Strange for wife to not know husband's sobriety status?
 

I have a friend in the program and sometimes I get worried about her. Yes i should focus on my own recovery! I know. It is my best friend who I used to drink with and her husband is doing AA. However, she told me last night that she and her husband don't discuss eachothers sobriety and keep it to themselves. Is this strange? It seems dishonest to me. I told her that it is a program of honesty and shouldn't he be telling her if he is drinking or when his sobriety date is? She said that it's a part of their lives that they keep separate. Is this common for some couples or is this strange? It just seems like a breach of trust to not even know your partner's status and the fact that he refuses to discuss it or share it with her. I just told her that I thought it was a little dishonest of him and that if they're intimate shouldn't she be allowed to know it. (She has codependency issues and does Codependency Anonymous too)

The reason why I post this simply is because I myself and trying to live a life of honesty and she used to lie to me in the past, so I am re-evaluating my friendships a year into my program.

I think whatever arrangement that she and her husband have come to is between them and should be respected as such. I learned early on not to judge how people manage their sobriety. It was enough work, time and effort to manage my own sobriety without taking on how someone else was managing theirs.

You are not the spouse.

If you're concerned with honesty issues and want to put some distance in your relationship as a result, that's a separate issue.

i don't know anything much about codependency, but would bet it would be "dangerous" to get involved in the when, if, what and how of someone else's sobriety.

Maybe you guys are right and it is smart for them to keep their own sobriety separate. I would just tell my partner everything and such a huge thing to keep secret is strange to me. That's all!

I haven't told my husband or anyone else about my plan to get completely sober. It is the way I've chosen to handle my life at this point. I don't feel it is dishonest at all. It was dishonest when I would down 5 drinks while he was cutting grass and then act like I was only drinking water when he walked in the door.

He still sees me drinking water but there is no lie behind it now.

Sometimes, for some people, talking about it all of the time with a loved one can make it harder. Maybe they are intentionally trying to have conversations that don't revolve around drinking. I don't know, no one knows. But if it is working for them I see no problem with it at all.

c81

One has to start somewhere when rebuilding a relationship.

It really is their own business how they handle this between themselves and if they are both in agreement then it’s not any of your concern. I don’t mean that to sound as harsh as it does in print so please don’t think I am having a go at you. If they have a co-dependent relationship then it would be sensible to keep some things separate where they reach out to other external support available to them both. Sometimes you can be too close to people and need to have some distance and other outlets to manage your sobriety as whilst someone you are close to may mean well sometimes their advice can be tainted with how something affects them rather than taking an objective and unbiased viewpoint. I have a family member I am close to but I have to distance from them when it comes to talk of sobriety and how I am feeling etc as they advise things that contradict everything I have learned about addiction and what it takes to stay sober for me. This family member means well but I have had to put a boundary in place to protect my sobriety which is a healthy way to manage the issue. x

Hillhiker, I relate to everything you said!

I agree with what others here have said. Every relationship is different and I try not to judge. Whatever is working for them and each individual is ok. Sometimes sharing too much, even with your spouse, can make it more difficult as another posted, and can also create trust issues. If one chooses to share, where do you draw the line with what to share and what not to? Unfortunately, I had an affair when I was drinking. I drank in the morning. I hid alcohol all the time. I had one to many getting behind the wheel (even picking up our kid). If I’d told my husband all this, he would have left me. My behavior and the problems I created were all wrapped up with alcohol. That was not the real me. I am a different person and being the real me now. My husband knew my drinking had gotten out of control. He knew when I had relapses. When I told him I wanted to quit, he supported me and anything I needed to do to get clean. He was open to hearing anything I wanted to talk about but also respected my privacy. Sometimes looks and body language say a thousand words. Truthfully, I know he wouldn’t completely understand everything I’ve gone through. He is a “normal”drinker. He said to me once in the beginning of my troubles that he didn’t understand how he could control his intake and I couldn’t. He believes it’s a matter of will power. Of course he hasnt had the alcoholism education that I have because he hasn’t really needed to. I think he is slowly coming around but I still pick and choose what to share. We are in a good place now. Sorry for the rant. I recommend being open and supporting your friend however you can :)

Thanks! I feel guilty for reacting to her the way I did. I guess maybe it was my character defect coming out and trying to manage other people when i can't do that.... and now i know and i will work on it

My husband doesn’t know my sobriety date. I feel like telling him would make him somehow feel responsible for something that is squarely my responsibility. It’s not his job to manage my sobriety or keep track of it or even to celebrate it. It’s my job to stay sober, and his job to be as healthy as he can possibly be.

Not telling him has made it a “me” thing and not an “us” thing, which was very important in our relationship for many reasons.

I used to be the most judgmental person in the universe about everything from relationships to parenting (even though I wasn’t one at the time. Lol) to work ethic, etc. My recovery process has made me so much more compassionate and less opinionated about others. Unfortunately, I created some bad karma for myself though because I’ve now found myself on the other side and the one being judged on different issues. Live and learn, I guess!

Nothing could be less important to me than the means by which others get and stay sober. Of value is how they have found their way there and how they maintain.

there is a big difference between 'secret' and 'private'.

I am trying to conquer sobriety and my wife has never had an issue with drinking. This piqued my interest because I seek support, but minimize support from her.

She is well intentioned, but her tendency throughout this whole process is to control the situation... over-compliment when things are going well... shame when they aren't.

I think she just is Type A and has a lot invested in this... so I am on my own journey and will let her know how I am doing every few weeks or so.

Hi TeeJay,

This for your wife: https://www.al-anon.org/

Breaking the cycle of ineffective family dynamics can be a really good journey.

Good luck with your sobriety!

Thank you so much.. Mango212. I chuckled because I have suggested that she attend a meeting and/or read up on the principles of Al Anon. I will remind her again. Probably just sending her the link via text would influence action more than explaining it to her. :)