Karen191979

My boyfriend quit drinking 1 year back, marijuana 6 months back and cigarettes 4 months back. The last time we had any kind of sexual intimacy was about 7 months back. (Before that I got pregnant, had an abortion and had a false pregnancy scare) I was wondering if his lack of interest in sex is related to his quitting addictions and how long this is likely to last. I want to be there for him and give him space to figure it out but the lack of intimacy is driving me nuts (he cuddles me and sleeps but will flinch if I kiss him or try and make any sexual overtures). Is there anything I can do to make him interested in sex again or do I just need to give time and how much?

MantaLady

Have you talked with him about the situation? It is hard to say if this is being caused by his sobriety as we humans are complex creatures, it may be due to something else entirely. I personally would advise to sit down and talk with him, try and find out what is going on for him before jumping to any conclusions. x

MissPerfumado

Out of interest, was he often under the influence when you made love before he quit?

I found being intimate while sober to be a revelation. Previously, I was almost always under the influence of alcohol when I made love. In my case, I've enjoyed the journey of rediscovery, but I can see how it could be quite confronting.

MantaLady

Thanks MissPerfumado, I never thought about that aspect which I can relate to as that is exactly where I am at, and you are so right that this can be quite confronting and uncomfortable. x

plop

A lot of guys say they lost interest in sex for a while after getting sober, but seven months sounds a bit excessive. Talk to your boyfriend and try to find out if there's something wrong, because he might be depressed or something.

Gerard52

The libido should improve if you give up alcohol.

JustTony

Certainly is always the case for me for at least a month. I put it down to the chemicals in my body re-adjusting to 'normal'.

Seven months does sound a lot though.

Red78

This happened to my ex when we were together. He was a heavy drug user from early teens, he had an extremely high sex drive, addicted to sex I would say. During our relationship we gave up both alcohol and drugs and he completely lost his desire for sex, we had a great relationship, very open and intimate in every other way except for sexually, in the last 2 years of the relationship I could count on both hands the number of times we had sex.
It didn't cause me too much of an issue however 7 months is a long time if you are wanting more.. Eventually it turned into companionship only and we broke up, we are still good friends..
I think it is natural to lose your sex drive or at least readjust to a different way of being that you weren't used too such as sober sex. I would definitely talk more with him..

Ladysadie

I offer you a different perspective. This happened to me, after I stopped drinking I wasn't sure how I felt about my partner. He continues to drink and I find it almost repulsive to be with him intimately although we are still together (we don't live together 24/7 thankfully as I also am a person that needs a certain amount of alone time). He's fought other issues as well as his drinking (brain cancer) and takes medications on top of his drinking when he should avoid. I find it difficult to warm up to him and he is very clingy to me, which I now hate. I know I sound cruel but something changed within me. I still enjoy (mostly when he's not buzzed) his company. At times I wish he would just move on and that would be best for both of us. But companionship is interesting. I have lost a lot of family and friends, so I weigh my life as, "am I better for having him in my life, or worse" and my answer is that it is still better. But I can't seem to muster the feelings for wanting to be intimate with him while I am sober. Just another point of view for what it's worth. Take care of you, only you can decide if staying or going is feasible for you. Having a gentle, non-judgmental discussion with him would be my suggestion. You are entitled to live your life fully. I have come to terms with my lack of diminished desire for my partner and give him the option of moving on. It's okay.

Anna

Congratulations to both of you for the work you've put into your recovery.

I wonder if you've tried to have a conversation with your bf at a time when you are both open to having a discussion? I hope that you can talk about the situation. It sounds like you are not okay with no intimacy in your relationship and you should be able to express yourself and to live your life as you wish.

Karen191979

Thank you guys for your replies. We had a somewhat open and constructive chat today where he agreed its been very long and said he would think about it and try to figure it out, said he cant imagine it going on like this very long either and that he has just not been giving it too much thought. I thought problems end when one stops using substances but seems like they increase! Hoping it will get easier after some point!

CCL

Problems don't end, they become different because new coping mechanisms need to be developed. Speaking in a generality, every one of the substances you listed are often used as crutches by anxious people. Figuring out how to cope with stress without numbing it out is an awful lot harder than dealing with cravings, IMHO. Even the cigarettes, nicotine affects your dopamine levels big time, takes a long time for those to rebalance themselves.

Dee74

I wouldn't say problems increase, though I totally see why you might say that

Some of the things that are uncovered by sobriety can take a little time to work out, but sobriety gives us the capacity to find solutions.

All the best to you and your partner

D

Karen191979

Thank you

iwilltryagain

Every man is different, so is every women. I think you should support him. If he takes couple of months more...so what.. it's not end of the world. You should be glad that he is sober and good things are yet to come. Sorry, but i had to ask...do you drink ? if you drink and have same expectations, you might have to tune back a little bit.

Good luck

Anna

Problems don't end when you stop drinking or using drugs. It might seem like problems increase, but I don't think they do. It's at that time that I had to do a lot of soul-searching and finding new ways to cope.

Karen191979

Hi, thank for your reply. I have never been much of a drinker, have a glass of wine at the most which I don’t do around him anymore. Marijuana has been my short coming but I am trying to quit that. From being a compulsive smoker am now smoking maybe once a month. Yes planning to stick by him and hoping it will sort itself out but it’s tough!