Watching myself drink vodka on a 9am train
 

As I write this I am on the train to work this morning. Sober as a bird.

As I took my seat, I noticed across the aisle from me a man about my age, who nodded and smiled at me before he took his seat. I watched to see him pull a half pint of cheap vodka out of his pocket. It is 9 in the morning. I noticed that the half pint was only half full. I felt great pain and empathy for the man. I knew the feelings, the conflict that must be raging inside him as he sat there. There wasn't enough vodka in the bottle. No way. And that's the thing about drinking. There's never enough. They will never be enough vodka.

I watch as he takes the smallest of swigs. Maybe his demons will quiet down for a minute. I remember that feeling. It was warm, familiar and safe. The world couldn't touch me after few swigs. But what crap. My demons would only quiet down only to come raging back.

I'm overwhelmed with gratitude right now. I'm free from that terrible prison, from the deep suffering, from the pain. I hope this dude finds a way out.

There was and still will never be enough alcohol
in this world to ever satisfy my thirst for alcohol.
Even with 28 yrs of continuous recovery/sobriety.

To pick up a drink and take a drink would begin
the insanity, rollercoaster ride, merry go round
all over again and i'm not sure what would happen
to me first. Maybe, id end up in jail, crazy or dead.

Living a sober life can be trying at times, but, to
be free from addiction is far better than being a
prisoner because of it.

Continue to pray for all those sick and struggling
with addiction and help those you can by sharing
your own experiences, strengths and hopes of what
it was before during and after alcohol or drug abuse/addiction.

You write the best stuff! That post brought me back 3.5 years in a hurry. Thank you!

Great post LG. It made me cringe, I could feel it too. I am so glad to not be that person anymore.

Sad. I'm so glad I never got (quite) to that level, but I was getting pretty close.

Thanks LG!

I've been there as well. Although never quite so bold as to drink straight from the bottle in public, I would always mix it in with a sports drink or something. I hope he finds his way as well.

Thanks. It's so true - there could never be enough alcohol to satisfy me, and I would've drank 24/7 if I could have...and might've been heading that way if I'd kept drinking much longer.

I read that. Then went and tipped my last can down the sink. Thanks.

I can't believe I justified living that way for so many years.
Thank you, less.

I can't really say anything that hasn't already been said, apart from me too.

In fact, thinking of occasions in the past, I am horrified. The more I think about my drinking days, the more I don't even want to near it.

I remember glimpses....

Hotel room mini fridge bottles before breakfast meetings....

5 am guzzling vodka from the freeezer trying to make the headache and the nausea stop.....

Vodka on lunch break - after secretly vomiting all morning.....

Vodka in my coffee.....

And all along it seeing somehow OK.... not ‘that bad’....

Looking back into those glimpses is always bewildering. How the man who sits here thinking of those memories could have been that man!

I’m grateful that’s no longer me.

I was that person too. Now I see it and it makes me so sad, yet hoping that person stops before they die like I was able to do.

Thought provoking post. Thank you! Very sad. Toward the end, my drinking had progressed to morning also. But it’s 5 O’clock somewhere, I always laughed. Somehow, like others have said, I didn’t think it was so bad. In fact, I thought it made me more functional. How crazy is that?! Now when I see others drinking this way, I wonder if they are still in that deep denial thinking, or if they are aware they have a problem but are caught up in that cycle trying to stop but haven’t been able to find a way out. I am so grateful I have found a way out. I am praying for all those still struggling. Thank you, less

Thanks for the reminder, they keep me in check. poor guy.

I do hope youve either written a book or are writing one. You have a natural talent at painting pictures with words. A true and talented wordsmith and always a pleasure to read your work.

Thankyou.

This was so kind of you to say. Growing up I always wanted to be a writer. Maybe now that I'm sober, some old dusted dreams of a kid could be honored, even in the smallest of ways.

Breaks my heart when I see stuff like this.

I was walking down a pretty sketchy block in DTLA a few months back and there was this guy who was shaking uncontrollably. He was holding his hand in front of his face.

I reached over to help him and saw he had a syringe that he was trying to put in his arm. Could have been meth or heroin.

Thank God I never went to those substances, but coke and alcohol and benzos took me nearly to that point several times.

Gratitude for sobriety. Bigly.

It would be a waste for you not to dust down those dreams! When i was a kid the only thing that interested me was art. Ive sold my whole life to build an art studio and follow that childhood dream. I dont earn a large salary anymore but tell you what _ im sober and couldnt be happier. Xx

Me too and it's why I have my current blog!:You_Rock_