Fearlessat50

I am starting to talk to my son about alcohol and drugs. Maybe it’s early but he’s a tweener and things sure are starting early in this generation. So I figure it’s never too early to start.

How many of you were educated about drugs and alcohol growing up? Were you told if you had a family history? If you weren’t informed, do you think it would have made a difference in your development of alcoholism had things been better explained? Or perhaps if your parents had been better role models?

So far I’ve already told my son addiction and alcoholism specifically runs in the family. People on both sides have died from alcoholism (or it was a contributing cause). We’ve talked about joblessness and homelessness and that sometimes alcoholism is connected with this. I’ve told him alcohol destroys brain cells, lives, etc. And I’ve told him that he will someday in the near future experience peer pressure and see some friends or people he knows take a wrong turn. I told him we hope he never even tries alcohol or drugs, and to always do what is right for him despite what his friends might think. He knows we will keep having this discussion.

Many of my mom friends have taken the position that kids are going to try it (just like we did) so to just make sure they don’t drink and drive or get in a car with a drunk person. I feel this is not explaining enough and that it sends the wrong message. Like it’s ok to get smashed as long as you don’t drive.

Thanks for any thoughts on this.

D122y

Fearless,

I told my son all I know about booze and addiction.

I left nothing out.

He is 15 and claims to have never had any drug in his body.

I believe him and hope he never tries anything.

I told him there are people all over that have proudly never poisoned their body with drugs or booze.

I told him he is currently not addicted to anything and to keep it that way.

Booze and drugs will destroy his life.

He is very mature. More mature than me in my 20.s.

I was addicted to booze when I was 5 years old. My Dad didn't know any better.

He thought it was funny seeing me drunk sometimes.

I know that it was child abuse and he could have been locked up for it, but those were different times.

I try to tell my son everything I can. That is what i consider my main jobs as a Dad.

Thanks.

Jim1958

Do whatever you can. I got no education, my father had a drinking problem, I went to college in the 70s and nobody ever heard of rehab. Explain things to your kids and let them know there is a lot more information today than there used to be. Best wishes.

OpioPhobe

I can't claim ignorance. I was forewarned by my father. He explained that alcoholism ran in the family, that he had it, and his father before him had it. I remember him specifically saying "If you ever listen to me about anything in your life listen to me now. Your life will be infinitely better if you don't drink."

I obviously didn't heed the warning. I thought alcoholism/addiction was just weakness of character, and I thought I was stronger than my father. It seemed inconceivable that a substance could have power over me.

My daughter is 8 and I have already had discussions with her. I try to give her more realistic scenarios that might come up (e.g. her friends start drinking and don't suffer any major consequences at first...a boy she likes is a drinker, etc). I told her that if she is smarter than me that she will heed the warning.

Will any of my talks make a difference? They might...they might not. Time will tell. Either way...she was forewarned just like I was.

TeeJayVerm

Pfft... I grew up in Wisconsin... drinking was celebrated and treated very casually. Even to this day, my underage daughter's uncles make jokes to them about stealing my beer.

My uncle was a raging alcoholic but nobody told me. I think I must have been 16 when I found out... and I had to figure it out on my own. My grandmother hid his habit from her grandchildren for whatever reason... but I do remember seeing her taking drinks out of the fridge before he came to visit.

Your second to last paragraph really resonated with me... because my extended family treats drinking so casually that it makes me angry... almost to the point that they undermine what we are trying to teach our kids. (Fortunately, it appears that my kids are above all of that nonsense their uncles tell them.)

In terms of my habit, yes, I drank too much and trying to reconcile that with my family. However, it was never anything I condoned or encouraged for them. Ultimately, if they drink alcohol (and my college age daughter has), I warn them of the dangers of the habit... such as what happens when you drink too much in one sitting and how progressive the habit can be for a lot of people, including myself.

Regarding drugs, I think I had to learn about them from my peers and television commercials. I don't remember any discussion about that.... or smoking which my parents treated really casually. (I am the only sibling who has never taken up the habit... both brothers have quit but my sister still smokes.)

TeeJayVerm

In other words, I have a lot of resentment about how I was raised as a child.

It extends beyond my issues with alcohol. Specifically, how I have had to battle depression and anxiety since my early teenage years.

MindfulMan

My father was an extremely controlled drinker. He had rules, the old rules that people of his time followed. Never drink on an empty stomach, never drink before 6pm, never have a drink after dinner. He drank Scotch nearly every night that I knew him, he would have one strong and one weak drink. Never had more than 3 at a party or a social event. My mother would also have two drinks of Scotch. There wasn't a lot of feeling going on in our house after 6pm. I knew how to mix their drinks the way they liked them by the time I was 8 or 9.

My maternal grandmother was, thank God, a teetotaler. However, she was severely bipolar and had shock treatments in the early 60s, among other things. She was always referred to as "a mess." Her husband rarely if ever drank as well. She was the youngest of 10, and 4 of her brothers were severe alcoholics who died from it, but I didn't find out about this until my 30s.

My paternal grandmother died before I was born, and my paternal grandfather died when I was 3. One of my earliest memories was going to his house after the funeral and looking and looking at his stuff that my mom and my aunt were dividing up and getting ready to sell the house. Both of them were moderately heavy drinkers, not sure if it crossed the line into alcoholism. He was a Russian Jew and she was an Irish Catholic. I always got the impression that he could take it or leave it, not nearly as sure about my grandmother, and again, I never really knew them. My grandfather made bathtub gin during the depression and they'd have parties in international waters in boats. I still have their monogrammed sterling silver mint julep glasses. My father's brother suffered from severe depression for his whole life. Both my father and his brother were chain smokers. My grandmother had a cousin that used to come stay with us and mutter and curse to herself. Shortly after she died of alcoholic malnutrition when I was about 12, this was shared with me. My father's brother had three sons, the oldest was a raging benzo and barbituate addict (along with a lot of acid...it was the 60s) and his youngest was so addicted to cocaine that he doesn't remember huge chunks of his life.

What helped me eventually was realizing that my maternal grandmother was bipolar, not a depressive as she was diagnosed (bipolar disorder was seen as a "man's disease" through the 60s, and they never addressed it). When I had my first terrifying mixed episode, I put two and two together for both her and myself.

For the most part most of my family also treated drinking casually, because most of my family were not alcoholics. My mother and her siblings were not alcoholics, and neither were their parents, and I had far more contact with that side of the family.


If I had kids they'd get all of this, in great detail including my own struggles, plus the history of whomever their genetic mother would be if I knew it. I'm not going to have kids though, never wanted them, and I'd need to jump through some massive hoops with a surrogate to have actual genetic kids.

Fearlessat50

D122, that’s so crazy about your Dad giving you booze at 5! Come to think of it, I recall old heavy drinking friends of ours giving their 4 year old son sips of wine at dinner and saying “we’re going to do this to European way. If they start drinking early and only with meals and in moderation, they’ll never have a problem.” I can’t quite get the image out of my mind. Thank you for your story, and educating your son.

Fearlessat50

Thank you all for your responses. Times sure have changed. It seems that drinking, especially binge drinking, has become a bigger problem with youth. But there’s also more education and more resources and I’m grateful for that. I had no education about all this from my folks growing up. I feel it might have made a difference. Then again, as Opio said, it might not have. I will still do my part to explain everything to my son.

entropy1964

You son is a tween? So 11-12? Did he know about your drinking?

I ask because I think the conversation is quite a different one if he knew and/or was affected by your addiction.

biminiblue

I grew up in the sixties and seventies in Florida, land o' drugs at that time.

Everybody drank and did drugs - or so it seemed. My parents both drank; my dad pretty heavily. I remember being given a beer by my dad before I was six. Not sure what age. My dad died at age 41 - drinking related. My mother remarried a hard drinker. She drank all her life, not sure how much but I know it was daily. She also took benzos for as long as I can remember.

I had way too much alone time growing up. Latchkey kid, no family within 1200 miles other than mom. I was an only child.

All this to say the conditions were a perfect storm. Yes, I am compulsive but is that nature or nurture? Yes I got involved with all the wrong things, but again I think it was destined to happen given my young years.

I didn't listen to much of what my mother told me about drugs (she tried to warn me) because I thought she was hypocritical. Do as I say, not as I do, ya know? In my case my strong Will and rebellion won out. She did try to control my every thought, even those which were healthy coping behaviors - which isn't going to end well with any strong-willed kid.

I went looking for "family" and found it with the party crowd: you know, those people who were like my parents only my age. It took me a very long time to understand all this and to withdraw from the party crowd.

I wish you well with your kid(s).

Fly N Buy

Kids emulate what surrounds them. Healthy environments with structure and content are foundational. My kids are grown now. Around the age you speak of I was very upfront with them and the fact that alcoholism ran in the family on both sides.

Today pot is such a huge issue. We have become so blase regarding it's use it's the new scourge. It destroys lives for many; underachievement, isolation, denial etc are just a few of this drugs "harmless" qualities. I speak from experience.

I found being very frank with all issues with my kids was the best path. This included my history and issues. They need to have the real facts and proper support to make good choices based on knowledge. At least then they have a fighting chance.

Lot's of hugs, love and engagement with never turning a blind eye and calling them on their BS. Judgement center is not totally form till well into their 20's.

Cascabel

I was born in the latter years of the great depression. My earliest memories were of my mother running a boarding house for women working in the local aircraft factories. My father was in the Navy. Kids were raised differently in those days. My brother and I spent a lot of time with unsupervised activities. Kids kind of raised themselves.

My mom worked hard and any “supervised time” my brother and I spent was with my mother’s parents. Both of them were “problem drinkers” to say the least and they were my earliest introduction to alcohol. In those days, that is just the way it was.

After the war was over and my father was home we would have family gatherings on weekends. These were basically drinking sessions. The family would gather together about noon on Saturday or Sunday, get out the bourbon, fire up the cigarettes and proceed to get blasted. In those days, that is just the way it was.

We had neighbors who didn’t drink: religious reasons I think. My folks thought they were strange so I did too.

We eventually moved away from the family center in southern California and settled it the Pacific Northwest. The weekend family gatherings ended but my parents continued the drinking tradition. My father, especially, would be pretty much drunk every evening. In those days, that is just the way it was.

For some reason, I didn’t start drinking in any significant way until I was in my mid thirties. I had a young son about that time. I never felt called to talk with him about drinking; it just didn’t seem to be an important issue. That is just the way it was.

When I started drinking more than my family was comfortable with they said so and so I quit; for over 30 years. I think it was then that my son learned that alcohol was not entirely for the good. I don’t recall any serious conversations with him about it though.

I’m now in my eighties, I had another struggle with alcohol when I was in my mid-seventies.

My son is nearing fifty. He drinks but only as an accompaniment to meals. He is a real fan of good eating. I certainly can’t claim any personal credit for his moderate drinking but I am glad that he’s managed to dodge my struggles.

Children are raised much more aggressively these days than in the past. In my opinion there is good and bad to the trend. I think that hovering parents are not helping their children; kids need to learn the taste of failure and pain.

I do think that talks with, especially, teenagers need to consider the needs of the youngster more than they do the needs of the parents. Young people know about alcohol: probably not with complete accuracy though. If they have questions, you need to answer them objectively. But, I don’t think it is necessary to have forced conversations about drinking simply to make you feel better.

Fearlessat50

Thank you for asking, Frick. He is 11. I am not sure his level of awareness about my drinking. It was almost 2 years ago. At a young age, he was dealing with a lot of his own issues. He’s been diagnosed with various mental health conditions. One problem he had was anger and rage without much in the way of triggers. He would have 2 hour+ long crazy tantrums on a daily basis. From there, I’d start drinking in isolation. There was no way to calm him. He didn’t see me pouring drinks. I’d drink alone and be pretty drunk by the time his dad got home. But I was very good most of the time hiding being drunk (at least I think) Even his dad didn’t know how bad I was (until I told him why I was quitting). With therapy and medication, things have settled with my son. I think he will probably put two and two together when he’s older and realize that my erratic behavior was due to drinking. I think it’s best as others have said to just be honest with him about my own struggle? We haven’t gotten there quite yet. I also realize I need to talk to him about the connection between mental illness and alcohol. We haven’t discussed his formal diagnoses with him yet. I think it’s time.

Fearlessat50

It is helpful reading each of your stories and insights. Thank you for making me think about this issue. I definitely get that regardless of what is discussed, the actions on the parents part has to match the words. One small challenge is that his Dad does drink (wine and beer). But he is a responsible drinker and maybe drinks only once or twice a week (1-2 each sitting). To be clear, alcoholism runs on both sides of MY family, not so much on my husbands side. Though his mom was a heavy drinker, not sure if she’d be called an alcoholic.