OK - under any circumstances and regardless of any addiction or other personal issue or illness.

I hope you'll take the time out to read through some of the links here if you haven't already.

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...out-abuse.html (About Abuse)

Love doesn't require you to put yourself in physical or emotional danger.

Quote:
I want a man who will make a good partner and father in the future.
I think you deserve that too

I think you need to face the very real probability this man is not that man.

Keep yourself safe.

D
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Old 10-11-2018, 07:40 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Run away Owler. This man is not the one for you.

Words are meaningless. Only actions matter. And, for you, the only action that speaks is whether you stay or go. If you stay, your actions mean that you will accept a certain amount of abuse. That is the only message that you send to him. There is a very high likelihood that the abusive behavior will return.

Abuse and alcoholism are separate and different. The latter never, ever excuses the first.

Run away. Don't look back. Get this man out of your life.
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Old 10-11-2018, 07:42 AM   #5 (permalink)
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I don't want anybody else

This will change. I can guarantee it. Give it time.
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Old 10-11-2018, 07:52 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Sorry Owler11. It seems you are with someone who can't handle their emotions, that is only going to cause you pain.
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Old 10-11-2018, 07:56 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Thanks everyone for the quick responses. I can feel the love. It's so hard to let go when you see the potential and the best in the person you love. I know what he's like at his best and it's absolutely wonderful. I want him to get there. But that's between him and God. I need to leave. I have nothing to do with his self realization and healing.
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Old 10-11-2018, 08:01 AM   #8 (permalink)
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In my fantasy world, he gets the help and therapy he needs and comes back the man I know he is. And we live happily ever after.
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Old 10-11-2018, 08:26 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Please read our information on DV and know for certain it will not end , and in fact, it will likely get worse. Please take care of yourself:

Domestic Abuse Defined
http://www.thehotline.org/is-this-abuse/abuse-defined/

International Directory of Domestic Violence Agencies
Abuse information and support for every woman and every girl on Earth

Home HotPeachPages International

National Domestic Abuse Hotline (US)
https://www.thehotline.org

Canada
Canada: domestic violence information HotPeachPages International

UK: call Women’s Aid at 0808 2000 247.
https://www.qld.gov.au/community/get...-getting-help/
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Old 10-11-2018, 08:32 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Bimini & soberandhonest and the rest are wise. Cut your losses now, lick your wounds, treat yourself with the respect, and do some healing --

The alternative is years, possibly a lifetime of lies and hurt. That's not the right life for the person I read in your posts.
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Old 10-11-2018, 08:49 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by owler11 View Post
the man I know he is.
You already know the man he is.

The man you wish him to be isn't who he is.

Run.
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Old 10-11-2018, 08:57 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by soberandhonest View Post
Run away Owler. This man is not the one for you.

Words are meaningless. Only actions matter. And, for you, the only action that speaks is whether you stay or go. If you stay, your actions mean that you will accept a certain amount of abuse. That is the only message that you send to him. There is a very high likelihood that the abusive behavior will return.

Abuse and alcoholism are separate and different. The latter never, ever excuses the first.


Run away. Don't look back. Get this man out of your life.
This--even if he quits, the abuse is a whole different thing and unacceptable on any level. No excuses.
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All the study in the world - and all the subjective hierarchies - won't get people sober. . .

Only action can do that."


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Old 10-11-2018, 09:24 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Everyone, thank you so much. I am astonished at how quickly you all have responded to me. You all are kind gentle people.

Update: I just received a text from him saying, "I miss you. I start mental health therapy next Thursday."

I'm not sure where to go from here. I am very proud of him for setting that up. It's a huge step for him.

I want to believe he'll get better. My therapist told me I should give him 90 days of no contact to see if he'll get sober and receive therapy. Then after the 90 days start getting couples counseling. What do you think?
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Old 10-11-2018, 09:27 AM   #14 (permalink)
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On all levels, this is a relationship enmeshment. At your age, you are just beginning to explore what a relationship is or isn't. At his age, his actions and reactions are destructive and set, basically. I would caution you to not waste your time on this guy. If you had any clue about codependency you are on a classic destructive course. The advice of RUN for your life is correct, don't think for one minute you are enough to make this guy turn his life around and get help/healed/fixed. Forget having children, if he is a monster to you, I can't imagine a safe and nurturing home environment to raise a child in. And if this guy is drinking on duty (a no-no in any state serving alcohol) he runs the risk of being sued (along with the establishment he works for) if something were to happen to a patron he serves. Think about him as a liability in your life. Is this really love? I dare say you will find that the abuse will continue to escalate in spite of any remorse, tears, or crying he does after he explains "I'll never do it again".

Ripe that rearview mirror off your car as you speed away and don't look back.
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Old 10-11-2018, 09:27 AM   #15 (permalink)
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I am so very sorry, Owler, for the abuse you have endured. This is neither what you want or deserve in life.

You deserve and need to be happy, safe and secure in your relationship. This is not what you will ever find with this man.

I pray that you make an immediate and complete break with this man - over the phone or in a public place with people you know nearby. If this man has a key to your place, have your locks changed in advance of the breakup. Don’t hesitate to seek a restraining order if he continues to bother you in any way.

Please know that you are not at fault. You did not cause or precipitate the abuse.

Please stay close to us. We care.
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Old 10-11-2018, 09:34 AM   #16 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by owler11 View Post
Everyone, thank you so much. I am astonished at how quickly you all have responded to me. You all are kind gentle people.

Update: I just received a text from him saying, "I miss you. I start mental health therapy next Thursday."

I'm not sure where to go from here. I am very proud of him for setting that up. It's a huge step for him.

I want to believe he'll get better. My therapist told me I should give him 90 days of no contact to see if he'll get sober and receive therapy. Then after the 90 days start getting couples counseling. What do you think?
Just saw this recent post. I think that we were posting at the same time.

I would not give him this time and chance. You put yourself at too much risk, both emotionally and physically. You are young with a beautiful life ahead of you; cherish the opportunity you have to live it and enjoy it fully. Someone like him can easily take that away from you.
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Old 10-11-2018, 10:17 AM   #17 (permalink)
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Very bad idea. He needs a lot of time and work to deal with both the addiction and also his abuse issues. The abuse in particular is not a quick fix.

Someone in recovery needs to concentrate on themselves first. A relationship, especially one with problems, is actually counter-productive to recovery, not to mention the hellish emotional ups and downs the partner must endure from the recovering person.

And then there is the relapse thing. It can happen any time and often, so that's a lifelong issue. Don't take this all on at your age.

He won't be able to continue to work around alcohol if he's serious about recovery--so what then?

It may actually be better for both of you if you wish him well and end the relationship for good.

It's hard I know, but if you read around here very much, you'll see what we're saying has happened to so many of us and we don't want you to suffer.
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Old 10-11-2018, 10:23 AM   #18 (permalink)
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90 days is a drop in the bucket. Literally. It takes at least a year for the human brain to even heal from the dopamine scorching it receives during years and years of active drinking.
What your boyfriend is up against is a full lifetime of committing to and staying committed to full recovery. And that will have to come first in his life. Make no mistake about that. His recovery will have to come before you, before any children you may have together, before any career he may have. Are you ready to be all in with that? Because that is exactly what you're looking at.
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Old 10-11-2018, 10:26 AM   #19 (permalink)
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I would suggest you leave him and don't look back. He has shown you who he is and it isn't nice. You deserve happiness and you're not going to find it with him.
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