Blogs


Notices

Watching myself drink vodka on a 9am train

Old 09-20-2018, 06:18 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
lessgravity's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Big City
Posts: 3,561
Watching myself drink vodka on a 9am train

As I write this I am on the train to work this morning. Sober as a bird.

As I took my seat, I noticed across the aisle from me a man about my age, who nodded and smiled at me before he took his seat. I watched to see him pull a half pint of cheap vodka out of his pocket. It is 9 in the morning. I noticed that the half pint was only half full. I felt great pain and empathy for the man. I knew the feelings, the conflict that must be raging inside him as he sat there. There wasn't enough vodka in the bottle. No way. And that's the thing about drinking. There's never enough. They will never be enough vodka.

I watch as he takes the smallest of swigs. Maybe his demons will quiet down for a minute. I remember that feeling. It was warm, familiar and safe. The world couldn't touch me after few swigs. But what crap. My demons would only quiet down only to come raging back.

I'm overwhelmed with gratitude right now. I'm free from that terrible prison, from the deep suffering, from the pain. I hope this dude finds a way out.
lessgravity is offline  
The Following 47 Users Say Thank You to lessgravity For This Useful Post:
AAPJ (09-20-2018), aasharon90 (09-20-2018), August252015 (09-20-2018), Ayers (09-20-2018), Bethany57 (09-20-2018), courage2 (09-20-2018), DarklingSong (09-20-2018), Delilah1 (09-20-2018), Della1968 (09-20-2018), DreamCatcher17 (09-20-2018), Dropsie (09-22-2018), Fearlessat50 (09-21-2018), Flower2327 (09-20-2018), Free2bme888 (09-20-2018), gatorman (09-21-2018), Gettingcloser (09-20-2018), Hevyn (09-20-2018), honeypig (09-22-2018), HTown (09-20-2018), Ihadmyfill (09-20-2018), lunar (09-20-2018), Mango212 (09-21-2018), MantaLady (09-20-2018), Midwest1981 (09-20-2018), MindfulMan (09-21-2018), NerfThis (09-20-2018), NoBones (09-20-2018), Nonsensical (09-21-2018), Outonthetiles (09-20-2018), plop (09-21-2018), prinzeugen (09-20-2018), Rainman1 (09-21-2018), Rar (09-22-2018), rye98 (09-22-2018), saoutchik (09-21-2018), Snowydelrico (09-21-2018), Snufkin (09-20-2018), soberandhonest (09-20-2018), StartingOverNW (09-20-2018), suki44883 (09-20-2018), TeeJayVerm (09-20-2018), tekink (09-20-2018), thomas11 (09-21-2018), Tonymblue (09-24-2018), Tynesider22 (09-20-2018), Verdantia (09-20-2018), yinzer (09-21-2018)
Old 09-20-2018, 06:36 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
aasharon90's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 12,326
There was and still will never be enough alcohol
in this world to ever satisfy my thirst for alcohol.
Even with 28 yrs of continuous recovery/sobriety.

To pick up a drink and take a drink would begin
the insanity, rollercoaster ride, merry go round
all over again and i'm not sure what would happen
to me first. Maybe, id end up in jail, crazy or dead.

Living a sober life can be trying at times, but, to
be free from addiction is far better than being a
prisoner because of it.

Continue to pray for all those sick and struggling
with addiction and help those you can by sharing
your own experiences, strengths and hopes of what
it was before during and after alcohol or drug abuse/addiction.
aasharon90 is online now  
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to aasharon90 For This Useful Post:
Ayers (09-20-2018), Fearlessat50 (09-21-2018), Free2bme888 (09-20-2018), lessgravity (09-20-2018), Mango212 (09-21-2018), wildflower70 (09-20-2018)
Old 09-20-2018, 08:58 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
Della1968's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Fingerlakes,NY
Posts: 4,517
You write the best stuff! That post brought me back 3.5 years in a hurry. Thank you!
Della1968 is offline  
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to Della1968 For This Useful Post:
Fearlessat50 (09-21-2018), Free2bme888 (09-20-2018), gatorman (09-21-2018), lessgravity (09-20-2018), thomas11 (09-21-2018)
Old 09-20-2018, 10:04 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
Meraviglioso's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Italy
Posts: 4,150
Great post LG. It made me cringe, I could feel it too. I am so glad to not be that person anymore.
Meraviglioso is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to Meraviglioso For This Useful Post:
August252015 (09-21-2018), Fearlessat50 (09-21-2018), Free2bme888 (09-20-2018), lessgravity (09-20-2018)
Old 09-20-2018, 10:06 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
Outonthetiles's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 3,301
Sad. I'm so glad I never got (quite) to that level, but I was getting pretty close.
Outonthetiles is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Outonthetiles For This Useful Post:
Fearlessat50 (09-21-2018), lessgravity (09-20-2018), prinzeugen (09-20-2018)
Old 09-20-2018, 10:07 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
Free2bme888's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2018
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,631
Thanks LG!
Free2bme888 is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Free2bme888 For This Useful Post:
Fearlessat50 (09-21-2018), lessgravity (09-20-2018)
Old 09-20-2018, 11:59 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
orderfororder's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 154
I've been there as well. Although never quite so bold as to drink straight from the bottle in public, I would always mix it in with a sports drink or something. I hope he finds his way as well.
orderfororder is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to orderfororder For This Useful Post:
Fearlessat50 (09-21-2018), lessgravity (09-20-2018), Outonthetiles (09-20-2018)
Old 09-20-2018, 04:22 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
Flower2327's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 123
Thanks. It's so true - there could never be enough alcohol to satisfy me, and I would've drank 24/7 if I could have...and might've been heading that way if I'd kept drinking much longer.
Flower2327 is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Flower2327 For This Useful Post:
Fearlessat50 (09-21-2018), lessgravity (09-21-2018)
Old 09-20-2018, 05:06 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Guest
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 1,174
I read that. Then went and tipped my last can down the sink. Thanks.
canguy is offline  
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to canguy For This Useful Post:
August252015 (09-22-2018), Fearlessat50 (09-21-2018), lessgravity (09-21-2018), plop (09-21-2018), Rar (09-22-2018), yinzer (09-21-2018)
Old 09-20-2018, 06:22 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Learning to live again
 
Hevyn's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 41,134
I can't believe I justified living that way for so many years.
Thank you, less.
Hevyn is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Hevyn For This Useful Post:
Fearlessat50 (09-21-2018), lessgravity (09-21-2018), Mango212 (09-21-2018)
Old 09-20-2018, 11:38 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
Tynesider22's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2017
Location: Tyne and Wear, UK
Posts: 1,426
I can't really say anything that hasn't already been said, apart from me too.

In fact, thinking of occasions in the past, I am horrified. The more I think about my drinking days, the more I don't even want to near it.
Tynesider22 is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Tynesider22 For This Useful Post:
Fearlessat50 (09-21-2018), lessgravity (09-21-2018)
Old 09-21-2018, 03:49 AM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
FreeOwl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 7,444
I remember glimpses....

Hotel room mini fridge bottles before breakfast meetings....

5 am guzzling vodka from the freeezer trying to make the headache and the nausea stop.....

Vodka on lunch break - after secretly vomiting all morning.....

Vodka in my coffee.....

And all along it seeing somehow OK.... not Ďthat badí....

Looking back into those glimpses is always bewildering. How the man who sits here thinking of those memories could have been that man!

Iím grateful thatís no longer me.
FreeOwl is offline  
The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to FreeOwl For This Useful Post:
Fearlessat50 (09-21-2018), lessgravity (09-21-2018), Mango212 (09-21-2018), Outonthetiles (09-25-2018), plop (09-21-2018), thomas11 (09-21-2018), yinzer (09-21-2018)
Old 09-21-2018, 04:01 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Guest
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
I was that person too. Now I see it and it makes me so sad, yet hoping that person stops before they die like I was able to do.
August252015 is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to August252015 For This Useful Post:
Fearlessat50 (09-21-2018), lessgravity (09-21-2018), plop (09-21-2018), yinzer (09-21-2018)
Old 09-21-2018, 05:41 AM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
Fearlessat50's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: Right here, right now
Posts: 2,302
Thought provoking post. Thank you! Very sad. Toward the end, my drinking had progressed to morning also. But it’s 5 O’clock somewhere, I always laughed. Somehow, like others have said, I didn’t think it was so bad. In fact, I thought it made me more functional. How crazy is that?! Now when I see others drinking this way, I wonder if they are still in that deep denial thinking, or if they are aware they have a problem but are caught up in that cycle trying to stop but haven’t been able to find a way out. I am so grateful I have found a way out. I am praying for all those still struggling. Thank you, less
Fearlessat50 is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to Fearlessat50 For This Useful Post:
August252015 (09-22-2018), lessgravity (09-21-2018), Mango212 (09-21-2018), plop (09-21-2018)
Old 09-21-2018, 07:14 AM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
 
thomas11's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,541
Thanks for the reminder, they keep me in check. poor guy.
thomas11 is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to thomas11 For This Useful Post:
lessgravity (09-21-2018)
Old 09-21-2018, 01:32 PM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
 
soberista's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: North Yorkshire UK
Posts: 762
Originally Posted by lessgravity View Post
As I write this I am on the train to work this morning. Sober as a bird.

As I took my seat, I noticed across the aisle from me a man about my age, who nodded and smiled at me before he took his seat. I watched to see him pull a half pint of cheap vodka out of his pocket. It is 9 in the morning. I noticed that the half pint was only half full. I felt great pain and empathy for the man. I knew the feelings, the conflict that must be raging inside him as he sat there. There wasn't enough vodka in the bottle. No way. And that's the thing about drinking. There's never enough. They will never be enough vodka.

I watch as he takes the smallest of swigs. Maybe his demons will quiet down for a minute. I remember that feeling. It was warm, familiar and safe. The world couldn't touch me after few swigs. But what crap. My demons would only quiet down only to come raging back.

I'm overwhelmed with gratitude right now. I'm free from that terrible prison, from the deep suffering, from the pain. I hope this dude finds a way out.
I do hope youve either written a book or are writing one. You have a natural talent at painting pictures with words. A true and talented wordsmith and always a pleasure to read your work.

Thankyou.
soberista is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to soberista For This Useful Post:
Dropsie (09-22-2018), lessgravity (09-21-2018), Rar (09-22-2018)
Old 09-21-2018, 07:35 PM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
lessgravity's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Big City
Posts: 3,561
Originally Posted by soberista View Post
I do hope youve either written a book or are writing one. You have a natural talent at painting pictures with words. A true and talented wordsmith and always a pleasure to read your work.

Thankyou.
This was so kind of you to say. Growing up I always wanted to be a writer. Maybe now that I'm sober, some old dusted dreams of a kid could be honored, even in the smallest of ways.
lessgravity is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to lessgravity For This Useful Post:
August252015 (09-22-2018), Dropsie (09-22-2018), Rar (09-22-2018)
Old 09-21-2018, 07:55 PM
  # 18 (permalink)  
No Dogma Please
 
MindfulMan's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: SoCal
Posts: 2,562
Breaks my heart when I see stuff like this.

I was walking down a pretty sketchy block in DTLA a few months back and there was this guy who was shaking uncontrollably. He was holding his hand in front of his face.

I reached over to help him and saw he had a syringe that he was trying to put in his arm. Could have been meth or heroin.

Thank God I never went to those substances, but coke and alcohol and benzos took me nearly to that point several times.

Gratitude for sobriety. Bigly.
MindfulMan is offline  
Old 09-21-2018, 10:40 PM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Member
 
soberista's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: North Yorkshire UK
Posts: 762
Originally Posted by lessgravity View Post
This was so kind of you to say. Growing up I always wanted to be a writer. Maybe now that I'm sober, some old dusted dreams of a kid could be honored, even in the smallest of ways.

It would be a waste for you not to dust down those dreams! When i was a kid the only thing that interested me was art. Ive sold my whole life to build an art studio and follow that childhood dream. I dont earn a large salary anymore but tell you what _ im sober and couldnt be happier. Xx
soberista is offline  
Old 09-22-2018, 02:17 AM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Guest
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Originally Posted by lessgravity View Post
This was so kind of you to say. Growing up I always wanted to be a writer. Maybe now that I'm sober, some old dusted dreams of a kid could be honored, even in the smallest of ways.
Me too and it's why I have my current blog!
August252015 is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 04:03 AM.