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Old 09-16-2018, 05:55 AM   #1 (permalink)

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Uncomfortable raw emotions

I was talking to my teen-aged daughter and son last night about all kinds of things and the subject of my drinking came up. My daughter brought up horrible things I did when I was drunk. She asked me "do you remember"? I didn't remember most of the things that I said or did to myself or to them. She even showed me a video of me when I was drunk and yelling at her and being a total monster to her that I didn't even remember doing. I mean what kind of mother does that to her kids that she's supposed to protect and love? I cried and cried and felt pain for them that I never felt before. I am coming up on two weeks tomorrow. I told them how much I love them and how sorry I am. It might take a lifetime for me to make amends (show) them how sorry and how much I love them. I am typing this in my car before I enter the grocery store and I can't stop crying.
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Old 09-16-2018, 07:03 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Best thing you can do is stay sober and show them what an awesome mom you really are. Like someone posted the other day, you can’t change the past, but you can make a great future! Congrats on two weeks! That’s where I am after a recent slip.
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Old 09-16-2018, 07:16 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Congratulations on two weeks of sobriety! That's really great! It might not feel like it, but you have taken the most important step to become the mom and person you want to be.

You cannot change what has happened in the past. You can only control today. So do that. Show your kids what an amazing mom you are when sober. Show them that every single day. There are no guarantees, but if you get and stay sober now, your kids will begin to understand that you are a wonderful mom who overcame a horrible disease. You might also encourage your kids to pursue support for what they have been through. Al Anon is an option, there is a great Friends & Family forum here, and there are lots of other resources.

I'm sorry that you have to go through this, but it is part of the recovery process. Just remember, always, that there is one thing you can to keep things moving in a positive direction: stay sober. That's it. Control the moment by staying sober.
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Old 09-16-2018, 07:23 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Just keep in mind that drinking to forget or to numb scary emotions never works. The problem doesn't go away by drinking at it.

Stay the course. Kids want to love their parents. It's going to be difficult, but you can handle it sober.

Stay the course.
The cure for anything is salt water: sweat, tears, or the sea.
~ Isak Dinesen
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Old 09-16-2018, 07:29 AM   #5 (permalink)

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Two weeks is awesome.

I have a daughter and have also done some pretty scary stuff while drunk. And it is something I have to live with daily.

What I have tried to do is give her the safety and freedom to express, without reserve, what has happened. I too have apologized, again and again. And apologies are good but the bottom line is I live the apology by staying strong, consistent, compassionate and forgiving. And sober. And it hurts like he!!.

She is angry and she has every right to be. The trick is to allow her to express that anger so she doesn't turn that anger on herself. And for me to be able to receive that anger without feeling sorry for myself and picking up a drink.

I'm the child of an alcoholic and I always thought that if my parents had just 'talked' to me openly, even once, about the insanity, that it somehow would have helped. If they had just acknowledged it and said 'sorry'. But I see in my daughter that it really amounts to a hill of beans. I've hurt her and the injuries take some time to even come out....even more time to heal.

It's a long, challenging process. But the only logical and responsible/adult way through it is sober. Growing the he!! up and demonstrating emotional maturity is key to helping my daughter avoid becoming me. I can never undo what I've done, but I can hopefully prevent her from walking the same path. So, its ALL about her.

Hang in there. Be strong for them and yourself. It will get better....but it takes time. It is actually ok to feel bad. I know that doesn't sound very hopeful but you're learning to deal with the good, the bad and the ugly. That's life. You'll get thru provided you don't drink.
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Old 09-17-2018, 05:22 AM   #6 (permalink)

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You continue to demonstrate remarkable strength. Give yourself credit for it. You need your own ability for self-forgiveness and self-compassion long before it will ever come from others. And guess what? You deserve it. You are worth it. Keep grinding. The pain you are experiencing is a symptom of healing - regardless of how it feels in the moment.

And remember to try this perspective whenever you can: "What kind of mother takes responsibility for her past, makes the tough decisions to own her situation, and begins living a good life of compassion?" A good one. You.

And don't lose sight that you are not the only mother who has made mistakes. You are human. Your children need to learn that too, and forgiveness. Some of these things may take years to play out. It's part of the process. There are far far worse situations. Always, no matter how bad you think yours is. Your kids need to learn that too.

But the one thing you can control and continue to build on is your sobriety and your own self-worth. The rest will come around.


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Old 09-17-2018, 07:29 AM   #7 (permalink)
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This is really, really hard to deal with. I, too, was horrible with my children and it's been difficult to forgive myself. Since I stopped drinking, I have made every single effort possible to be there for my children (who are grown now) and to never let them down.
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.

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Old 09-17-2018, 09:00 AM   #8 (permalink)

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Thank you all so much! Once again, such good advice and insight. Having a different perspective and trying to put the bat down with the help of all of you...is helping tremendously!!!
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Old 09-17-2018, 09:40 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Congratulations on becoming sober for two weeks. I just want to send you some love and support xxx
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Old 09-17-2018, 09:45 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Some in AA talk about being grateful for 'the gift of desperation'. Although I do not feel grateful to that extent, the premise is- we turn the bad stuff around, learn from it and do not do it again. You have children who are still talking to you. My 2 adult sons want nothing to do with me- including the oldest getting married last year. Not a pity party- but a reminder you have a chance here to really make a difference to your kid's - now.
Turn the shame and guilt into workable emotions- remorse and action.
It is hard. Addiction sucks.
Support to you.
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Old 09-17-2018, 12:08 PM   #11 (permalink)

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I’m so grateful you posted this today. I had to leave the grocery store bc I was crying so hard and I couldn’t pull myself together so I feel you.
Just stay sober for your family. That is the best thing you can do for them and for you 💕
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Old 09-17-2018, 02:03 PM   #12 (permalink)
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I feel your pain Chung. But am impressed with your strength. That's all that matters right now - for you and for your family.

For many of us parents who drank despite what we wanted to be doing for and with our kids, getting through those feelings is part of the work towards sobriety. In the end you have the chance to be an example of a life well-lived, not without mistakes and losses, but in the end a life that we worked for and can be proud of.

Keep it moving and stay sober Chung. Rooting for you.
I've paid enough, not paying anymore

- april 2018 -
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Old 09-17-2018, 06:37 PM   #13 (permalink)
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You are doing so well, Chung! It is so important to feel all these raw emotions even though it might feel bad or uncomfortable. For years, we drank to numb ourselves, so we are learning not to do that and instead to feel our feelings and learn healthy coping skills. I think it is wonderful your children are speaking to you and you are listening to them. The best thing you can do for them now is to be fully present and stay sober no matter what and let them express all of their feelings freely. I know folks who were able to mend their relationships with their children after getting sober, and they are healthy and strong now. But it is more difficult with those who keep going back to alcohol. It’s like a broken promise. Stay the course. You can do this! My son was probably too young to remember my drinking (or didn’t understand my behavior in context of drinking) and I also hid it fairly well. One day I will talk openly with him about it though. I am also learning from the experiences of other parents in recovery that I definitely don’t want to go down that path.
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Old 09-17-2018, 07:10 PM   #14 (permalink)
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I let my kids down too when I was drinking. But being sober now our relationships have improved greatly and I have their trust and respect again.

Give it time. Stay sober and do the right thing. It will get better.
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Dogs may not be our whole lives, but they make our lives whole.

Don't wait for the Last Judgement. It takes place every day. -Albert Camus

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Old 09-17-2018, 09:00 PM   #15 (permalink)

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Congratulations, Chung, on your two weeks of sobriety. Good for you!!

In my experience, the people who have hurt me but that I have found the easiest to forgive are the ones who have "owned it," who have allowed me to express my thoughts and share my feelings about what they did and didn't try to shut me down ("I SAID I was sorry! Do we have to talk about this right now?" or make me feel sorry for them in some way or short-cut the process. Actually listening to your daughter, apologizing (every time), being sober and present and "walking your talk," as they say, will go a long way towards healing. As she sees you not only not drinking but digging deep to be the healthiest (mentally, spiritually, emotionally) woman you can be, your actions will speak louder than any words about how sorry you are for what you said and did while drinking. It's gonna take a lot of time, but each time she sees you say "No, thanks" to a drink, she's going to know she's more important to you than booze is. I wish you all the best.
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Old 09-17-2018, 09:41 PM   #16 (permalink)

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Hi Chung,
Whilst your kids have seen you at you worst, remember that they're also going to see your recovery, eventually they're going to see you at your best. I can tell you from personal experience that there's no more satisfying feeling. All the very best to you
Sober date: February 21st, 2015

“To this day, I am amazed at how many of my problems - most of which had nothing to do with drinking, I believed - have become manageable or have simply disappeared since I quit drinking.”
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Old 09-19-2018, 06:37 AM   #17 (permalink)
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Every day you remain sober you are making your amends x I too was a horrible person whilst drinking, however I am not naturally a horrible person!!! Its really important to remember this, when drinking we had little control of how we acted, what we said and what we did. That is the power of alcohol. That is what it does to us. Also, please rememeber too, those actions were of someone who was unwell, this does not define who you are.

Self love and forgiveness of self is soooooo important lovely x You have put the drink down, which is pretty amazing, but also incredibly brave too. You deserve love, you deserve forgiveness and you sure as hell deserve recovery.

Be kind to yourself, because you’re doing amazingly well x

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