Checking In
 

Good morning, SR -

I'm just checking in with all, mainly for accountability purposes, as I had a slip last weekend. I'm on day 6 today.

I wasn't surprised in a sense because relapse always seems to be a part of my recovery story, but I was surprised in other ways. I felt instant release just holding the stuff, before I even took a sip, and as soon as I did, I just confirmed it wasn't what I was truly seeking...it never is. Sure, I reset a little. I was able to calm down, please the rebellious animal that had been bucking at my rear for weeks, etc. It's true what they say though, the longer you're in the program, the more AA and recovery will ruin your drinking. I was immediately honest, and called everyone in my recovery to announce what I had done/was doing, I felt guilt enough to control the amount I drank (which is NOT my style, especially in a relapse, I get the "eff it, make it count" attitude), and I reached out to people that would hopefully understand and let me sober up and talk about it with them, and blessedly they did. Finally, I journaled ("why did I do this", "was it really that bad", "why were you inconsolable and unable to calm down", "what tools can we realistically use in the future"). At the end of the night, I looked up at the stars. It was like looking at them for the first time in forever, and I realized how much of my old self I had allowed to creep back in.

I hesitated coming right back here immediately and still haven't gone back to a meeting since, I was growing worried that I really was a lost cause again and was concerned about poisoning the well. One of the main reasons I decided to imbibe even as I held it and consciously at that point asked myself to stop and think, I truly thought I had nothing to show for those 66 days. It's so wonderful to discover I really did, actually and there's proof in that today. I almost feel like God not giving up on me and helping me immensely this week was the "punishment" I deserved, as I dreaded and almost couldn't wait to beat myself up...this is "worse" and more fitting in the sense that it seems there are forces that truly do want me to succeed, and the world has proven me wrong.

I'm thankful for this site, and you all letting me share. I hope my story is somewhat helpful to my fellows struggling. I obviously don't recommend what I did!!! We all know it was not worth it in any sense, and the repercussions could have been immense, I truly know that and my old self wanted to flirt with them. Thanks to this site and the tools I've learned, I'm so thankful I was able to pick myself back up immediately; that I do recommend, no matter which gutter you find yourself in.

Love to you all, and enjoy your weekend.

Hi Hawking! Thanks for checking in and thank you for the advice. Just like you I'm looking at life and the beauty of it in a different light. You've reminded me to go out and look at the stars tonight which is what is going to get me through today. <3

That was a really moving post, Hawking.

The help is there always...before the drink next time, right? A prayer and/or a phone call before touching the stuff. God/AA/this site - we're all here to help talk you down off the ledge.

:hug:

welcome back Hawking :)

I think a lot of people get fed that 'relapse is a part of recovery' line - but it's not really :)

Recovery is a million miles away from the state of mind that preceded my drinking again.

Relapse is part of my addiction. Straight up.

I'm not beating you up - I tried to get sober for 15 years.

I know well the struggle, but if there's anything I can leave you with it's that it's never too late to start writing Chapter Two of your life :)

The years I spent relapsing didn't stop me from grasping recovery and making it permanent. :)

I learned a lot from my mistakes, including what I needed to do not to repeat them, but it still took me a while to be willing to do whatever it took to stay sober.

I just had to open myself up a little to new ideas and new possibilities :)

I think you're ready for that Hawking :)

D

Glad you're ours back Hawking!

Thank you all for the kinds words and support. Fighting the "dry drunk" is just getting so exhausting. Good one day, hating life the next, it's just so frustrating. But I sincerely appreciate all of the help here <3

It will get better and easier, it really will.

You're doing great!