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Back to square one

Old 10-09-2018, 05:23 AM
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Back to square one

Hello kind people. Not been posting here but was reading from time to time. All seemed to be fine. Smoking score 0 on friday test. Exercising. Life hard but was dealing with trauma. What triggered. I had one sleepless night with no minute able to sleep but i sticked to plan . Went to gym that day. First time i felt there was smthg not right. I felt very weak at class but made it. I started feeling like bursting into tears so i recognised it was emotional. Visited friend. And second night no sleep and panicks attacks. I started feeling angry at my husband and analysing last year situation and shouted eureka i suffer from ptsd after all trauma. So i was thinking maybe make app to doctor and ask for medication for sleep and sedatives. I realised i would expierience symtoms for a while after. Talked myself that it would be bad idea as medication would mask problems the same as alcohol. Silly girl. I made up decision i just have couple of beer just to sleep and i slept. I was not in denial . It meant to be one off to just sleep that night. Of course next morning anxiety worse ..binge. the same pattern sitting alone and crying ashamed. I realise first problem is drinking here. Prepared myself i would expierience depression anxiety insomnia for a long time before it would ease. I do not know how i managed to stop but i managed. Day one. Yes i m scared of withdrawals but first 16 hours passed. I know going to doc is not an idea as i live alone and i have to do it myself. When i stop i stop. I do not function on any substance mind altering. I know this and only teetotal lifestyle works for me. I m terrified of possible future slip as this time i was struggling to stop. I m in bed counting hours ...back to counting hours. My instinct is telling me i m not gonna make another slip. So how to make plan works for future that nobody and nothing would make me to take first sip. My answer ...fighting for life should be my priority. It is not funny ..it is matter of life and death. Other wordly matters i must treat as secondary. I decided to write today to be honest. I m an addict and addiction must be my first priority. Folks were saying you are not an addict you just self medicate situation. I d rather be an addict as if i take first sip i cannot stop. Guilt enhances anxiety and hamster on the wheel is back. So going through this day. I need to post here every day as at the beginning. When i was doing well i forgot i had illness. Caught in life and more happy i stopped posting. I d come and read but there were days i would not even check the site . I thought i made it for good and can focus on other staff. This is how mind tricks us. Thanks for reading and being x D
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Old 10-09-2018, 05:28 AM
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It’s good that you are posting. Also good that you hav come to some realizations about yourself.
Hang in there. It will get better.
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Old 10-09-2018, 05:33 AM
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I'm sorry you drank again -but if it truly brings you to the realisation that alcohol is not an answer for anything, and that posting here for help is even better than reading, then maybe you can pull some good from what happened

I'm glad you made it back
D
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Old 10-09-2018, 06:06 AM
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Thank you Dee, indeed. I am terriefied as i have this button for life. This means only way is hard work lifelong. I think it is so easy to forget. In stupidity patted myself too soon . My brain will create anything for me to be back to old ways. Any symptoms any pains anything at least in first years of sobriety. Seeing people doing amaizing and relapsing after many years shows not only first years . It is a life long. Well this is who i am sad sad but truth . I know i wont be jugded here . I feel safe here. And i just hope it wont be my only identity. But i have the button for life. Truth Thanks xD
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Old 10-09-2018, 08:30 AM
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The opposite of addiction is connection.
 
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When I first heard someone call themselves a “grateful alcoholic” I thought how can this be? How can someone be grateful for such an awful disease? The thing is, those who take on their alcoholism and recovery learn things about themselves, others and humanity that “normal” people never experience. Stay sober, stay on the path and the “sad truth” you’re experiencing can turn into peaceful gratitude ��.
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Old 10-09-2018, 08:55 AM
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This is very true. I had such thought couple of weeks ago that all awful expierience and having this illness i may count as blessing in future. I m intuitive and have moments i just feel in my heart all will be fine if i do proper work. I just talked to friend of mine who said do not be so hard on yourself . You will make it . You just need patience as you are impatient and want all or nothing. Thank you. I would swap with you with days ahaha but i made up mess my responsibilitty is to go throgh withdrawals. Nobody put beer into my hand. I m so glad i m back here every day.
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Old 10-09-2018, 04:27 PM
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Hi allishope - as I mentioned in your other thread it's NOT going to always be this hard

Its hard work for a while, sure but it becomes second nature.

Noone would stay sober if they thought sobriety was something to be endured

D
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