letsdance

So here i am starting a journal. I think i need to do a journal because i cant seem to stay accountable, i feel this may help me somehow. Guess we will see.

A little background (just in case anyone reads this boring journal)

I am 37 and been a binge drinker for a long time, since i was 17 actually. It started out as just drinking on the weekend and only 1 day then when i met my now husband it went to wednesdays and fridays. He was and is a big drinker. He drank much more than me and i think we were and are a bad influence on eachother. As time went on our drinking got worse. We had great times and many bad times. My drinking has caused me to be unfaithful and do stupid stupid things! He can be mean when he drinks too. We have a 9 yr old and for the most part we seem normal, but at night we drink and drink way to much and too often. Our marriage is on the rocks and im lost. I havent been able to really do anything with my life and i blame drinking. I have NO clarity.

Anna

Welcome back, and I hope that you are ready to stop drinking. There is no question that drinking takes over our lives and usually makes a mess of everything. Journaling is a good tool to help with recovery, and you will find lots of support here.

Fearlessat50

Starting a journal and coming here often is a great idea to get support and stay accountable. For me I’ve found the best path was to completely stop drinking rather than moderate. I am so much happier and healthier.

least

Welcome back! I hope our support can help you get sober for good.

letsdance

Thank you all I appreciate it. So far so good. I did think about drinking on day 2 but i pushed it out of my mind. Its crossed my mind today. I wish it wouldn't but i cant stop it. I worked yesterday and was so tired all day. Even when i got home i was so tired. I hate when i feel like a zombie all day. My first thought was that I better drink. I always drank when i felt that way. Drinking always seemed to get me going. Yeah, too bad it always took me down as well. Its not worth it for the couple hours of get up and go, is it? I dont think so. After two hours i would have probably started getting sad like i always do when i drink then started a fight with my husband, then i would have went to be crying. Wow not fun! But im struggling. Im going through old photos today. My mom gave me all her old photos years ago and i also have my own. I am starighting them out but seem to be getting lost on old times. Its fun but also is making me feel nostalgia, and i get that thought about how nice it would be to drink and have fun like i used to in those old photos. I need to understand its not like that anymore. It is not fun anymore. Thats over.

CaptainHaddock

letsdance, congratulations on day 2. I think you have said it right there. The moment you accept that that was “the old you” and from now on you don’t drink anymore, that’s when you can start making REAL progress.

Dee74

Welcome back letsdance
Have you thought about how you might stay sober - the nuts and bolts?

D

letsdance

No, I havent and obviously thats a bad thing as i drank last night. I caved. What can i do to stay sober? I really dont want to do AA.

letsdance

I drank. last night. I am mess. been crying all morning. I want so badly to stop. What can i do?

Sunflower79

Your story is exactly like my story. My husband and I were both really heavy drinkers and we met in our early 20s. Today he is still heavy drinker and I’ve been sober for about nine months. It took me three years to get these 9 months. When I was drinking I did many awful things and I wasn’t a very good person. What helped me was to go to AA, get a sponsor and work the steps. I’ve made some amazing friends there and they help me to stay accountable. I like who I am today.

Please never give up. We are here for you 💕

DontRemember

Therapy,court ordered AA and here has helped get/kept me sober for well over a year( I don't count days) close to two maybe now. I no longer attend AA or therapy,but I now know they're there if needed and there's nothing to be affraid of or any shame in one seeking to get help/better themselves.

Dee74

A recovery action plan is a necessity I think. without a plan you're just winging it and if your only solution winging it is a bottle...it's a fait accompli.

What an action plan might mean for you is of course up to you but there's some good ideas to start you off here

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ery-plans.html (Psst...wanna know why I'm always recommending recovery plans?)

get some support and strategy - make some changes - you can do this

D

letsdance

Day 3 here. Doing pretty well. Still dont have a plan but know i need one as the thought crossed my mind to drink. But i been cooking alot these last 3 days to stay busy. Seems to help a little.

Fearlessat50

Hi Letsdance, when you started this journal, is this your first attempt to quit? Relapse is fairly common in the beginning. Congrats on day 3. For me, it took about 3 years of trying to quit and several relapses before I made it to 1 year and 9 months sober - where I’m at now. I’m not sure why but it seems that once we recognize there’s a problem and want to quit, it becomes harder to quit and often the problem gets worse as it progresses. Alcoholism is a disease and it’s progressive. In the beginning I thought that just by sheer will power and wanting to quit, I would be able to. But drinking through all of life’s ups and downs over a long period of time becomes not just a habit but it changes brain chemistry too. I had to completely change my way of life and thinking and create new habits for every situation which previously triggered me to drink. I didn’t go to AA though I know it helps so many. What I did do is therapy, met with my doctor to discuss medication and supplements to help with anxiety and depression as a result of stopping drinking and other life stressors, yoga and meditation. And I come here daily and plan to continue no matter how many days I have sober. I also started going through the 12 steps on my own online and it has really helped. I’ve read a lot of books on alcoholism to educate myself too. What I am trying to say is that a long term plan doesn’t have to be the same for everyone, but a plan that works for you is. important. I wish i had thought of that sooner in my recovery. I know you can do this!

Delilah1

Welcome back, and congrats on Day three. The link Dee posted is a wonderful resource. I joined here in 2012, and spent three years alternating between periods of sobriety, and failed attempts at moderation.

Finally, on December 31, 2015 I was done, I took my last sip of alcohol and that little Dee voice in my head that kept asking "What's your plan?" Finally spoke loud enough for me to listen to.

I still read and post here daily, I enjoy supporting others, and it also supports me in my recovery. I have found mindfulness to be a huge part of my plan, staying focused in the present is truly the only thing I have complete control over. Exercise, particularly walking outdoors is also a part of my plan.

You can do this one day at a time. Start with a plan for the night, then tomorrow, and then spend some time looking at Dee's link and reading on here to see what might work best for you.

Looking forward to celebrating your sober time with you.