Hawking22

I feel utterly cursed in the business of finding a steward in this recovery journey. I've never had good luck with finding quality available sponsors since first seeking recovery over 2 and a half years ago. Since seeking a sponsor in late July of this year, I have again struck out. I found not 1, but 1 pink unicorns (seemingly). I wanted what they have, they had proper sober time, they had been through the steps, they had sponsors, we hit it off, etc. And they just don't make our engagements, or don't text me or call me back for three days, and just end up ghosting me. Not playing well for my fear of abandonment and fear of rejection ("seriously, what the hell is wrong with me?").

Last week, I shared this in a women's meeting and a kind woman said a lot of my struggles most likely are a result of me not having a sponsor, and she would hold my hand until I found one. We had plans to meet the next day at a meeting, but I gravely underestimated how long an appointment downtown would take me and asked if we could reschedule for a meeting later that afternoon or another day. She told me to immediately leave the meeting and get my ass over there. I was a little shocked by such a bold command from who was essentially a stranger and politely told her I wouldn't make it. I really did feel terrible but it wasn't like I was sitting on the couch and "didn't feel like it"; I was handling my unemployment insurance appeal. She hasn't talked to me since. Now I feel like I failed some massive test, and my reputation supersedes me.

I either can't track these girls down or don't jump and drop everything on command apparently. I feel like a man without a country and I know I would greatly improve my success with some sponsorship. Could my SR family please share some tips on how to move forward and give me some pointers about how to "court and attract" a sponsor? Thank you!

August252015

Hi Hawking,
Sounds extremely frustrating.

To comment just on your last person (and I am assuming that the man with out a country comment was just the expression and you are a woman looking for a woman sponsor)- I know sponsors who are very strict in a one strike you are out sense. Sounds like maybe that is how this woman operates. To her point. Being absolutely committed to a program is generally a critical and appropriate criteria a sponsee needs to demonstrate. How we, the sponsors, assess that varies. Also, keep in mind that most sponsors experiences the majority of their sponsors relapsing and/or leaving the program entirely.

A temporary sponsor is a great idea to try again.

I also think that a sponsor shouldn't require courting - those of us who understand the program, have enough sobriety (a year is the "requirement" around here- I am 2.5 yrs sober and was told how great I would.p be as a sponsor by many, but I only felt ready earlier this year). I respond to peop,e who ask, find out their place in time and commitment to sobriety and go from there. I lay out my expectations - meetin, phone, text, starting with the first164p of the BB, 90/90 and such) and work from my ESH. I also understand that some people might want to change from me to another sponsor, like I did after doing step 3 with my first sponsor.

Perhaps looki g at different meetings? I found a different makeup of different groups. My fist sponsor was from the big clubhouse where I started and was great for me at the start, especially about discipline about contact with her and most important to me the morning program work I started and still do every single day..
Y current sponsor was more in line with my spirit of the law application of the steps- I know them well and even have a decent quotation and reference of the BB but I do believe that working the program beyond that is about making it work for your own life.

I hope some of that helps. Looking for sober friends for support and consultation can be useful always, and perhaps something more quickly achievable. If you haven't started working the steps at all. It would definitely be important to get that official sponsor, I do think.

Hawking22

Thank you, August! That was a very helpful perspective from the other side. I think I'm going to target more women's meetings specifically, which I rarely go to. There are a couple that are close to my home even that I avoid because I let one bad apple spoil the bunch, and didn't even try and get to know the other women. I really appreciate the response, thank you!

August252015

Glad my post full of typos and other errors made enough sense to be helpful! I have been using an iPad for awhile and really need a keyboard.

OpioPhobe

I found my sponsor around the 60 day mark and have been with him ever since. That wasn't because I did anything to court and attract him though. We met at a small meeting and I asked him to sponsor me after the meeting. It wasn't something I put a lot of thought and effort into. I am not saying that is a good way to go about it, but it isn't a marriage. Maybe it was just my higher power looking out for me.

I kept the vast majority of my appointments with my sponsor, but I wasn't perfect. For the first few meetings I had with him I was always puntcual. Other times I completely forgot about an appointment with him. There were times when he made mistakes and missed appointments with me. If someone says they never ever missed and appointment with their sponsor or ever had to reschedule I would call BS. Things like that are going to happen.

As far as your other sponsors go, what exactly do you mean by ghosting? I expect my sponsees to reach out to me and keep the process moving. I will check in with them sometimes if I know them well and they dropped contact out of the blue. Other times I get busy with things and forget. Were you texting / calling and getting no contact back? If that is the case then you might have just picked the wrong ones. If you stopped contacting them though, I could see them not trying to keep up the contact.

Not sure if this helps, but thought I would share.