ebecker1982

Hi. First-time poster.

I always was of the mentality of "I'm not the addict. She's the addict." For 9 years now I've watched her grow. And retreat. And be clean. And be in obvious active addiction. I've held her through urges and searched for her in binges. I did a prison sentence....not because I was in prison, but because she was. I once penned "she's been on the yard and I've been doing time," meaning that she was getting high in there while I was out here suffering the reality that I was alone and couldn't stop her.

I finally broke with this most recent relapse...although I guess (and I know this forum is not for debate, but this is more my own internal musing about my own situation) in some ways it's hard to call it relapse because I have a difficult time really feeling that she's put an effort into recovery. There's being sober (not under the influence) and then there's sobriety (active recovery) in my mind....if that makes any sense....and to me, she's been sober but she's never, in the past 9 years, had sobriety.

She got caught in one lie. And I watched it cascade. I watched lie after lie tumble out into view, as if a dam had broken. I watched her family lose whatever small amount of trust they had developed with her. I reached a point where I couldn't trust her myself.

So I started going to NarAnon. I'm not sure if it's for me, although the people are welcoming and the stories are relatable and I like it enough, so I'm going to keep going. What I do know is, hearing a recent speaker, checking things off the list....I realized how angry she'd made me.

I went because when the previous torrent of lies came out, I found myself walking down a street at 2 a.m. looking for a wallet she said she left on the hood of a friend's car. I use the word "friend" loosely here....you get the idea. I remember thinking "what am I doing?" This was no longer about HER needing help. This was now about ME needing help. I had that realization, walking down Topanga Canyon Boulevard in Woodland Hills (a neighborhood in the City of Los Angeles for those who aren't familiar), walking past homeless people including a man who passed out on the sidewalk using the curb between the sidewalk and a gas station as a pillow (ouch, right?) with an empty 40 by his side....."it's not just something wrong with her. What am I doing? Why am I out here trying to make up for something stupid she did? There's something wrong with ME!"

My breaking point.

Addiction isn't just for the addict. It's for the enabler too. Sometimes we do it willingly and sometimes we do it unwittingly, but we do it. We become addicted to their addiction and their drama. Like a co-dependency, I guess, although I don't know that CODA would do me any good. I'm trying this first.

This past Saturday, we were supposed to go to a baseball game. She got in the car when I picked her up and demanded I take her to a friend's house first. An addict friend's.

I told her that she could come to the game with me or she could walk, but I was not going to take her and whatever the decision she made was would be her's alone and that I wouldn't own it for her this time. The conversation was longer than that, but I'm going to spare the details for the moment. We pulled into a gas station. She got out. She walked away. And I went to the ballgame without her and saw friends and had a good time and realized...she chose meth. And I chose me.

I don't know if I'm strong enough to make that choice every time. I don't know if I'm strong enough to not be her enabler. I don't know if I've got the guts to walk away forever if that's what it comes down to. But I know I can't live like this anymore. And that's why I found NarAnon. And that's why I'm here.

I'm Eric. And I'm addicted to an addict.

Thanks for reading.

doggonecarl

Sorry for what brings you here, ebecker. But knowing you need help puts you in a better position than so many other whose posts read, "How can I help my addict."

They don't realize how far they have yet to go. At least you are trying to help the one person you can--YOU!

DreamCatcher17

Welcome!
I am so glad you came to that realization for yourself, now you can heal and maybe move on?

Blessings,
DC

ebecker1982

Thank you, and if I'm reading your signature line right, you just had a birthday so to speak. 1 year (plus one day.) Happy Birthday.

least

Welcome to the family Eric! We also have forums for friends and family of addicts and alcoholics. You might find them helpful.

Jules714

CoDependency is an addiction. It's not merely enabling sometimes. You are good to seek help for yourself.
Jules

ebecker1982

Thank you, least. I have found those. Thank you for the reference.

I'm a bit familiar with how sites like this work as I am actually a moderator on PTO (Prison Talk) and have been a member over there for years and this message board appears to be, in essence, a more mature/modern version of what we work with over there. I notice your name color is different. Does this indicate that you are some sort of moderator/admin?

-Eric

Dee74

Hi and welcome Eric

Forum staff have 3 tiers _ least is a Greeter, I'm an Forum Leader or Moderator (solid navy blue) and our Administrators are Italic blue.

you can approach any of us with a problem but I hope you won;t find any here

welcome aboard

D

Hevyn

It's so good to meet you, Eric. I'm sorry for all the pain you've experienced.

I've been on both sides of this thing & was once a really, really excellent enabler. I didn't even know what that word meant back then - but I thought I was being the best wife ever to protect him from consequences. I'm glad you found NarAnon. Sounds like it's helped you a lot. SR is an encouraging, friendly place - hope you'll keep posting.

Delilah1

Welcome Eric!!!