DesertGuy2112

Hello everyone. First post here... No idea where else to go.

I feel like I have been up for days... I can't sleep. I am drinking just to maintain, if that makes any sense... Sorry in advance for the long post.

I just turned 34. I've been a full-blown alcoholic since college at age 21. Alcohol has destroyed my life.

Two psych ward stays, one DUI, an assault charge, multiple detoxes, 4 rehabs... no felonies thank God. Lost every single woman in my life (almost married one of 'em) because of my drinking. Lost all my friends. Lost all of my self respect. Hid vodka all over the house. Lied and said I wasn't drinking when I was hammered beyond recognition... I become almost psychotic when drinking. I am your classic Jekyll and Hyde like the BB talks about...

Fast forward to now... I am over 1,500 miles away from home (Midwest) living in a ****** apartment in a huge city surrounded by some pretty awful people. I originally came out here earlier this year in January for a 90 day rehab and managed to stay sober for 7 months (I started drinking again late August). I quit going to meetings, quit praying... Gave AA a solid shot for 3 years, but I hate it. I just do.

Well, I eventually moved back home with my parents after rehab. I ended up quitting a good Union job I had for 4 years where I was making $25 bucks an hour and soon to be making $32/hr. Smart move. I do have a Bachelor's degree, but who cares... I was trying to find a job back home with ZERO luck.

Always had an extremely volitale relationship with my father and when I was drunk (or even when I wasn't) we argued A LOT. He is abusive to my mother and actually called the police on me when I got in his face... Nothing came of that.

So I cashed out my 401k and hit the road out west for a fresh start. I paid off all my credit card debt, found a job, bought some furniture, got an apartment. I lasted 3 days with my employer. It was the worst job I ever had in my life. I walked off. First time I ever did that at a job.

I have absolutely no idea what to do. No money, no job and a credit card to pay my bills and live off of until I can find my next BS job. And so far I've just been drinking in my apartment scared out of my mind trying to fight off panic attacks...

least

Welcome to the family. First thing to do is stop drinking, right now. If you are afraid of withdrawal, see your doctor for help.

Nothing will get better as long as you're still drinking.

allishope73

Hi . Thank you . I feel your pain. I do not have any answers byt what did not work for me and caused relapsing .... never adressing properly underlying issues that led to alcohol use. I see the pattern as when not drinking i would for example drink too much coffee or trying to keep busy to not feel. Exercising too much instead steady. And crash as body physically and mentally burn out . I do find AA helpful but i m just taking what suits. I am not dogmatic but found helpful. I was reading today 12 step secular programme adapted to those who had problem with the word God. I see this programme works the same deepth as original one and focuses on working towards integrity. You are still young... there is life ahead. This site is very good. So much information and support. I am wishing you all the best . Finger crossed. I read somewhere there is hope to recover at any stage of addiction. You are not alone xD

PinnacleOR

By posting here you actually did something, give yourself credit for that. There are lots of people here who got sober without AA.

I’m just on the other side, 4 days sober. Man, it’s so much better. If you want one thing else to do today, it’s to commit to not drink. If you need help, ask for it. I’ve detoxed in hospital and it probably saved my life a few times.

You can do it.

DesertGuy2112

Thanks. I did the same damn thing when I was sober. Drink coffee like crazy. I guess I'm just a nut... I have no off switch and I have to take everything to the extreme. I took AA to the extreme and I felt like I was losing my mind/identity

Ghostlight1

Hello and welcome.
Your story is not unlike mine. I had to hit a pretty low bottom in order to finally stop drinking, and I hit it more than once.
Wish I had some words of wisdom for you, but I think you know what you have to do.

You're thirty four. That's about how long my drinking career lasted. So I'm no novice as to what you're going through.
I lost everything. More than once. Homeless. But still I drank.
I'm sorry AA isn't for you. It sure saved my ass.

I hope you can get to work on staying sober. It seems it's about your only hope.
Best to you.

DesertGuy2112

Thank you, brother. I'm unemployed with no medical insurance. I'm out here and thinking about where can I run to next... sums up my life perfectly. Always running. I even thought about just hitting the road and leaving all of my **** here.

I know people in LA, but that would end in disaster....

Wastinglife

I can relate DesertGuy. I have had similar consequences due to my alcoholism. DUI, lost relationships, lost jobs, bankruptcy, and even a psych ward stay.

I am only 15 days sober in my latest attempt at lasting sobriety but feeling more optimistic than ever because I just can't do it anymore. My mental health is really being affected now after 15 years of alcoholism. My thoughts are getting darker and darker when I drink including suicidal thoughts, which is a new thing to me.

Welcome to the site. You will find a lot in common with the people here.

Buckley3

Hi there. Great choice coming here. We're a very supportive bunch.

I'd like to make two points about these two paragraphs.

First one - that sounds like an awesome resume for an ex-drunk who got sober and found peace and sanity. There's a lot of us here. Why not you? I bet you can do it...

Second one - I think you do know what to do. There's a ton of stuff you can't really control, and a bunch you can. One for sure: Don't drink. In a very immediate sense at least, screw aa, screw the anxiety, screw being broke, screw being jobless. Don't drink. Take all the rest one step at at time. You aren't the only one that has a hard time dealing with AA - you aren't alone in that. Take what's good for you and look to some other source. But, all that stuff can't be figured out if you drink.

In the end, my personal belief is this is all about you. All. About. You.

What's good for you? Can you be honest to you? Can you not drink for you?

This is an amazing site to learn a ton of different perspectives. I suggest consuming as much info as you can and educating yourself. Knowledge is power and empowerment.

You aren't alone. Know that. Keep sharing here. Don't drink for a bit. Keep it that simple. Figure the rest out as it comes.

Best to you -

B

DesertGuy2112

Thank you. Yes the dark thoughts are honestly the most embarrassing and confusing aspects to this.

I called people last night and said I was done. Done with life. And then I'd walk around my 380 sq ft apartment vocally cursing people from my past. Then cry when I couldn't sleep and curse God and wish I was dead.

Wow.

allishope73

.... omg i am the same ... brain working 24/7 i suffered from pannick attacks whole life but when life was quiet and before drinking i managed better. Perfectionism was my first addiction as well ... i just wanted to be best i could ...all or nothing . I bless alcohol ... although it is such terrible ilness as alcohol and suffering made me changing things. And i feel i m on the right path. First as wise people say stop drinking and go through first week. I m doing without medical assistance as i was refused hospital ... but it is so difficult alone. If you have opportunity it would be safer with medical support. You can read my posts to see how it all started and also how confused i was and just keeping back with determination to day one. For me acceptance and letting go approach . I will need to work on primary trauma but first sobriety as theraphy itself is hard. I was adviced by doctor that at the moment of huge life stressors first to focus on sobriety. When i ll be ready i can do trauma work, as now it would not be safe. I m just learning by trial - error back to sobriety. Having known i ve been running on adrenaline and cortisol whole life i should involve meditation technigues , self compassion and not trying to be so perfect. It is very hard . But i do value life itself ...i keep on trying till i get sober for good . Good luck . You can make it.

DesertGuy2112

Thanks. Perfectionism is almost as bad as alcoholism! I have suffered from it my whole life. I also have a severe eating disorder, which complicates everything else. I weigh 130 pounds and I am 6 ft tall.

Ladysadie

Not sure which state you are in, but you can go to your county's social services office and sign up for food stamps. If you do not qualify this month, you can get in touch with county services for meals within your community. Eating is an important step when you are fighting your AV or detoxing. Most cities have multiple kitchens that will serve you lunch and dinner, but you'll have to figure out which kitchens are open, when.

Second of all, there are many temp services that hire day help. This can help you stay focused and paid in order to move about or make other arraignments for work. But it's a step forward. Libraries often have resources in their front foyers. Many non-profits have services to help people like you who need screenings, health information or ministry services. Most are nonjudgmental, so please don't hesitate to reach out from where you are.

Wishing you strength to get your life going forward, sending you hugs. You can do this!

DesertGuy2112

Thank you. I just don't know if I should pack up and go home...

Hevyn

DesertGuy - I'm so glad you joined us, but very sorry for the painful time you're having.

I was there, too - but quite a bit older when I finally reached out for help. In my 30's I was still trying to control my drinking - & almost lost my life doing so. I don't know why I was so determined to hold on to it. The fun times were never coming back - I was completely dependent on it & it was poisoning me. I drank at work, had dui's, lived a reckless life for a time. I'm over 10 yrs. sober thanks to SR. Knowing I'm never alone with the battle has made all the difference. Everyone here understands what you're going through, as others have mentioned.

You can get free of it and have a great rest of your life. I know you don't feel young, but you are - and you can rise above these bad times.

allishope73

... to make you smile i had eating disorder wnen in my early 20 but i managed to sort it and i developed very healthy eating over years as i just like it and love cooking but only grown enough at 27 when i said enough was enough ... as eating or not eating was in my thoughts all the time. It was so bad obsession i would never believe there will be time i do not think about food anymore in unheathy way. I might think i lacked feeling of safety and my father was violent. My mother cold and training me like a dog to be miss prym. At the moment alcohol since 41 42 yers old. Now i m 45. This shows i just swapped one addiction on another never adressing primary underlying issues properly. But only alcohol made me being commited seriously to change as alcohol is evil. I cannot function on it. Also when at uni i tried amphetamine . We all did to study nights. It was in my 25 y old but i got hooked for half a year the same pattern binge stop binge stop. Again gave it up myself without help just stopped as it was so awful coming down and i never been back to drugs . Luckly never tried cocaine and smoking weed was not for me . My husband gave me feeling of safety but you do not marry somebody for the feeling of safety. It was 15 years co dependence. When we split i hit the bottle properly panicking. I did not feel safe at all. Always worst panick attacks at night as during the day i was better able to deal with them . I m thinking what other addictions ... i did not do gambling , sex however i m uncurable romantic and was able to fell in love from first sight ahaha. Now i m choosing to be simgle before sort myself out in order not to repeat pattern. I also mother people and was a teacher and after caring proffessions. I mothered husband he did practical and spoled me. I m confident but people are attracted to me sensing i m not a threat. So i m liked by vulnerable, animals , children and men ahaha some women love me others hate but i developed some female friendships good ones for life the same with men. I do not have kids . We never been ready ... and i stated kids should not have kids . Only grown enough at 44 feeling this maternal instinct but it is too late as i m divorcing. Plus focusing on recovery. I do not know maybe it helps. Or you identify. Or have a good laugh . I m nuts as well xD alcohol detox first as this makes us insane

Purpleman

"I have absolutely no idea what to do"
Hi DesertGuy2112 I'm with Buckley3 - I'll bet good money you know exactly what to do. The stumbling block, as it is/was for all of us here, is actually taking those first few steps toward positive, healthy action & change. And you've done that by reaching out here.
Your story will resonate with many of us here, & I hope that the fact that so many of us have recovered will give you the hope & motivation to keep heading in the right direction

Anna

Welcome Desertguy!

It sounds like you're ready to make some changes in your life, including being sober. AA is not for everyone and if it didn't work for you, take a look around here and you will find people with many different ideas about recovery. This website is a great place to visit .

DesertGuy2112

Thank you, bro... I swear to God I feel like I am 80 years old sometimes. It just wears you down so fast

InApickle

2 things here.
1/ Telling yourself you are a full blown alcoholic will only cause you more anxiety.

2/ Fighting off panic attacks is part of the first one. ^^^


Only you can decide if you want to stop, personally I have decided not to stop, I could not care less what else I have to lose!

It's up to you to decide how you want to feel.

Good luck.