Joycernbw

I’m desperate to help my alcoholic sister. I have yet to find an alanon meeting but my sister is out of control. I want to find a rehab that takes Medicare and bring her there but my husband insists that she has to want help and she clearly doesn’t. She spends $30-50 a day at liquor store and is about to be evicted. How can I just abandon her? She has no children and no significant other. She is 65.

Dandelion12

Im kind of new and struggling, and there are many more knowledgable people here but I felt compelled to reply because I know for myself I was SO unable to help myself and things had spiraled on me so quickly I was unable to help myself.

I needed help.

Yes your sister has to accept it and I dont know if maybe you offered and she declined? But while you should not enable I
think an offer to assist her in getting help and "flying right" whenever she chooses to accept it is a loving action.

Anna

I'm very sorry about your situation with your sister.

Your husband is right. You cannot make your sister recover. Recovery is very hard and she must want to do it herself, for herself.

AlAnon for you, as a support, is a great idea, so I hope you can find a meeting.

SparkleKitty

It seems quite counter-intuitive, but the very best thing we can do when the alcoholics in our lives are out of control is to take care of ourselves.

Maintain your boundaries. Do not do for her what she can and should be doing for herself. Until she is ready to quit, there is nothing you can do or say that will change her mind.

Maudcat

This is so hard, and I am very sorry.
I know well what it is like to see someone killing themselves with alcohol.
You can tell her you love her and you are there for her when she wants to become sober, and mean it.
The rest is up to her.
We can’t love people into sobriety.
I wish we could.

Dandelion12

All I know is if my sister had come to me and offered help I would have jumped at the chance.

At the time I believed no one gave a d*mn, which of course kept me self destructing.

I thought I had to be "strong", so I kept drinking like a dummy.

Alcohol is such a deceptive liar

DreamCatcher17

Have you asked her if she wants help?
Tried an intervention?

least

I hope your sister accepts your offer of help and decides to get sober for herself.

Dee74

Some good advice here. It all hinges on whether your sister is ready for change - if not there's probably no rehab or programme that will get her to that point.

i hope you follow up alanon tho - thats a great idea

D

Jim1958

I have had the same situation with a life long friend. I tried to gently talk him into going to a doctor, cutting back, etc. His family did an intervention but he was back to drinking in a month. Finally another friend told him flat out to go to rehab again. But no luck. I think the person has to want help and want to change. If you think it will work, perhaps an intervention? I don't know, it is a difficult situation and I wish you the best.

Kachal

I do agree with others above that she needs to want help, but in my case, it was the concern of someone close to me that finally woke me up and got me to quit. You don't mention if you have talked to her about her drinking. She could be like I was, thinking that she is hiding it very well. Even more so if she doesn't have a partner or children and lives alone. Just knowing someone cares is a powerful motivator.

Mango212

Salvation Army offers rehab programs:

https://satruck.org/Home/NationalRehabilitation

I agree with you and your husband. Talk to her. Make the offer to help. Understand she may not want help. Listen to her actions rather than words.

Seriously wanting to quit brings about opportunities to do so, like the saying, "when the student is ready, the teacher appears."

Once you've offered, trust her to take care of her own life. If you really have concerns beyond that, perhaps reach out to professionals who specialize with addiction.

Joycernbw

Yes I have tried multiple times to help but I think I go too far and start doing everything for her. Then she just sits back and continues to drink and lie while I manage her life. So this time I am waiting for her to hit bottom and I feel guilty about it.

Dandelion12

If shes like me she simply doesnt know any other way to be.

She doesnt know there is a different, BETTER way to live where she would be happier.

I say this only because some dont know any other way to cope without a bottle.

For myelf at least I was not stupid, lazy, or a user. I wasnt coping with anxiety and was genuinely trying to stabilize myself, not make myself usless or a burden.

Alcohol has more than likely beat her down on every level.

Please remember that she is a SICK person, not an evil person.

Im so sorry anyone has to go through this.

You are both going through a great deal.

atalose

Witnessing the self-destruction and suffering by someone you love is one of the most heartbreaking things to face in this life. And naturally you want to help, jump in and save them, pull them out of the drowning cyclone and get them on shore. But with addiction, you can do all of those things over and over again and very often witness them walk right back into that water.

Your husband is correct, you cannot help someone who is unwilling to help themselves. This is where we tend to lose part of our own sanity by continuing to try to change another human being.

This is where al-anon, therapy, and learning as much as you can about alcoholism can be very beneficial to you.

Eddiebuckle

In some cases, 'helping' only shelters the person from the consequences of their choices, which allows the problem to go on that much longer.

If you feel she doesn't know this already, it may be worth telling her how concerned you are and that should she want to get help you will be there for her. The rest is out of your control, which is where Al Anon comes in play.

Mango212

Is there an Alanon meeting in driving distance today?

I put a lot of miles on getting to Alanon meetings, going to Recovery weekends and meeting with my sponsor.

The drive time became filled with music, alone time with my Higher Power, and after some time, 12 step speaker recordings/podcasts.

All good things that keep getting better.