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making a contract

Old 10-02-2018, 07:44 AM
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making a contract

Hello everyone! I recently contacted an intervention program to help me confront my husband, who I believe is definitely still drinking though he claims not to be.
I told my husband that I have secured insurance approval for inpatient treatment, and in the alternative, I have made a list of daily beginner meetings. He is adamant that he is not drinking and refuses inpatient. So, I told him that he has one week to show me that he can commit to daily meetings, a home meeting, and getting a sponsor, and that we will re-visit whether or not I believe inpatient is the only way.
The intervention specialist suggested that I put something in writing, a contract, for him to sign, agreeing to the terms. Has anyone ever done this? I don't really know how to begin.
Thank you!
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Old 10-02-2018, 08:18 AM
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Welcome,

If someone came at me like this I would totally drink at them and most likely drink more!

I hope that is not the case with your husband, but I think most alcoholics would do this, it is how our brains work.

Someone has to WANT to be sober for THEMSELVES, not because they are being forced into something or sobriety will never work.
I know, I tried for years to get sober for my partner, never worked until I choose to be sober for ME!

I would suggest some Alanon meetings for you

Blessings,
DC
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Old 10-02-2018, 08:34 AM
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No way no how is this appropriate AT ALL.

I know it was a popular TV show, but people like to see a train wreck. And it supported the gazillion dollar rehab industry.

This is not your child.

Your husband is a grown man

You need Al-anon or CODA.

What you are attempting to do is dyfunctional and will not work
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Old 10-02-2018, 08:38 AM
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Thank you. But he says he wants nothing more but to be sober and stay that way. He just says he wants to do it HIS way. He did inpatient rehab three years ago, and intensive outpatient for 9 months following. Since then he has sporadically attended meetings, but has never secured a sponsor. he was fired in February because they suspected he was drinking on the job, (which is what got him sent to rehab in the first place) He claims that he IS sober. I just know that his behavior tells a different story. Sitting by and letting him do it "his way" which is on his own, and without help, has resulted in nothing more than relapses that he doesn't admit to until I find out some other way, and a lost job.
I am trying to keep our family together, by giving him other options.
As I said, he CLAIMS to be sober. Yet he's never admitted to a relapse, however, his inpatient stint was almost 4 years ago, and when asked, he'll say he hasn't drank since January.
I don't know that the written contract will change anything, but the interventionist thinks it would be beneficial.
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Old 10-02-2018, 08:47 AM
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You have to let him do it his way.

You are in for a long road. You need al- anon.

What you are doing, attempting to install safe guards and stop gaps, have NEVER worked.

He will resent you. He will drink. He needs to do this himself or not at all.

Your options are to accept him for who he is or divorce him

Even if he was working a program, its HIS program

You cannot run another persons life, alcoholic or not.

Alanon or coda
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Old 10-02-2018, 08:48 AM
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Step back and allow your husband to take care of his recovery. You can't control him no matter how much you want to.
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Old 10-02-2018, 08:52 AM
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Welcome angelchase. Denial of the problem is almost universal with most alcoholics, and it sounds like your husband is deep into it. Not sure how a written contract would be helpful if he won't even acknowledge that he's drinking in the first place. I know that when I was drinking I would have signed anything just to get people off my back with no intention of quitting at all.
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Old 10-02-2018, 08:52 AM
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Mirco-managing sounds super exhausting.
Please just find help for you and let him do his thing. Maybe you both could use some counseling, separate and together.

Also,
There is a Family and Friends section of this forum, you may find that helpful as well. Take a read around for others in a similar situation as you.
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Old 10-02-2018, 08:55 AM
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well. I guess I'll just say thank you and leave it at that. since neither of those are acceptable options to me.
If I kick him out, not only does he have no place to go, but my children lose their father and I lose my husband, because without getting help, he will die.
If I sit back, and let him doe it "his way" he eventually loses yet another job, and once again, I'm left wondering how I'm going to afford a mortgage and all the bills.
so thank you to those who responded.
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Old 10-02-2018, 08:55 AM
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This is the Friends & Families Forum:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
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Old 10-02-2018, 08:56 AM
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No one could stop me from drinking, but me. Unless your husband wants to get sober, no contract, rehab or interventionist will work.

I would look into Al-anon for support.

My heart goes out to you.
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Old 10-02-2018, 09:04 AM
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Angela, i applaud you asking for what you need from him. the chances of him "complying" are slim if he is drinking, and whether something is written or not is unlikely to make a difference there.
it is true that it is his journey and needs to be his "program", but since you are with him, it affects yours and setting your boundaries and sticking to them is more than sensible. it is the only way to not get sucked down the drain with him.
it is great he wants nothing more than to be sober....but there will b the times he wants nothing more than drink, and whether something is written down, signed, sealed and delivered will make no difference.
i do not know that you need Alanon, but surely checking it out and talking with folks there will be helpful in you deciding whether it will be helpful to you.
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Old 10-02-2018, 09:05 AM
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As Opivotal said, do check out AlAnon in your city as a support for you.

I'm sorry for your situation.
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Old 10-02-2018, 09:06 AM
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I guess I should make myself more clear, not that it will change the responses.

I'm not asking him to stop drinking, as he is adamant that he's already not drinking.

I'm asking him to participate in active recovery so that he doesn't doom himself to relapse, and so he can find pride in his sobriety, instead of being angry and resentful about it.
The idea of the contract was simply to have him agree that if he declined to go to regular meetings, after a week's time, that he would accept that inpatient rehab would be the only other option.
Whether he is drinking or not, is not really the issue. It's that he hasn't made any efforts to help himself actually "Recover" he's simply not drinking.
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Old 10-02-2018, 09:09 AM
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Oh, and I have attended several al anon meetings...but I have to say the mentality I got from it, of either leave or let it be, is not an option for me. I don't believe in it. Just like if he had cancer and decided that he wasn't going to accept treatment, I'd exhaust myself trying to convince him otherwise so he'd give himself a fighting chance. I chose him as my partner, and will never abandon that commitment. However, I think he, and I both deserve to be happy. and right now, neither of us are.
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Old 10-02-2018, 09:11 AM
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Again, you cant manipulate or cajole or threaten anyone into recovery

If you check out the forum link to friends and families you will see that what you are attempting has been tried by wives for a very long time. It has always failed.

It always will until your husband decides its something he wants for himself
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Old 10-02-2018, 09:11 AM
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I understand your frustration, Angela. You want your husband sign a contract to say he would go to inpatient recovery if he declined regular meetings. Your husband would still have to be the one to make inpatient rehab work, and it wouldn't be easy if he didn't want to be there.
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Old 10-02-2018, 09:17 AM
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We can not control others. No matter how bad we want to.

Iím afraid youíre in for a lot of effort and likely disappointment. Your effort may be better placed in accepting your husband as he is until he decides to change. That focuses on you and what you actually hold power/control over. Just a thought.

I hope you find peace and that your husband finds sobriety.
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Old 10-02-2018, 09:21 AM
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I agree hat this is a terrible idea and one that will almost sure lead to "failure" and heartbreak. If he says he isn't drinking and you are certain he then there is already failure.

I know it isn't what you want to hear, nor was it for my parents who watched me nearly kill myself, but you simply can't do it for him.

With more job loss, more devastation,you will get to choose one thing: whether to stay, or not.

Best to you for getting support for yourself.
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Old 10-02-2018, 09:40 AM
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Originally Posted by Angelachase View Post
I chose him as my partner, and will never abandon that commitment. However, I think he, and I both deserve to be happy. and right now, neither of us are.
We can certainly choose our partners, but we also choose everything that goes along with them. So you will have to also accept the possibility that he will not seek active recovery, ever. Unfortunately there are more addicts and alcoholics that don't get better than those that do - so you have to be willing to accept that fact. And that there is no way you can force your will on him, even though what you seek for him is likely the best possible outcome.
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