Sober Rambling - didn’t know what to call this one
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Sober Rambling - didn’t know what to call this one
I apologize for any grammar errors. I just kind of started and continued rambling. I also apologize for anyone this offends.
I am 2 months alcohol free ! So far, my work, important relationships, finances, appearance, living and overall life has become more manageable. Sucks I didn’t do this earlier. Being 27 it really sucks to see how much time I have wasted. Its been easy for me to not drink because I do use my medical marijuana card now that I don’t drink. MJ affects me in a weird way. When I smoke I think back on the person I was when I was drinking. I reflect on the embarrassing way I’ve acted, things I’ve done to myself and to others. It instantly relieves my urge to drink. Not in a “omg, I need more and more of this feeling/substance” like we all know so well. It’s more of a “why would you act like that? Why do you even like to drink? Why would you say things like that to your parents? How could you treat your ex like that? (Just emotional alcoholic partner stuff)” Mixed in with thoughts of how everyone must think of me and how my life could have turned out if I didn’t drink or put partying first throughout my early 20’s.
And that’s the thing —> I did make out with some blessings. After 2 dui’s and a possible felony I bent over for the court and ended up going back to university, completing with honors. I finished probation flawless, the felony dropped down to a misdemeanor and got a job with one of the biggest companies in my field. (Story I still have to post on the thread about looking for positive outcomes after a DUI). I thought my life was over during that time. I wanted to die. Honestly. But I worked my ass off and I thought I finally made it enough to live my life with booze included.
Work was going “ok” but I started to up my drinking. Having money allowed me to support my bills as well as my lifestyle. Started to isolate. Social media is such a bitchhhh. Texting, calling, cellphones are the problem. I was born in the wrong generation. Lol just messing. But I DID actually believe this when I was drinking. Excuses. So my story goes on. I started drinking heavily. 15 beer minimum a day, sometimes 30. Idk, I didn’t count. Blackouts, isolating and loathing for human interaction. So now comes in the Facebook, cellphones, tinder, bumble, Instagram. Random conversations with friends, advances to ladies I didn’t even that well, the good ole ex gf call, weird comments on Social media’s that really just happen to flow with my emotionally unstable mind. Reaching out to sober
friends continuing to ask for help getting sober and not following through. Waking up embarrassed, sick, late, looking like ****, etc. Detoxing multiple times alone. Went to rehab once. Stayed clean from booze for a couple weeks. Went back into my cycle. Most people that get to this point know that benders start to become romantic in the sense of self distructive behavior and clockwork. My life was all about time. Works done at 5:30. I can get home to drink by 6:15. I can drink 4 high gravity tall boys and maybe my BAC will be a 0.00 before I get back to work tomorrow. Perfect plan!!! It really works. However, it only lasts so for so long. Then I start looking at the clock at 1:00am completely obliterated saying I can go get one more before the store closes at 2am. Then after a quick power nap, it’s 6:59 and I’m at the gas station. Trying to run quickly in, grab a roadie tall boy or 2, not to get drunk but level headed and not shaking. Then I wait for lunch, then I wait for the time after lunch to make sure I have been at my desk long enough to be able to run to my car and take a few pulls..... these started out as nights, to full weekends to week long.
Then there is the loss of the job. That was a huge hurt. Ended up going home, calling my boss and asking for time off. They had me blow at a center and I was canned. What a start of a 2 week stretch I barely remember. But being the overworking alcoholic I am, I ended up getting an even better one while detoxing. Said this was it. I have to get serious. But the cycle came background, started off poorly and I am sure the only thing that saved me was the “it must be because he’s new,” theory. After a few more random emotional outbursts at family and friends I finally picked a Friday and went through a rough kindling detox as I have maybe 15 times this year.
So far these past alcohol free months have been a life changer. Thank you all for being here to listen to me. It was all of you who listened to me when I was drunk posting begging for help and exhausted all other people to talk to. I actually not only now feel for the people who I see doing this, but also love reading them because it reminds me of how terrible I was feeling (mentally and physically) when I drunk rambled on SR. I’ve learned some huge life lessons through losses and wins. I feel better about the person I am by treating the people I know and love much better through actions and being there for them. I look much better and finally have my mental sanity back. My work has completely 180’d and my finances are much more manageable. I feel amazing waking up and not embarrassing myself/putting myself or others at risk. I’m getting the slap in the face of “learning how to live” when finally breaking free from something that was holding back my mental growth for years and years. I know that most don’t agree with using marijuana or any other substances, however, the way it affects me has shown positive in staying alcohol free through the reflection/humility it makes me think about.... so for now I’ll go play some fortnite.
Thanks for listening.
I am 2 months alcohol free ! So far, my work, important relationships, finances, appearance, living and overall life has become more manageable. Sucks I didn’t do this earlier. Being 27 it really sucks to see how much time I have wasted. Its been easy for me to not drink because I do use my medical marijuana card now that I don’t drink. MJ affects me in a weird way. When I smoke I think back on the person I was when I was drinking. I reflect on the embarrassing way I’ve acted, things I’ve done to myself and to others. It instantly relieves my urge to drink. Not in a “omg, I need more and more of this feeling/substance” like we all know so well. It’s more of a “why would you act like that? Why do you even like to drink? Why would you say things like that to your parents? How could you treat your ex like that? (Just emotional alcoholic partner stuff)” Mixed in with thoughts of how everyone must think of me and how my life could have turned out if I didn’t drink or put partying first throughout my early 20’s.
And that’s the thing —> I did make out with some blessings. After 2 dui’s and a possible felony I bent over for the court and ended up going back to university, completing with honors. I finished probation flawless, the felony dropped down to a misdemeanor and got a job with one of the biggest companies in my field. (Story I still have to post on the thread about looking for positive outcomes after a DUI). I thought my life was over during that time. I wanted to die. Honestly. But I worked my ass off and I thought I finally made it enough to live my life with booze included.
Work was going “ok” but I started to up my drinking. Having money allowed me to support my bills as well as my lifestyle. Started to isolate. Social media is such a bitchhhh. Texting, calling, cellphones are the problem. I was born in the wrong generation. Lol just messing. But I DID actually believe this when I was drinking. Excuses. So my story goes on. I started drinking heavily. 15 beer minimum a day, sometimes 30. Idk, I didn’t count. Blackouts, isolating and loathing for human interaction. So now comes in the Facebook, cellphones, tinder, bumble, Instagram. Random conversations with friends, advances to ladies I didn’t even that well, the good ole ex gf call, weird comments on Social media’s that really just happen to flow with my emotionally unstable mind. Reaching out to sober
friends continuing to ask for help getting sober and not following through. Waking up embarrassed, sick, late, looking like ****, etc. Detoxing multiple times alone. Went to rehab once. Stayed clean from booze for a couple weeks. Went back into my cycle. Most people that get to this point know that benders start to become romantic in the sense of self distructive behavior and clockwork. My life was all about time. Works done at 5:30. I can get home to drink by 6:15. I can drink 4 high gravity tall boys and maybe my BAC will be a 0.00 before I get back to work tomorrow. Perfect plan!!! It really works. However, it only lasts so for so long. Then I start looking at the clock at 1:00am completely obliterated saying I can go get one more before the store closes at 2am. Then after a quick power nap, it’s 6:59 and I’m at the gas station. Trying to run quickly in, grab a roadie tall boy or 2, not to get drunk but level headed and not shaking. Then I wait for lunch, then I wait for the time after lunch to make sure I have been at my desk long enough to be able to run to my car and take a few pulls..... these started out as nights, to full weekends to week long.
Then there is the loss of the job. That was a huge hurt. Ended up going home, calling my boss and asking for time off. They had me blow at a center and I was canned. What a start of a 2 week stretch I barely remember. But being the overworking alcoholic I am, I ended up getting an even better one while detoxing. Said this was it. I have to get serious. But the cycle came background, started off poorly and I am sure the only thing that saved me was the “it must be because he’s new,” theory. After a few more random emotional outbursts at family and friends I finally picked a Friday and went through a rough kindling detox as I have maybe 15 times this year.
So far these past alcohol free months have been a life changer. Thank you all for being here to listen to me. It was all of you who listened to me when I was drunk posting begging for help and exhausted all other people to talk to. I actually not only now feel for the people who I see doing this, but also love reading them because it reminds me of how terrible I was feeling (mentally and physically) when I drunk rambled on SR. I’ve learned some huge life lessons through losses and wins. I feel better about the person I am by treating the people I know and love much better through actions and being there for them. I look much better and finally have my mental sanity back. My work has completely 180’d and my finances are much more manageable. I feel amazing waking up and not embarrassing myself/putting myself or others at risk. I’m getting the slap in the face of “learning how to live” when finally breaking free from something that was holding back my mental growth for years and years. I know that most don’t agree with using marijuana or any other substances, however, the way it affects me has shown positive in staying alcohol free through the reflection/humility it makes me think about.... so for now I’ll go play some fortnite.
Thanks for listening.
Keep going, it gets better. 
and Thank you for sharing
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