Burned the bridge with my ex
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Dover, New Hampshire
Posts: 105
Burned the bridge with my ex
Today 07:42 AM by Brad41989
It has been a while since I have written on sober recovery I haven't drank since 4/3/14 and just got out of a 2.5 year relationship a month ago. Before that relationship I was in a 6 year relationship and I'm 29 now so my whole twenties I was with two women. It's weird lonely and sometimes depressing being alone now and almost being 30 years old. I work in the restaurant business and most of my friends drink and smoke so I try not to be around them when I'm not clocked in. So me and my most recent girlfriend lived together for 2 years. Not saying I don't have my problems before I list what happened. I had no idea about antidepressants I had heard of them but never researched them. She told me she had been on the for a long time from her late teens she was 25 at the time. She was also obese and I tried to get her to come exercise with me and eat healthier but she never would. I never thought about it much until we started having sex less and less and it was one of the side effects of the medication and we had discussed it. With these things going on I started to wonder if there where different medications she could try but it was a very touchy subject. I was then getting pictures of engagement rings sent to my phone and links to houses she wanted to buy and go look at and as well as her saying she wanted kids by the time she was 27.
The first house we looked at was with her and her parents and me by myself and she wanted to put in a offer! I called my mom and she said DON'T DO IT! so I declined. The landlord we were renting a condo from ended up having a duplex open up which we both agreed was the next step before buying a home. We had to take care of the driveway and buy a snowblower take care of the lawn and buy lawn mower and also bought a washer and dryer bought another puppy on top of the dog we already had and a bunch of other accessories as well as having to put oil in the oil tank to heat the house in the winter and also to having higher utilities for a bigger house.
All these extra bills and responsibilities were a lot and things where getting expensive and also to me paying more rent and also picking up the bill 90% of the time we went out. I was trying though but not in her eyes. So we started to go to counseling in March of 2018 she asked if I would and I agreed. After a decent amount of sessions it came down to her wanting kids and me not wanting kids right now. That was when the wall went up.
I got a call from the landlord saying that she had called him asking when the lease was up. I confronted her and she was surprised that he reached out to me she didn't think he had my number and she wanted to know what we talked about. She told me she wasn't re signing the lease. So I still wanted to know if we were still going to try to continue to go to counseling and try to figure things out and she kept telling me I don't know I'm not sure. I was applying for the apprenticeship for the Naval Shipyard on the laptop a few nights later want to go log into Facebook and her Facebook was already logged in. She had been telling all her guy friends and everybody that we were splitting up and she was looking for a place to live so she didn't have to move back in with her mom and saying things like I need a man of the house he's trying but I don't know. When I was out there snow blowing at 5 in the morning making runs to the dump every weekend making sure all the dishes were done house was vacuumed as well as mowing the lawn.
So I brought up those messages in counseling and she got really defensive saying I bashed her in front of the counselor saying I was snooping through her stuff and didn't trust her. Ended up going away for a weekend to Connecticut to spend some time with my friends and on my way home she asked if where I was sleeping on the couch or in the bed. I came home it was the first time I came home I didn't feel like I was home anymore all the lights were off and the dogs and her were upstairs. So I told her I can keep doing this anymore I'm moving in with my mom until the lease was up. She said it's like we're stuck here and we're pretending and I said I'm not stuck here and I'm not pretending.
So I moved in with my mom for a month, I was getting messages from her saying she missed me she wanted to hang out then we would make plans and she would say oh I don't know if we should hang out or I might say I want to hang out with that I might change my mind I just don't know if we should. It was back and forth. One night I went there and talk to her and said I know I broke up with you and she interrupted me and said technically you broke up with me but I was checked out a while ago.
That set me off I went home that night to my mom's and came back that morning grab my mattress and the couch pulled it outside so she can no longer sleep on it or sit on the couch. I did a lot of reactive thinking and impulsive thinking and didn't think before I acted. I also felt like if I would have kept being civil I would have been put on the back burner and had false hope. What really was the burning of the bridge was when I probably knew that I shouldn't have downloaded tinder. It was actually the app that we met on and I downloaded it wondering if she was on there and sure enough I saw her on there and it upset me and I reacted once again and texted her. And then it cause a series of back and forth arguments and then I just sent a text and burn the bridge I won't repeat what I said but this was almost 3 weeks ago.
I'm not normally the type of person to do these things but I just felt like I was driven up a wall and it was so long and drawn-out. I just wasn't sure how it would have been if I kept acting civil and her dating other guys but keeping me on the back burner and me not knowing about it. either way it's been a tough few months a lot has been going on if you took the time to read this thank you I still haven't drank. It's been hard though. I know time will heal wounds and things will get better I just feel like the way I ended things made it a little bit harder to move on quickly but at the same time maybe it didn't because if I would have ended them nicely I feel like maybe we would still be talking and I would still be holding on to those feelings of Hope.
It has been a while since I have written on sober recovery I haven't drank since 4/3/14 and just got out of a 2.5 year relationship a month ago. Before that relationship I was in a 6 year relationship and I'm 29 now so my whole twenties I was with two women. It's weird lonely and sometimes depressing being alone now and almost being 30 years old. I work in the restaurant business and most of my friends drink and smoke so I try not to be around them when I'm not clocked in. So me and my most recent girlfriend lived together for 2 years. Not saying I don't have my problems before I list what happened. I had no idea about antidepressants I had heard of them but never researched them. She told me she had been on the for a long time from her late teens she was 25 at the time. She was also obese and I tried to get her to come exercise with me and eat healthier but she never would. I never thought about it much until we started having sex less and less and it was one of the side effects of the medication and we had discussed it. With these things going on I started to wonder if there where different medications she could try but it was a very touchy subject. I was then getting pictures of engagement rings sent to my phone and links to houses she wanted to buy and go look at and as well as her saying she wanted kids by the time she was 27.
The first house we looked at was with her and her parents and me by myself and she wanted to put in a offer! I called my mom and she said DON'T DO IT! so I declined. The landlord we were renting a condo from ended up having a duplex open up which we both agreed was the next step before buying a home. We had to take care of the driveway and buy a snowblower take care of the lawn and buy lawn mower and also bought a washer and dryer bought another puppy on top of the dog we already had and a bunch of other accessories as well as having to put oil in the oil tank to heat the house in the winter and also to having higher utilities for a bigger house.
All these extra bills and responsibilities were a lot and things where getting expensive and also to me paying more rent and also picking up the bill 90% of the time we went out. I was trying though but not in her eyes. So we started to go to counseling in March of 2018 she asked if I would and I agreed. After a decent amount of sessions it came down to her wanting kids and me not wanting kids right now. That was when the wall went up.
I got a call from the landlord saying that she had called him asking when the lease was up. I confronted her and she was surprised that he reached out to me she didn't think he had my number and she wanted to know what we talked about. She told me she wasn't re signing the lease. So I still wanted to know if we were still going to try to continue to go to counseling and try to figure things out and she kept telling me I don't know I'm not sure. I was applying for the apprenticeship for the Naval Shipyard on the laptop a few nights later want to go log into Facebook and her Facebook was already logged in. She had been telling all her guy friends and everybody that we were splitting up and she was looking for a place to live so she didn't have to move back in with her mom and saying things like I need a man of the house he's trying but I don't know. When I was out there snow blowing at 5 in the morning making runs to the dump every weekend making sure all the dishes were done house was vacuumed as well as mowing the lawn.
So I brought up those messages in counseling and she got really defensive saying I bashed her in front of the counselor saying I was snooping through her stuff and didn't trust her. Ended up going away for a weekend to Connecticut to spend some time with my friends and on my way home she asked if where I was sleeping on the couch or in the bed. I came home it was the first time I came home I didn't feel like I was home anymore all the lights were off and the dogs and her were upstairs. So I told her I can keep doing this anymore I'm moving in with my mom until the lease was up. She said it's like we're stuck here and we're pretending and I said I'm not stuck here and I'm not pretending.
So I moved in with my mom for a month, I was getting messages from her saying she missed me she wanted to hang out then we would make plans and she would say oh I don't know if we should hang out or I might say I want to hang out with that I might change my mind I just don't know if we should. It was back and forth. One night I went there and talk to her and said I know I broke up with you and she interrupted me and said technically you broke up with me but I was checked out a while ago.
That set me off I went home that night to my mom's and came back that morning grab my mattress and the couch pulled it outside so she can no longer sleep on it or sit on the couch. I did a lot of reactive thinking and impulsive thinking and didn't think before I acted. I also felt like if I would have kept being civil I would have been put on the back burner and had false hope. What really was the burning of the bridge was when I probably knew that I shouldn't have downloaded tinder. It was actually the app that we met on and I downloaded it wondering if she was on there and sure enough I saw her on there and it upset me and I reacted once again and texted her. And then it cause a series of back and forth arguments and then I just sent a text and burn the bridge I won't repeat what I said but this was almost 3 weeks ago.
I'm not normally the type of person to do these things but I just felt like I was driven up a wall and it was so long and drawn-out. I just wasn't sure how it would have been if I kept acting civil and her dating other guys but keeping me on the back burner and me not knowing about it. either way it's been a tough few months a lot has been going on if you took the time to read this thank you I still haven't drank. It's been hard though. I know time will heal wounds and things will get better I just feel like the way I ended things made it a little bit harder to move on quickly but at the same time maybe it didn't because if I would have ended them nicely I feel like maybe we would still be talking and I would still be holding on to those feelings of Hope.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
It's weird lonely and sometimes depressing being alone now and almost being 30 years old. I work in the restaurant business and most of my friends drink and smoke so I try not to be around them when I'm not clocked in.
Part of recovery is growth and moving forward with healthy relationships.
Besides not drinking, what does your recovery plan look like?
Part of recovery is growth and moving forward with healthy relationships.
Besides not drinking, what does your recovery plan look like?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
Sometimes it's necessary to burn the bridge to save ourselves more pain or prevent being used in a moment of emotional weakness. There's the saying I like; "I don't just burn bridges, I drain the lake,fill it with concrete and build a shopping mall on that bltch!"...
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Toronto
Posts: 3,195
You are not even 30 yet. You have plenty if time to get married and have kids in the future. Your ex doesn't seem like someone you would live happily ever after with. You dodged a bullet! Cut all contact and move on!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 674
There's a difference between being alone and being lonely.
In the book "Rebuilding" by Bruce Fisher he claims that when relationships end it's a great time - and perhaps necessary - to rebuild block by block until you reach the point of being capable and ok with being alone. He says it's at that point you are ready for a healthy relationship again.
We boozers have a tendency to normalize dysfunctional behavior. That is to say, we attract and live with dysfunctional behavior and it never, not one bit, ever dawns on us that it's not normal.
May be a good time to rebuild a bit and take stock of what you want from a relationship? Don't sweat being 30. There's plenty of time yet...
Best to you-
B
In the book "Rebuilding" by Bruce Fisher he claims that when relationships end it's a great time - and perhaps necessary - to rebuild block by block until you reach the point of being capable and ok with being alone. He says it's at that point you are ready for a healthy relationship again.
We boozers have a tendency to normalize dysfunctional behavior. That is to say, we attract and live with dysfunctional behavior and it never, not one bit, ever dawns on us that it's not normal.
May be a good time to rebuild a bit and take stock of what you want from a relationship? Don't sweat being 30. There's plenty of time yet...
Best to you-
B
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,443
Not all loves are forever and sounds like this was one of them Brad.
When I was in unhealthy relationships I'd end up acting unhealthily too - tit for tat, points scoring, reactive behaviour. That's not the real me, or the me I want to be.
I hope your next relationship is a healthy one...when I found a healthy relationship, I started acting in healthy ways.
congrats on your sober time too
D
When I was in unhealthy relationships I'd end up acting unhealthily too - tit for tat, points scoring, reactive behaviour. That's not the real me, or the me I want to be.
I hope your next relationship is a healthy one...when I found a healthy relationship, I started acting in healthy ways.
congrats on your sober time too
D
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
Originally Posted by Buckley3 
We boozers have a tendency to normalize dysfunctional behavior. That is to say, we attract and live with dysfunctional behavior and it never, not one bit, ever dawns on us that it's not normal.
May be a good time to rebuild a bit and take stock of what you want from a relationship? Don't sweat being 30. There's plenty of time yet...
Best to you-
B
May be a good time to rebuild a bit and take stock of what you want from a relationship? Don't sweat being 30. There's plenty of time yet...
Best to you-
B
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Dover, New Hampshire
Posts: 105
Originally Posted by Gilmer
I'm sorry that your emotions have been run so ragged, but take heart. The girl sounds highly unstable (and not just because she's on antidepressants!).
I think you've dodged a bullet.
I think you've dodged a bullet.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Dover, New Hampshire
Posts: 105
Originally Posted by Mango212
It's weird lonely and sometimes depressing being alone now and almost being 30 years old. I work in the restaurant business and most of my friends drink and smoke so I try not to be around them when I'm not clocked in.
Part of recovery is growth and moving forward with healthy relationships.
Besides not drinking, what does your recovery plan look like?
Part of recovery is growth and moving forward with healthy relationships.
Besides not drinking, what does your recovery plan look like?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Dover, New Hampshire
Posts: 105
Originally Posted by DontRemember
Sometimes it's necessary to burn the bridge to save ourselves more pain or prevent being used in a moment of emotional weakness. There's the saying I like; "I don't just burn bridges, I drain the lake,fill it with concrete and build a shopping mall on that bltch!"...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Dover, New Hampshire
Posts: 105
Originally Posted by Wastinglife
You are not even 30 yet. You have plenty if time to get married and have kids in the future. Your ex doesn't seem like someone you would live happily ever after with. You dodged a bullet! Cut all contact and move on!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Dover, New Hampshire
Posts: 105
Originally Posted by Buckley3
There's a difference between being alone and being lonely.
In the book "Rebuilding" by Bruce Fisher he claims that when relationships end it's a great time - and perhaps necessary - to rebuild block by block until you reach the point of being capable and ok with being alone. He says it's at that point you are ready for a healthy relationship again.
We boozers have a tendency to normalize dysfunctional behavior. That is to say, we attract and live with dysfunctional behavior and it never, not one bit, ever dawns on us that it's not normal.
May be a good time to rebuild a bit and take stock of what you want from a relationship? Don't sweat being 30. There's plenty of time yet...
Best to you-
B
In the book "Rebuilding" by Bruce Fisher he claims that when relationships end it's a great time - and perhaps necessary - to rebuild block by block until you reach the point of being capable and ok with being alone. He says it's at that point you are ready for a healthy relationship again.
We boozers have a tendency to normalize dysfunctional behavior. That is to say, we attract and live with dysfunctional behavior and it never, not one bit, ever dawns on us that it's not normal.
May be a good time to rebuild a bit and take stock of what you want from a relationship? Don't sweat being 30. There's plenty of time yet...
Best to you-
B
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Dover, New Hampshire
Posts: 105
Originally Posted by Dee74
Not all loves are forever and sounds like this was one of them Brad.
When I was in unhealthy relationships I'd end up acting unhealthily too - tit for tat, points scoring, reactive behaviour. That's not the real me, or the me I want to be.
I hope your next relationship is a healthy one...when I found a healthy relationship, I started acting in healthy ways.
congrats on your sober time too
D
When I was in unhealthy relationships I'd end up acting unhealthily too - tit for tat, points scoring, reactive behaviour. That's not the real me, or the me I want to be.
I hope your next relationship is a healthy one...when I found a healthy relationship, I started acting in healthy ways.
congrats on your sober time too
D
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Colorado
Posts: 390
I got divorced around your age, but under different circumstances, as I was drinking, but I'm glad you're looking at this from a mature perspective.
I'm 41; single, with a roommate. Once I cleaned up for a few months, I started dating again, but it's been a bit tricky with my college-bachelor lifestyle. I simply never grew out of it because of my drinking, and perhaps a bit due to my upbringing. In any case, I feel like I need to get my life in order before considering a relationship. The flings and short-term relationships are hollow and feel empty to me. Also, my long term relationships sometimes stem from flings, and they have yet to work out from my experience. I am curious about a sober relationship with someone, however; I've never been in one, so I hope to find someone who abstains or rarely drinks... In time.
Seems like you have things put together well and moving forward. Keep the sauce away, work hard, play hard, and usually good things happen.
I'm 41; single, with a roommate. Once I cleaned up for a few months, I started dating again, but it's been a bit tricky with my college-bachelor lifestyle. I simply never grew out of it because of my drinking, and perhaps a bit due to my upbringing. In any case, I feel like I need to get my life in order before considering a relationship. The flings and short-term relationships are hollow and feel empty to me. Also, my long term relationships sometimes stem from flings, and they have yet to work out from my experience. I am curious about a sober relationship with someone, however; I've never been in one, so I hope to find someone who abstains or rarely drinks... In time.
Seems like you have things put together well and moving forward. Keep the sauce away, work hard, play hard, and usually good things happen.
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Join Date: Oct 2018
Posts: 131
Originally Posted by Brad41989
This couldn't be more accurate. I think this is one of the toughest test in my life right now and God is showing me I need to be alone because I was with two different partners the last 9 years of my life and didn't debt focus on myself and was used to the attention. Now Im completely turned around 180 degrees and almost feel lost but trying to stay positive. The normalizing dysfunctional behavior is true I let her push my buttons because she knew how to. What I want in a relationship is someone who is interested in taking care of there health which she wasn't. I tried to get her to eat healthy and go to the gym but it was like pulling teeth.
"By 'loneliness' Arendt did not simply mean solitude, in which-as she points out-you have your own self for consolation. In the solitude of our minds, we engage in an internal dialogue. We speak in two voices. It is this internal dialogue that allows us to achieve independent and creative thought-to way strong competing imperatives against each other. You engage in it every time you grapple with a moral dilemma. Every clash of interests, every instance of human difference evokes it. True though, for Arendt, the ability to put ourselves in someone else's shoes. True loneliness, therefore, was the opposite. It involved the abrupt halting of this internal dialogue: 'the loss of one's own self' - or rather, the loss of trust in oneself as the partner of one's thoughts. True loneliness means being cut off from a sense of human commonality and therefore conscience. You are left adrift in a sea of insecurity and ambiguity, with no way of navigating the storms".
That assessment is as close to what conventional language can to explain the nature of a completely abstract state, even as common language is designed for such ambiguities, lol. I have included the link for anyone interested; it is about much more than the existential self, but hey....if you're inclined.
https://aeon.co/essays/loneliness-is...-and-extremism
And :edit: I was attempting to quote Brad quoting Buckley
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