He said He moves in with me or he’s moving on
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Location: Where I’ve longed to be all my life…..here, now.
Posts: 7,338
Thanks fini! I appreciate the support.
Some of my friends who have never experienced this, it’s not easy for them to see how difficult it is to see the abuse and manipulation from the inside. I think any smart intelligent person can get sucked into the gradual suffocation of a manipulative persons grasps.
Kind of like alcohol. Fun at first, then......deadly.
I think that’s why turning outside myself for help is essential in healing.
I feel relief, and I am looking to make a lot of changes in my life to support my Sobriety.
Actually, it feels empowering and good also.
Some of my friends who have never experienced this, it’s not easy for them to see how difficult it is to see the abuse and manipulation from the inside. I think any smart intelligent person can get sucked into the gradual suffocation of a manipulative persons grasps.
Kind of like alcohol. Fun at first, then......deadly.
I think that’s why turning outside myself for help is essential in healing.
I feel relief, and I am looking to make a lot of changes in my life to support my Sobriety.
Actually, it feels empowering and good also.
Giving up is NOT an option.
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Western Wisconsin
Posts: 7,808
gradual suffocation of a manipulative persons grasps
That's exactly what it is. These kinds of abusers are masters of the gradual suffocation. They tear you down, then apologize and promise to never do it again. They behave for a while. You believe they have turned a corner. Then it starts up again, and sometimes it's worse than ever, but they get you to believe they are working on changing. Along the way, there's damage to your self-esteem. And in my case, I was nearly convinced his behavior was actually all MY FAULT. If I were different, he wouldn't act that way. I was rewarded for acting more like he wanted me to, but it wasn't me. I could go on and on, but you get the idea. This is ABUSE, plain and simple. There was no hitting, but it was abuse just the same. I am still triggered sometimes - my therapist thinks I have some PTSD from that marriage.
That's exactly what it is. These kinds of abusers are masters of the gradual suffocation. They tear you down, then apologize and promise to never do it again. They behave for a while. You believe they have turned a corner. Then it starts up again, and sometimes it's worse than ever, but they get you to believe they are working on changing. Along the way, there's damage to your self-esteem. And in my case, I was nearly convinced his behavior was actually all MY FAULT. If I were different, he wouldn't act that way. I was rewarded for acting more like he wanted me to, but it wasn't me. I could go on and on, but you get the idea. This is ABUSE, plain and simple. There was no hitting, but it was abuse just the same. I am still triggered sometimes - my therapist thinks I have some PTSD from that marriage.
Guest
Join Date: May 2016
Location: Australia
Posts: 1,802
The tears are normal and part if the grieving process.It may take a couple of months but you will be back to your normal self faster than you think. I rarely even think of my ex now. And that's.in less than 6 months. Sending you a virtual hug.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Location: Where I’ve longed to be all my life…..here, now.
Posts: 7,338
I posted this elsewhere—thought it appropriate here:
-—————————-
Today was much more manageable. I did cry a few times but those two or three times that I did cry were very limited and I was able to keep my composure or regain it fairly quickly.
I think allowing myself to feel such deep sad emotions without self anesthetizing with booze was a very amazing yet very horrific experience .
I begin my morning with several things to do, choosing where to find a place to get my daughters oil leaking BMWs oil changed, to calling the prison in Minnesota and finding out about my daughter. Her public mug shot was terrible. That’s what a few months of homelessness does to you, along with drinking and drugging.
I worked at figuring out what part of everything was “mine“, and also only tackling a few tasks at a time. Thank you very much it was great advice. I did not dive into the river and drown today.🏊🏼*♀️😬
After calling several people at the prison and trying to figure out things, I was able to talk to her probation officer about the fact that she needs to be in a place that promotes mental health or in a Traumatic brain injury facility—not on the streets with 5°F temperatures and not in a prison where she will probably die .😰
My son is having a get together with a bunch of friends downstairs, and him being on the “spectrum“ makes it that much more special. He went from not talking at all as a young child to stuttering terribly to hardly ever talking to anyone and now he’s very social. Very blessed . He is proud to be here in my home.😀
His twin sister is adorable, mature, and sensitive. She is absolutely wonderful as well.😇
I have been trespassed against. I have allowed it. 😳😶And I think reciting the Lords prayer is on my agenda for tonight because that is a very good idea to say every day, I agree. 🙏🏼
A person from my past—re-entered Into my life—— “a safe person“ told me that I am a wonderful person and that the people I need to surround myself with should also treat me that way.
And I just want to thank everyone here for treating me that way .
I am grateful for all of you.
-—————————-
Today was much more manageable. I did cry a few times but those two or three times that I did cry were very limited and I was able to keep my composure or regain it fairly quickly.
I think allowing myself to feel such deep sad emotions without self anesthetizing with booze was a very amazing yet very horrific experience .
I begin my morning with several things to do, choosing where to find a place to get my daughters oil leaking BMWs oil changed, to calling the prison in Minnesota and finding out about my daughter. Her public mug shot was terrible. That’s what a few months of homelessness does to you, along with drinking and drugging.
I worked at figuring out what part of everything was “mine“, and also only tackling a few tasks at a time. Thank you very much it was great advice. I did not dive into the river and drown today.🏊🏼*♀️😬
After calling several people at the prison and trying to figure out things, I was able to talk to her probation officer about the fact that she needs to be in a place that promotes mental health or in a Traumatic brain injury facility—not on the streets with 5°F temperatures and not in a prison where she will probably die .😰
My son is having a get together with a bunch of friends downstairs, and him being on the “spectrum“ makes it that much more special. He went from not talking at all as a young child to stuttering terribly to hardly ever talking to anyone and now he’s very social. Very blessed . He is proud to be here in my home.😀
His twin sister is adorable, mature, and sensitive. She is absolutely wonderful as well.😇
I have been trespassed against. I have allowed it. 😳😶And I think reciting the Lords prayer is on my agenda for tonight because that is a very good idea to say every day, I agree. 🙏🏼
A person from my past—re-entered Into my life—— “a safe person“ told me that I am a wonderful person and that the people I need to surround myself with should also treat me that way.
And I just want to thank everyone here for treating me that way .
I am grateful for all of you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Location: Where I’ve longed to be all my life…..here, now.
Posts: 7,338
Update—-
Things are going well. EXABF came over a couple weeks ago to bring some stuff over. I suspected since the stuff was really lame, there was an ulterior motive. He offered me to go out to lunch and I did. When we got back he made some excuse to see something in my Bedroom. You know I’m going with this.
He said he wanted to have sex with me and how sexy I was blah blah blah blah blah. I asked him how many dates he’s been on. I asked him what online dating places he’s on. And I started to cry.
I couldn’t believe he was asking me to have sex with him. I said I can’t. That chapter is over.
I certainly wanted us to be something that we weren’t. I certainly wanted him to be something that he’s not. But that’s not reality. And my new strength, I noticed that as I cried, he remained calm. He said he’s not lying, he’s looking for someone who can be his partner, but didn’t we just have great sex during our relationship?
I told him that I am only monogamous and when I make love with someone it is for that, not just to have sex. That I cannot have sex with him. It was amazing that when about five minutes of laying on my bed and discussing this at all of a sudden he needed to leave. I am so glad now that he asked me and that I saw again his behavior that is so harmful… Manipulation and self serving behavior.
On the way out the garage he asked for some shelving back that he gave me and placed to organize my things. WTF
oh yeah. So glad to be done.
Things are going well. EXABF came over a couple weeks ago to bring some stuff over. I suspected since the stuff was really lame, there was an ulterior motive. He offered me to go out to lunch and I did. When we got back he made some excuse to see something in my Bedroom. You know I’m going with this.
He said he wanted to have sex with me and how sexy I was blah blah blah blah blah. I asked him how many dates he’s been on. I asked him what online dating places he’s on. And I started to cry.
I couldn’t believe he was asking me to have sex with him. I said I can’t. That chapter is over.
I certainly wanted us to be something that we weren’t. I certainly wanted him to be something that he’s not. But that’s not reality. And my new strength, I noticed that as I cried, he remained calm. He said he’s not lying, he’s looking for someone who can be his partner, but didn’t we just have great sex during our relationship?
I told him that I am only monogamous and when I make love with someone it is for that, not just to have sex. That I cannot have sex with him. It was amazing that when about five minutes of laying on my bed and discussing this at all of a sudden he needed to leave. I am so glad now that he asked me and that I saw again his behavior that is so harmful… Manipulation and self serving behavior.
On the way out the garage he asked for some shelving back that he gave me and placed to organize my things. WTF
oh yeah. So glad to be done.
Ocean Lover!
Join Date: Apr 2018
Location: You know nothing Jon Snow - UK
Posts: 2,604
Well done free! Now is when you need to muster a lot of strength and kindness for yourself. Had a very similar but different situation myself and when I finally found to strength to say ‘no’ and stick to it I became so angry. I could totally see through the manipulation and it made me vengeful and angry at him, angry at myself for not seeing what was so obvious all that time etc.
Don’t be like me, be proud and grateful and move on. xx
Don’t be like me, be proud and grateful and move on. xx
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Location: Where I’ve longed to be all my life…..here, now.
Posts: 7,338
Thanks my friends. I do miss the good parts of him.
I’m FREAKED about moving four weeks from TODAY
And excited
So many great things are happening. A part of that is because of my positive attitude, part of that is because of emotional growth… Only possible through my newfound sobriety (8 months new).
Eight months ago I never would have dreamed that I could escape from the chains of a manipulative man, nor be free from my addiction.
My SR family has helped me so much and I thank all of you.
I’m FREAKED about moving four weeks from TODAY
And excited
So many great things are happening. A part of that is because of my positive attitude, part of that is because of emotional growth… Only possible through my newfound sobriety (8 months new).
Eight months ago I never would have dreamed that I could escape from the chains of a manipulative man, nor be free from my addiction.
My SR family has helped me so much and I thank all of you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
Originally Posted by Free2bme888 
Thanks my friends. I do miss the good parts of him.
I’m FREAKED about moving four weeks from TODAY
And excited
So many great things are happening. A part of that is because of my positive attitude, part of that is because of emotional growth… Only possible through my newfound sobriety (8 months new).
Eight months ago I never would have dreamed that I could escape from the chains of a manipulative man, nor be free from my addiction.
My SR family has helped me so much and I thank all of you.
I’m FREAKED about moving four weeks from TODAY
And excited
So many great things are happening. A part of that is because of my positive attitude, part of that is because of emotional growth… Only possible through my newfound sobriety (8 months new).
Eight months ago I never would have dreamed that I could escape from the chains of a manipulative man, nor be free from my addiction.
My SR family has helped me so much and I thank all of you.
https://www.sparefoot.com/self-stora...ing-companies/
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Location: Where I’ve longed to be all my life…..here, now.
Posts: 7,338
Originally Posted by DontRemember
Hire a moving company like these and have them drop his 'shelves' off after they finish your move.
https://www.sparefoot.com/self-stora...ing-companies/
https://www.sparefoot.com/self-stora...ing-companies/
Thanks DR
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Join Date: May 2018
Location: Where I’ve longed to be all my life…..here, now.
Posts: 7,338
Update
Ex ABF text me shortly after my last post here,
“Hi Honey,
I really need the gladiator organizer I gave you back that I put in your garage so I can organize more of my stuff. I figure you have no use for it anymore “”
OMG 😮
So I replied “this is awkward“ told him about all of the things he given me that he asked for a back that I gave him back. Told him about all of the things that he gave me that I offered him back. I told him you know the thing is, when you give somebody something, it’s actually their‘s. It’s really not OK for asking things back .
I looked up “Indian giver“ and I texted him the screenshot
“You already asked this of me before. And I responded that I wanted to keep it“ “and I do have use for it and using it as part of the selling point in my home“ “so it really doesn’t matter whether I have use for it or not in your mind. It was a gift and I’m keeping it“
His response. “Never mind, Laura“
Wow…… It’s just what I needed to FINALLY confirm the manipulation and to finally rid myself of my fantasy of what I wish him to be but what he is not.
AMEN 🙏🏼
And thank you again ex ABF so that I can move along in my life with anticipation
😊
Ex ABF text me shortly after my last post here,
“Hi Honey,
I really need the gladiator organizer I gave you back that I put in your garage so I can organize more of my stuff. I figure you have no use for it anymore “”
OMG 😮
So I replied “this is awkward“ told him about all of the things he given me that he asked for a back that I gave him back. Told him about all of the things that he gave me that I offered him back. I told him you know the thing is, when you give somebody something, it’s actually their‘s. It’s really not OK for asking things back .
I looked up “Indian giver“ and I texted him the screenshot
“You already asked this of me before. And I responded that I wanted to keep it“ “and I do have use for it and using it as part of the selling point in my home“ “so it really doesn’t matter whether I have use for it or not in your mind. It was a gift and I’m keeping it“
His response. “Never mind, Laura“
Wow…… It’s just what I needed to FINALLY confirm the manipulation and to finally rid myself of my fantasy of what I wish him to be but what he is not.
AMEN 🙏🏼
And thank you again ex ABF so that I can move along in my life with anticipation
😊
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
Maybe block his number to cut all contact or this could go on for years 
My spouse 's ex is currently harrassing him for some items and they have been apart 7 years. some people are just strange and cant/wont move on.
My spouse 's ex is currently harrassing him for some items and they have been apart 7 years. some people are just strange and cant/wont move on.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
My ex wanted a lamp back.
I told him no.
He said, "Any court in the world would tell you to give it back."
I said, "Get a lawyer for your $30 lamp."
They just want to yank our chains or find a reason to see us face to face. You know, because they're so irresistible in person that we'll capitulate once we see them. Or you might let him in your bedroom to lie on the bed and "talk" again. Eventually...
#ChainsUnyankable
I told him no.
He said, "Any court in the world would tell you to give it back."
I said, "Get a lawyer for your $30 lamp."
They just want to yank our chains or find a reason to see us face to face. You know, because they're so irresistible in person that we'll capitulate once we see them. Or you might let him in your bedroom to lie on the bed and "talk" again. Eventually...
#ChainsUnyankable
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,426
When they keep showing their true colors, it gets easier and easier to believe them, doesn't it?
Well done on saying no--time to block his number and get on with your new life.
There really is nothing more to say, is there?
Congrats on your sobriety, new job, and move Free--you earned every bit of it!
Well done on saying no--time to block his number and get on with your new life.
There really is nothing more to say, is there?
Congrats on your sobriety, new job, and move Free--you earned every bit of it!
Giving up is NOT an option.
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Western Wisconsin
Posts: 7,808
I was pretty much going to say what Bim already said. It's not about the shelves. It's about wanting to still have some sort of control. And an excuse to see you in person, because he knows your vulnerabilities and figures he can exploit them in person better than over the phone or by text. Good for you for holding your ground!
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