dearsobriety

hey guys! The first time I wrote on here, I was 5 days sober... Struggling with terrible withdrawal. Any symptom you can have, I believe I had it. Today I write to you 5.5 months sober! Never in a million years would I think I could make it this far. I don't miss the hangovers, the blackouts, the anxiety of wondering what I did or said the night before, the worry of if I have enough alcohol to get me through the weekend without having to find a way to sneak to the store and hide another bottle in my closet. It's amazing to be free from that. However, it still makes me a little sad sometimes at social events with alcohol. I always find me catching myself when someone offers me a drink... I'm so used to saying "yes! And keep them coming!" It just comes natural... Even though I don't want to drink, my brain always thinks to say yes for a split second out of habit but I always catch myself and say no thank you, just water for me. The strangest thing happens to me too when I use mouthwash... You know how you pour some in the cap then put it in your mouth to swish it around? It ALWAYS gives me the feeling of taking a shot. It's a weird trigger. It doesn't necessarily bother me, just makes me think "wow, I used to drink so much that pouring mouthwash in your mouth out off a cap reminds you of taking shots out of a shot glass". I, by no means, have any intention of breaking my sobriety as the pros overwhelmingly beat the cons. All of my withdrawal symptoms are gone... I had extremely bad neuropathy in my feet, legs and right side of my face for months that would come and go but are completely gone now. I've learned how to enjoy life again and laugh FOR REAL again. I've learned to find my voice and stand up for myself without needing a shot of liquid courage before having uncomfortable conversations. I do miss the social aspect of drinking though and knowing I can never enjoy a glass of wine with dinner or a few drinks with friends ever again is saddening. I still feel shame that I drank so much in the past that this is where I have ended up at only 31 years old. I have an amazing support group who loves me and accepts me for who I am. However, I also have those people in my life who still like to shame me or look at me as worthless and weak because of my struggles (aka my in-laws). I'm learning to distance myself from them and not give them the power to take me down when they, themselves are alcoholics. I am just finding it extremely hard to think positively about myself when I still have people trying to bring me down or are waiting for me to fail. Despite the fact that I almost have 6 months under my belt... The longest I have ever gone being sober since I first started drinking... They still treat me as if I am some fragile, diseased person they can't get to close to as if they will "catch my sickness". It's infuriating being talked down to and hear the condescending tone in their voice when they talk to me as if they are better than me. I know it's impossible to get everyone to like you and be proud of you, but must I be punished for my past mistakes forever? It's hard not to beat myself up when I have others doing that for me. I won't let this stop me or deter my sobriety, but has anyone else gone through this? How do you deal with the guilt when you are actively striving to do better everyday, but others won't let you forget about your past?

ScottFromWI

Congrats dearsobriety, 6 months sober is a heck of an acheivment!

Regarding the naysayers, unfortunately they will always exist. Distancing yourself from them is a good idea, if they are active alcoholics they will likely not understand no matter what. Remember that you have the power to change your life and make things better, and you are doing a fantastic job of it. You cannot change others though, so sometimes you just have to set boundaries to protect you.

Lorax1981

Great job on 5.5 months. That’s major! Keep it up :-)

Nonsensical

It took me a lot of practice to be able to manage my reactions, but it is SO SO worth it!
I started with being mindful of my language. Instead of "It is infuriating..." (which makes it seem like I am a passive victim of the circumstance) I changed it to "I become infuriated when..."
Later I changed it to "I choose to become infuriated when..."
That made it easier to change and make different choices if I don't want to feel fury.

Congrats on 6 months!

Best of Luck on Your Journey!

yinzer

Awesome job, dearsobriety! Ignore the in-laws. Some people will be negative on you no matter what. Detach from them and concentrate on the things you can control. You are doing great!

FlawedNFntastic

Your 5.5 months sober is a mountain you have climbed that your in-laws couldn't even SEE. You have strength you didn't know you had and that your naysayers will never understand. We understand what you've accomplished and how strong you are and I hope you do too.

Well done, congratulations, wow, you're amazing, and keep climbing!

PhoenixJ

Irony- I was to/fro messaging with my bro - a lot of hurt and anger. With it comes guilt. I do try every day to be a better human. Guilt turns to remorse- not negative. It takes a lot of sharing- at meetings, here, psychologist, addiction counsellor, journal writing and being utterly honest with myself.

Support to you.

August252015

Great job! Keeping sober and growing in my new life is the only way I found to be the person I want to be. Others like my family who had the worst of it with me is have come around and trusted me in time- it took longer than 6 months thohgh! And I have done my best to accept that it really only matters what I do, and what I know to be true about me.

Keep going!

Mango212

Curious -- is it no-alcohol mouthwash?

Loved one thought it was really inconceivable that mouthwash would be drank for it's alcohol content, yet he did that, too.

Congratulations on your recovery!