Free2bme888

Update

I still have been dating him, but today I’m finally going to have that financial discussion with him.

He keeps wondering why I don’t trust him, and last year we were supposed to buy a home together each mortgage part of the home, but for some reason he never did show up with his paperwork for approval. He kept telling me oh I have it at home or something like that.

Last January it’s slipped out that he would never be able to get a mortgage since he’s on disability and doesn’t have an income. I was absolutely crushed I have my suspicions confirmed . Basically what that means, is that he had me move me and my children out of my home three months after I hurt my neck in a car accident and intended for me to just buy a home with me as the primary mortgage holder and him just on the title. I made it crystal clear that that is not what I would want even back then.

So today, when he asked me when we will talk later tonight what we talk about and I said I still want to see those papers and approval that he said he had. Or basically he had me move and we were supposed to have me on the mortgage holder and him just move in with us not what I wanted in the first place .

I also wanted to discuss the $2000 a month he had me pay him last year for 12 weeks, for half of his bed for half of one of his closet and for two twin beds for six weeks. At the time he said $1250 was for his mortgage half of his mortgage payment and the other $850 was supposedly half of the living costs including food electricity and heat.

I told him today that was wrong of him to charge me that and it was wrong of me to pay that but it happened. I said technically if you get $1100 a month in equity for $2500 a month mortgage payment, you oh me $550 per month equity credit which is $1650.

Today he denies that he ever told me that he would mortgage half the home with me. Today he denies that I ever paid him that money although I have proof. Today he denies that he ever charge me that much for half the mortgage, and says it $2000 a month included all of the fees he paid upfront for my moving in my storage. I have proof that I paid all of that back as he tried to get me to financially colapse last year in October when I ended up moving into this very large home by myself .

Thank you for letting me vent

if you’ve read this far I would welcome any type of feedback and strength that you can give me so that I can please deal with this very different person that I love so much.😬

I need some hints about how to keep on track with a manipulative person as we are having our discussion tonight.

Thanks SR family.

saoutchik

Not easy to give advice but based on what you have posted he doesn't sound like a caring partner or significant other. Don't make any more payments to him either. Giving up drinking is hard enough without that added stress.

suki44883

I have to admit, my mouth dropped when I read about all the money he expected, and got, from you. Then again, when I read about him denying all the arrangements the two of you made regarding buying a house.

It sounds to me like he is just looking for someone to mooch off of and at this point, you are that person. I'm not sure what kind of hold he has on you, but this man is not someone who is relationship material. He's only out for what he can get and has told you as much.

You deserve more than this, but you won't get it from this guy.

Primativo

Not really what you want to hear but....dump him and run a mile.

You are dating a compulsive liar who deceives you regularly.

JScatt

So basically you have no intention on leaving him/ending the relationship you just need advice on how to live with a freeloader?

Free2bme888

Thanks. Just getting more black and white facts from my computer through emails and photographs of payments made. Seems to me that manipulative people try to gas light you and make things out like they never happened .

He always pride himself on being able to “see the opportunities“ in other people.

Currently he is attaching himself to a wealthy friend hoping that he can ride on his coattails .

I can just never imagine doing that to someone, nor relying on someone like that because I’ve always had to take care of myself.

This man has many positive attributes, he cooks, he cleans, he’s great in bed, but there’s that underlying gnawing feeling that he’s just not right.

I think one of the biggest issues besides those facts that when I bring it up —when I say, “so a few months after my neck injury you have me move out and you knew you were supposed to get a mortgage together, and it turns out you just wanted to attach to my mortgage —so I moved for nothing!” His response is “why do you keep bringing all of the stuff that’s in the past up?” “Why do you keep harboring all of this anger?”

I guess it’s that ‘ Switcheroo -change the subject -get the heat off of me -strategy ‘

I oddly feel calm and I also feel like throwing up because my nerves are on end.

Finalround

This IS the same thread that earlier you were changing the locks on your house and security codes because of this man?
I'm a bit confused. Even just reading today's post, I see nothing but warning signs.
The number 1 cause of strain on a marriage is finances. And you're not even married to him?

Maudcat

That’s a pretty common tactic, Free.
Make it seem like you are unreasonably holding a grudge and holding on to anger.
Imo, some men will do this to women because, often, we are conflicted in our own minds about emotions like anger.
I was taught that women don’t get angry or loud, and I know I’m not the only one who got that message growing up.
I would not give him another cent, and I would also cut my losses regarding the money you have already given him, unless you are taking legal means to get some of it back.

MantaLady

“If you are constantly trying to prove your worth to someone you have already forgotten your value”

There is someone better out there for you Free and while you are letting him stay around you are putting a blocker between you and love and respect you deserve.

My advice...get rid, no conversion tonight, stop trying to get evidence to prove you are correct. It’s a waste of your precious time and energy. xx

Free2bme888

You know what I would really like to do?

This is the perfect scenario:

Have this discussion with him. Have him apologize for wrongdoing to me. And have him give me the $1650 credit. Then I can go on blindly thinking that he is a changed man and be happy ever after 😍😬😳

Most likely he will not apologize and will argue and defend all of his actions despite black-and-white facts. And that case, I can just take the loss of paying his U-verse bill that is a contract he talked me into putting under my name.

And he can just pay for the phones that he got me and my daughter. He currently pays and has a contact under his name for me and my daughter phones and for our service through AT&T for the next 15 months . I guess he could always return them or sell them and cut us off, but I can get my own service anyway.

I don’t know if I have to end my dating relationship with them at this point but I certainly want this financial discussion cleared up.

Is it my imagination, or isn’t he the one that keeps building the miss trust,

suki44883

Well, that is certainly your decision to make, but I think you are just too close to the situation to see just what a sleaze this guy really is. There are a lot of good guys out there who clean, cook, and are fantastic in bed, but who would also have the respect for you this guy doesn't.

Red78

It appears to me from what you have said that he is a complete narcissistic gaslighter.. He is psychologically abusing you and then blaming you for being upset..
This will never change and if you don't get out now who knows how deep in it will get for you in the future..
Run and don't look back...

2ndhandrose

"but there’s that underlying gnawing feeling that he’s just not right."

Free, your gut doesn't lie.

This person does not have your best interests at heart, not even a little bit.

I hope you find the courage to really break Free.

Maudcat

He does seem like a terrible moocher, Free.
If you keep dating him, I think you can expect more of the same.
Some people are just wired that way.

getright15

Just got caught up with reading everything. We all know its not easy to just "leave" after being with someone for a while. Look at it this way though. You don't have any ties together (kids, house, bank accounts, etc) so this is the perfect opportunity for you to start focusing on yourself and your kids.

Free2bme888

Thanks everyone for the positive and empowering responses.

He was hemming and Hawing and so I decided with him that we would cancel tonight and do our financial discussion tomorrow while my kids are at school. They don’t need to hear this type of discussion.

It is so difficult to see the manipulation when you are in it, when you are emotionally abused. It helps to put it in writing and bounce things off all you here.

I pray that my God guide me in protecting His child tomorrow and for all the days of my life.

ReadyAtLast

See I'm looking at this the other way round. If I was with a man for 3.5 years and he didn't want to get married or live together or commit in any way then I would know he really just wasn't that serious about me or into me, as they say.

So switching this round, it's clear you're not that into him and don't want to take your relationship to the next level when he obviously does. My question is why on earth are you wasting your time and life with him?

Of course it's ok to have casual friendship/relationship for years, if that is what both people want. If you're on the same page that's great.

I also read in astonishment how the last thing you said was that you were changing your locks and moving on (rightly so imo as this man is clearly abusive and scary) Yet now you continue to date him despite alarm bells ringing all over.

If it's so casual then financial stuff shouldn't even be relevant.

So many alarm bells in your post it's scary

zoobadger

I'll add my voice to the chorus recommending that you break things off with him.

I'd also recommend reading the "How it Works" chapter from the Big Book which talks about the repudiation of "self-will." The idea that you should set aside willfulness sounds counter-intuitive since your BF is obviously very willful and selfish; he's the issue here, not you.

But here's the thing: as unfair as it is, you can't "fix, manage, and control" him. Your efforts to bend him to your will won't succeed and will be a constant source of frustration, which is not good for your serenity and your sobriety.

This passage, in particular, is food for thought: "....we are almost always in collision with something or somebody, even though our motives are good. Most people try to live by self-propulsion. Each person is like an actor who wants to run the whole show; is forever trying to arrange the lights, the ballet, the scenery and the rest of the players in his own way. If his arrangements would only stay put, if only people would do as he wished, the show would be great."


It sucks, but you have two choices: you can accept him largely as he is, content to manage his behavior on the margins, or you can part company with him altogether. But his will is his own, and trying to bend it to your needs and preferences won't work in practical terms and will likely pose barriers to your emotional well-being and sobriety.

DriGuy

I just noticed this thread and read all the way through. Then I went back to page 1 to see when it all started. It's two months now. Toward the end of the thread, things seemed to start getting more complicated. I was expecting a happy ending. Please! I want a happy ending. You deserve a happy ending, too.

Free2bme888

Thanks zoo and dri! Zoo, i’m going to add your post to my ‘SR wisdom’ folder and reflect.

Lots of reflecting to do, and so appreciate everyone’s feedback.

Sometimes I hate being one of those people that trusts everyone and thinks everyone has everyone’s best interest in mind. It’s just not always true 😞