How bad of a drunk am I?
 

I've drank for years, since I was a teen, but up until these past few years, never a daily drinker. I would say for the past two years, I've drank 350 of 365 days per year. I drink anywhere from 5-12 drinks on any given night. About twice per week, I'll think of the taper down method and drop to 2-3 glasses of wine only, go to sleep and maybe do that a day or two each week. It doesn't last as I find myself back on a bender by weeks end.

The fact is, I like to drink. I feel good when I drink. I'm awkward not social when I'm sober. Get 4-6 drinks in me and I'll walk up and chat friendly with anyone. I'm like a different person. That is just a fact. But the other fact is I know my 5-12 drinks a day is ruining my health.

I have better sex when I'm buzzed, I am more social, more outgoing and I feel happy for those first several hours when the drunk is on the upswing. I don't have terrible hangovers either. Just blah through the next day, but I get by until around 6pm when I start drinking again.

I don't know based on the above my withdrawals would be. I know I'll have some, as when I do my weekly 2-3 glasses of wine thing, I wake up anxious and restless a bit middle of the night. So there will likely be some form of withdrawals.

My plan is this, correct me or please give me your input.

I plan to go four days with 2.5 glasses of wine and when I go to bed, take a very low dose of hydroxyzine (12.5 mg's will relax me) this works well for me and was prescribed a while ago. I plan to do this for 4 days, then go down to 1.5 glasses for 4 days and then 1 glass for 4 days and quit and then quite the medication as well.

But here is my thing. I would still like to go out once or twice a month and have a bender. I'm sorry, but I just enjoy it too much. I just want to regain control and not get back into the daily thing. I know everyone here will likely say I'll just slide right back, so I ask, has anyone managed to get control of their drinking and then just truly drink for pleasure once in a while? Is it possible?

Thanks everyone in advance.

I could never taper cause that meant controlling how much I drank... which I cannot do. :(

I hope you can use our support to get sober for good. :) Takes some effort, but it's worth it. :)

Welcome to Sober Recovery. I hope you don't get too discouraged if you don't find many people supportive of your plan.

One of the first things I read on SR that resonated with me was regarding my hope of controlling my drinking one day.

"If you have to control it, it's already out of control."

And if you are an alcoholic, you are unlikely to regain it.

Not me. Once I start drinking I'll go until I'm loaded. I can't moderate. What is the point? One drink just lights the fire. Then it's off to the races. I know what you mean about liking drinking. How can an alcoholic not like the buzz? But I can't control myself. I am hyper sensitive about drinking in public anymore. I am terrified of a DUI. So I drank alone until I passed out. Some life, huh? That's why I don't drink. Give sobriety a try and see if it works for you. I don't see going on benders is positive. Good luck to you.

Here's my experience -

• I couldn't drink just one or two. Once I hit the first drink, I lost count.
• I can't have just one bender for the same reason I can't have just one drink. Tried it. The awakening of my greed for booze was soul-sickening.

I recommend you quit before your dependency gets worse.

Your story sounds similar to mine. My attempts to control drinking just ultimately lead me to regress back to my prior levels of drinking within a few weeks. I can only control my drinking habits in the short term. If I have one on a given night, I will sneak a second in within a day or two, then eventually just slide back down that hill.

I am not out of the woods by any stretch as I am on my 5th attempt to abstain this year, but I think you will find that abstaining for a month period or so will actually be easier than moderating.

Thanks everyone for the candid responses. I feel I am still at a point I can moderate, with my taper plan. Tonight I am having my 2.5 glasses and done with it. Sure, I'll want more, but I am still at a point I can control it. Tomorrow night will be more difficult, as I usually fold on night 2-3 and start slamming some down.

I want to give the taper a try. If I fail, I'll cold cold turkey and just ride it out.

Also, I think an important question to ask yourself is "How bad of a drunk could I become?" Has your pattern of drinking deteriorated over time?

I am just glad I recognized my issues before I lost a job, my family, got a DUI, became seriously ill, etc. Now I just need to execute and stick with it before something like that does happen.

It's a process and you'll learn what works with time. Best of luck!

I've gotten worse. I progressed and wake up some days and think back to how much I drank and shock myself. 5-12 is average, but there is a day or two each month, I exceed probably 15-18 drinks. I'll drink from 12 noon to 2am. But most days, Id say I'm having 7-8 drinks. Like 90% of the time.

The sad thing is I used to be into bodybuilding and was fit and healthy. I used to workout most days even after say 6-8 drinks. But I can't do it anymore. I just feel drained. It's time to change.

So basically you want to tapper to quit then go on bi-monthly benders? That means you'll be tapering and quiting the other two weeks which means you are still drinking alcoholically.
I tried all sorts of drinking plans and schemes, bottom line none of them worked. Being an alcoholic and figuring out drinking plans to seem normal was just to exhausting for me I needed to decide to quit completely or keep on goin, since nothing good EVER came from drinking I decided I was done.
Just keep in mind that the more you tease your brain with alcohol the worse your withdrawls will be.
If you think about it "normal" drinkers don't sit down and figure out drinking schedules.

Hi darinissober - I'm so glad you're here & taking a look at what drinking is doing to your life.

Like the others, I was unable to moderate. I wanted more than anything to just enjoy a couple drinks now & then. All attempts at control failed. One drink in my system & all my resolve went out the window. Refusing to stop all together led me to 24/7 drinking eventually - and a ruined life. All the things I swore I'd never do - I did. (Morning drinking, drinking at work, driving when I shouldn't have.) I hope being here will help you avoid the pain many of us have experienced.

I used to be an avid hiker and would hit the gym 4-5 days a week. Now I’m 75 poiunds overweight and my whole body aches some days. Drinking can rob one of many things. Time to get it back.

I'm on day 27 and I know if I have a drink it will eventually lead to me daily drinking again. I think this is a process most of us go through in the beginning thinking we can moderate because we don't want to let it go.
It is a nightmare hanging out till the day you allow yourself to drink, chains around your ankle. I've moderated before but it keeps the addiction alive and eventually leads back to the same path.
I hope you find success in your moderation attempts.

I’d say any drunk is a bad drunk.
If I were you knowing what I know I would quit it once and for all.
Rebuild you life with different experiences that make you happy.
If this idea makes you sad, I don’t think you should be making deals with the devil.

Don’t want to sound too hard. But then again if what is say does sound too hard there is a problem at bay.

Good luck
Oh and, it’s so much nicer not living with the nag of the booze.
I would hate to think that nag was relentless once again. A world of pain.

Hi Darin. Glad to see you on here. In my experience, I tried to negotiate with myself and schedule my drinking. One drink and all my resolve was gone. It took me a very long time to face the truth: I’m an alcoholic and I cannot drink. Not in moderation, not occasionally. I just cannot drink. It took me a long time to mourn that fact - and I continued drinking while I was mourning.

I got to the point where I was so disgusted with myself, my behavior, my total lack of control, and the havoc that I wreaked day in and day out. That’s when I decided that I wanted to be sober more than I wanted to drink.

I now know, with 100% certainty, that I can not control or moderate my drinking. It’s just not an option for me.

Hi darinissober

I really wish that I had realized that as soon as the bargaining stage starts it's the beginning of the end and it's better to just be done and stop it there and then because a whole lot of pain and heartache follows. I hated the whole thing, it removes any pleasure you get from drinking and just becomes a vicious cycle of deprivation and binge drinking and it really, really sucks.

I failed in moderating, I don't recommend you put yourself through it.

Hi Darin, you say you've been drinking for years. Basically that means that even if you stay sober for a couple of months, the moment you start drinking again your nervous system will be back in "alcoholic mode", and as JScatt already mentioned, withdrawals will only get worse.

Sorry to be blunt, but it sounds like you are trying to fight a losing fight against your brain and your body.

I tried that lots of times. I only realised the depth of my dependency when I tried to get sober and abstain completely no once in a while. That’s when I got scared

I'm exactly the same. I've spent the last year trying to stop, the to moderate, then only to drink occasionally. I can't do it. In the last year I've also started drinking in the morning sometimes, downing drinks, drinking straight spirits and having withdrawal symptoms.

It turns out the more I limited my drinking during the week, the more excessive and frightening my drinking became when I gave myself the green light to drink. I'd be really careful with what you do. I can get worse. Glad you are here. xx