Resentments only intensifying
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Join Date: Dec 2017
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Resentments only intensifying
During my 4th and 5th step I really didn't have a lot of resentments. I thought this was a little weird, and in doing my 5th step with my sponsor we discovered that my main character defect is passivity, and allowing others to walk all over me. Now that I'm realizing this I'm beginning to see how my kindness is and always has been taken for weakness, and EVERYONE- friends, family, co-workers, members of AA, just walk all over me because I allow them to. Now my resentments are only amping up and intensifying as I realize that others have taken advantage of me my whole life.
I want to believe that this program works, because honestly I don't think I can stay sober without it and it works if you work it. But honestly there are some major flaws here. Like why is it beneficial to confess your worse secrets to someone you haven't known long? Why should we just "let go" of resentments if others have truly harmed us in the past, and we want to prevent them from doing that again? Isn't that just allowing others to walk all over me more?
I want to believe that this program works, because honestly I don't think I can stay sober without it and it works if you work it. But honestly there are some major flaws here. Like why is it beneficial to confess your worse secrets to someone you haven't known long? Why should we just "let go" of resentments if others have truly harmed us in the past, and we want to prevent them from doing that again? Isn't that just allowing others to walk all over me more?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi again, bringmeback.
I responded to one of your other posts.
I think that your self reflection is completely normal and very healthy.
When we find recovery, part of it is turning the lens on ourselves to try to understand our part.
You are doing that uncomfortable work now and coming to some realizations, like that what you feel is kindness has others interpreting as weakness.
My advice would be to keep doing the work—you are doing great!— and don’t worry about letting go of resentments just now.
That will come in time, or it won’t, but you will be stronger and more self aware for it.
How about, instead, you think about the boundaries you would like to set with people going forward so that you feel less taken advantage of.
Not grammatically correct, but you get the idea, yeah?
I responded to one of your other posts.
I think that your self reflection is completely normal and very healthy.
When we find recovery, part of it is turning the lens on ourselves to try to understand our part.
You are doing that uncomfortable work now and coming to some realizations, like that what you feel is kindness has others interpreting as weakness.
My advice would be to keep doing the work—you are doing great!— and don’t worry about letting go of resentments just now.
That will come in time, or it won’t, but you will be stronger and more self aware for it.
How about, instead, you think about the boundaries you would like to set with people going forward so that you feel less taken advantage of.
Not grammatically correct, but you get the idea, yeah?
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,496
My resentments were kind of all over the place too. I'm not an AA person though I know that dealing with resentments is part of recovery. Letting go of resentments of other people hurting us, doesn't mean we don't care that it happened. And, it doesn't mean we allow ourselves to be open to it happening again. We let go of resentments to help ourselves, to lighten our load, and to be able to move forward. In no way do you have to allow yourself to be hurt in the same way again.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Well said, Anna.
I think of resentments as a heavy box filled with rocks.
I feel so much better when I drop that box.
That being said, resentments being what they are, I soon begin to fill another box with rocks.
It’s a process.
I think of resentments as a heavy box filled with rocks.
I feel so much better when I drop that box.
That being said, resentments being what they are, I soon begin to fill another box with rocks.
It’s a process.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 573
The main issue with resentments is that they do a person no good. Holding a resentment is like drinking poison and expecting someone else to die. They key here, I think is to recognize why you feel the resentment. if you feel taken advantage of, your part in it may be to rectify the situation by slowly beginning to stand your ground and say no or this is unacceptable when you feel you are being used or taken advantage of. This is just a very loose example. You have every right to create the boundaries that you need to protect your own integrity. But holding on to resentments is dangerous territory for an alcoholic. My own sponsor had a slip only days ago that was 100% related to resentments he couldn't let go of. So beware.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
I remember when I had my "WTF?" moment and it was AA that got me there. I didn't formally work the steps with a sponsor,but did use them in my d2d life. Once I realized/opened my eyes (to)what I had been allowing in my life from myself and many others, I was pissed! Pissed at myself for being so weak and pissed at them for 'taking advantage of my kindness',but it was I that allowed it and it was then up to ME to fix myself so I do not repeat any of that/those behavior(s). The whole "let go and let god" deal with those people. For me it was "let go and let them deal with their own crap."
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 2,909
Even if someone truly harmed me in the past, what good comes out of holding on to the hurt? That just keeps it alive and the harm continues. Don't feed it, let it die from malnutrition.
In my present and my future, I don't seek out harmful events, so why should I revisit them in past events? Turn past events into a positive force by using them as a learning tool so that you can lessen harm in the present and future.
Not letting go, is allowing the walk to continue.
In my present and my future, I don't seek out harmful events, so why should I revisit them in past events? Turn past events into a positive force by using them as a learning tool so that you can lessen harm in the present and future.
Isn't that just allowing others to walk all over me more?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Big City
Posts: 3,895
Although I have never worked the steps and only been to AA here and there, I would be very aware of needing a program to solve your drinking problem and/or blaming a program for not being perfectly suited to you.
Regardless of the strengths and weaknesses of AA or any other way we get sober, your commitment to not drinking is the only thing that is going to get you into bed at night without drinking.
Perhaps you can use this frustration. Where is it coming from? Why do you think it is effecting you? No program is perfect - whether its a program to learn computing code, quit drinking or lose weight - everyone is different in their own way.
All that matters is you don't drink. How can you use what you are feeling to further that end?
Regardless of the strengths and weaknesses of AA or any other way we get sober, your commitment to not drinking is the only thing that is going to get you into bed at night without drinking.
Perhaps you can use this frustration. Where is it coming from? Why do you think it is effecting you? No program is perfect - whether its a program to learn computing code, quit drinking or lose weight - everyone is different in their own way.
All that matters is you don't drink. How can you use what you are feeling to further that end?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
You've received a lot of good input.
The only thing I caution is black and white/all or nothing thinking. AA is helping you. Then stay with it....of course it's flawed...its full of Homo Sapiens. So there ya go!
You don't have to do your 5th step with a sponsor. Their role is to guide you through the steps...not tell you how to feel or review what you have said. That's my perspective anyway. Maybe do your 5th with a counselor, or a spiritual leader you respect?
I think what you are experiencing is really normal. And you never have to be a door mat again (I'm a professional door mat).
Hang in there.
The only thing I caution is black and white/all or nothing thinking. AA is helping you. Then stay with it....of course it's flawed...its full of Homo Sapiens. So there ya go!
You don't have to do your 5th step with a sponsor. Their role is to guide you through the steps...not tell you how to feel or review what you have said. That's my perspective anyway. Maybe do your 5th with a counselor, or a spiritual leader you respect?
I think what you are experiencing is really normal. And you never have to be a door mat again (I'm a professional door mat).
Hang in there.
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
AA person chiming in.
Why do we let go of resentments? Exactly because that anger only hurts US. Does it feel fair? No. Especially not til you get to accept the fact that it truly is better for you to let them go.
Do we actually have a wrong in everyresentment situation? No. I was date raped in college. I was angry at myself for a long time and/or I tried to call it something besides what it was so I somehow avoided the reality. None of that situation, might, or persons behavior was my fault. R denting it i.e. Holding onto it, would only keep me hurt.
Steps four and five are hard. Emotional. And they ar meant to be thorough yet we can't get bogged down or stuck there, if you will. That can do things like keep us in a mad limbo, chuck AA and the proverbial baby with the bath water, and very importantly keep us behaving the same ways we did when actively drinking!
You don't have to do step five with anyon specific. Some people use a counselor or clergy man. I used a sponsor, but it was my second one bc after step three I was not comfortable doing four and five with my first sponsor. Did I list or tell you very single thing I have ever done wrong, been resentful or angry about? No, of course not bc i can't remember every person I harmed or what I was mad at, and more importantly because it doesn't have to be a finite, one time only sort of list.
One way that helps me frame this whole emotional issue of responsibility, blame, resentment, etc is....how do I want to feel? Angry, used, mistreated...? Or, ok with myself, good enough at setting boundaries with others that I am comfortable wi, and proud of MY behavior? Yep. So accepting that I can only change what I do today on out and next time x or y happens is key.
And step five is only become willing to make amends to people. So examine my part in wrongs (4)then accepting just the idea that I could make amends for that, acts all right now.
Drinking only got me in most situations that I hated or that kept ME less than.
I hope you keep going.
Why do we let go of resentments? Exactly because that anger only hurts US. Does it feel fair? No. Especially not til you get to accept the fact that it truly is better for you to let them go.
Do we actually have a wrong in everyresentment situation? No. I was date raped in college. I was angry at myself for a long time and/or I tried to call it something besides what it was so I somehow avoided the reality. None of that situation, might, or persons behavior was my fault. R denting it i.e. Holding onto it, would only keep me hurt.
Steps four and five are hard. Emotional. And they ar meant to be thorough yet we can't get bogged down or stuck there, if you will. That can do things like keep us in a mad limbo, chuck AA and the proverbial baby with the bath water, and very importantly keep us behaving the same ways we did when actively drinking!
You don't have to do step five with anyon specific. Some people use a counselor or clergy man. I used a sponsor, but it was my second one bc after step three I was not comfortable doing four and five with my first sponsor. Did I list or tell you very single thing I have ever done wrong, been resentful or angry about? No, of course not bc i can't remember every person I harmed or what I was mad at, and more importantly because it doesn't have to be a finite, one time only sort of list.
One way that helps me frame this whole emotional issue of responsibility, blame, resentment, etc is....how do I want to feel? Angry, used, mistreated...? Or, ok with myself, good enough at setting boundaries with others that I am comfortable wi, and proud of MY behavior? Yep. So accepting that I can only change what I do today on out and next time x or y happens is key.
And step five is only become willing to make amends to people. So examine my part in wrongs (4)then accepting just the idea that I could make amends for that, acts all right now.
Drinking only got me in most situations that I hated or that kept ME less than.
I hope you keep going.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,426
Hi bringmeback 
One of my favourite books is The Shack by Wm Paul Young. In it, he describes how forgiveness is not necessarily absolution for the other party- it's about letting go of the other persons neck so we can move on....
I had a lot of resentments too and some were justified - but holding onto them didn't hurt the other people involved - it just hurt me. I gave up waiting for apologies and got on with building the sober life I wanted..
a decade on, I have peace and serenity - and I think that's a great swap for all those resentments eating away at me.
D
One of my favourite books is The Shack by Wm Paul Young. In it, he describes how forgiveness is not necessarily absolution for the other party- it's about letting go of the other persons neck so we can move on....
I had a lot of resentments too and some were justified - but holding onto them didn't hurt the other people involved - it just hurt me. I gave up waiting for apologies and got on with building the sober life I wanted..
a decade on, I have peace and serenity - and I think that's a great swap for all those resentments eating away at me.
D
Guest
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 1,271
Originally Posted by bringmeback7693 
During my 4th and 5th step I really didn't have a lot of resentments. I thought this was a little weird
No resentments? Sounds like you were in denial or something.
and in doing my 5th step with my sponsor we discovered that my main character defect is passivity, and allowing others to walk all over me.
Now that I'm realizing this I'm beginning to see how my kindness is and always has been taken for weakness, and EVERYONE- friends, family, co-workers, members of AA, just walk all over me because I allow them to.
-Does everyone truly "walk all over you", or do they just say yes to what you offer?
-Is it that you aren't able to say No for fear of disappointing someone?
-Was there an ulterior motive to your allowing people to walk all over you, such as "fear of not being liked", etc.?
-Were you not allowed to stand up for yourself when you were younger?
Just some questions I thought I'd throw out there for food for thought.
Now my resentments are only amping up and intensifying as I realize that others have taken advantage of me my whole life.
Others took advantage of you because you let them.
I had to see this, too, in my life.
I want to believe that this program works, because honestly I don't think I can stay sober without it and it works if you work it. But honestly there are some major flaws here. Like why is it beneficial to confess your worse secrets to someone you haven't known long?
Often times, the sponsor can see truths that aren't clear to you yet. They can help you see things you need to see in order to help you grow.
Saying things out loud to another person brings the secrets out and into the light, so you can heal.
There is a healing miracle when one alcoholic helps another alcoholic, that is difficult to explain to a non-alcoholic.
Why should we just "let go" of resentments if others have truly harmed us in the past,
and we want to prevent them from doing that again?
Isn't that just allowing others to walk all over me more?
Might I suggest you look into ACA (if it applies), Alanon, or CODA? I learned these sort of things not from AA but from those groups. In my personal experience, AA is all about "kindness, love, tolerance and forgiveness" which is great and all, but not if you're a recovering people-pleaser from an abusive childhood (if that applies) and need to allow yourself to set boundaries. Therapy can help with that too. Self-empowerment is a great recovery tool because it'll decrease resentments and help you to be much more authentic.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: North East, USA
Posts: 704
In AA the thought is that resentments will take you out.
You are not confessing your sons to a saint...you are talking to some one who is not only not out to get you but has also done some things along those lines.
It's a buddy system in all honesty and it is tremendous. Saved my life.
It's work and its not easy, but nothing good comes easy and if does it does not last.
You're doing marvelous and skepticism is healthy to some extent. It'll be easiest when you surrender and accept as per the solution.
Only gotta get step one right daily and try at the others.
Jules
You are not confessing your sons to a saint...you are talking to some one who is not only not out to get you but has also done some things along those lines.
It's a buddy system in all honesty and it is tremendous. Saved my life.
It's work and its not easy, but nothing good comes easy and if does it does not last.
You're doing marvelous and skepticism is healthy to some extent. It'll be easiest when you surrender and accept as per the solution.
Only gotta get step one right daily and try at the others.
Jules
Guest
Join Date: May 2016
Location: Australia
Posts: 1,802
I have been called a doormat as well. I haven't done step 4 with a sponsor only by myself. I have 3 exes now who used and abused me. I was in the church till I was 35 and took the love and forgiveness messages literally. One of my ex's was a drug dealer. He used me for money and a roof over his head. Eventually he was so bad the police came and threw him out. I have forgiven him. That's why I can't do a step 4 with anyone. I have no amends to make to my exes. I can completely understand where you are coming from. If anyone has any ideas please post.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
I had no resenment for my fourth step. I actually made one up just to fill in the space. The reason was simple, there were plenty of people I could have resented, but I had already seen my part in the various situations, so I bore no ill will.
However when i got sober, resentment became an issue. In this area I was trying to do the right thing, but still had an alcoholic mind and even what I thoguht was right often turned out to be wrong. So people would react and I would get resentful because I could not see my part. Step 10 and a good sponsor saved my life here.
Seeing my part lead me to making amends which in turn seemed to allow me to forgive. I find forgiving much easier these days. I had one experience with a relative a few years back who did some really nasty stuff. then her husband left her, and I went to her in support, finding that I had already forgiven her for earlier transgressions.
That was pretty cool, but here is the thing. While I was able to forgive, she has never shown any contrition, never acknowledged any wrong doing. So I don't forget. I make sure I never lay myself or my family open to her mischief again.
I don't harbour resentment, we share christmas together etc, there is nothing eating me up from inside, I just know that me and my kids need to be on guard.
As to your question about why to take the fifth step, in one sense it is a question of leap before you look. I leapt, then I looked at page 75, the fifth step promises, which described exactly how I felt. I had read them before, but not seen them.
They meant nothing when I was on the wrong side of step five, yet they were the catalyst for my life changing spiritual experience, something I could not have known in advance.
However when i got sober, resentment became an issue. In this area I was trying to do the right thing, but still had an alcoholic mind and even what I thoguht was right often turned out to be wrong. So people would react and I would get resentful because I could not see my part. Step 10 and a good sponsor saved my life here.
Seeing my part lead me to making amends which in turn seemed to allow me to forgive. I find forgiving much easier these days. I had one experience with a relative a few years back who did some really nasty stuff. then her husband left her, and I went to her in support, finding that I had already forgiven her for earlier transgressions.
That was pretty cool, but here is the thing. While I was able to forgive, she has never shown any contrition, never acknowledged any wrong doing. So I don't forget. I make sure I never lay myself or my family open to her mischief again.
I don't harbour resentment, we share christmas together etc, there is nothing eating me up from inside, I just know that me and my kids need to be on guard.
As to your question about why to take the fifth step, in one sense it is a question of leap before you look. I leapt, then I looked at page 75, the fifth step promises, which described exactly how I felt. I had read them before, but not seen them.
They meant nothing when I was on the wrong side of step five, yet they were the catalyst for my life changing spiritual experience, something I could not have known in advance.
Guest
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 1,271
I wasn't taught in AA to make amends to myself.
I figured out that I needed to, because I harmed myself with more than just alcohol.
I make amends to my old self now by not taking any crap from anyone anymore, no matter who they are. I set boundaries and limits without guilt. I feel worthy now of doing so. No more people-pleasing to avoid making people angry or to avoid conflict. I don't allow myself to be a push-over or talked into something that I don't want to do, just to make the other person happy. I think of myself.
I'm learning how to be politely assertive. Although I have to admit, coming from a place of "f-you" was kind of liberating in the beginning.
I figured out that I needed to, because I harmed myself with more than just alcohol.
I make amends to my old self now by not taking any crap from anyone anymore, no matter who they are. I set boundaries and limits without guilt. I feel worthy now of doing so. No more people-pleasing to avoid making people angry or to avoid conflict. I don't allow myself to be a push-over or talked into something that I don't want to do, just to make the other person happy. I think of myself.
I'm learning how to be politely assertive. Although I have to admit, coming from a place of "f-you" was kind of liberating in the beginning.
Guest
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 1,271
Love & forgiveness does not mean we continue to allow people or the same person to harm us. But first we have to ccurately define a "harm"; otherwise the circle of people in our lives will become very small.
I love myself by treating myself with respect, setting boundaries and limits, standing in my truth, asserting myself calmly where necessary, and walking away from truly toxic people or situations. I forgive myself for not doing this in the past.
I love myself by treating myself with respect, setting boundaries and limits, standing in my truth, asserting myself calmly where necessary, and walking away from truly toxic people or situations. I forgive myself for not doing this in the past.
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