Primativo

I didn't have a craving, or even really want to actually drink. This happened because I met a nice young lady, we'd had a few dates but I didn't drink at all. It came to a point though when we were planning on having a night out on Saturday and I couldn't avoid the no drinking thing, so I either had to tell her I just didn't drink at all, or I'd have to drink. I was scared she would be put off, or find me a bit boring if I told her I didn't drink, so I drank. Deep down I felt i just wanted to be normal, a responsible drinker etc etc I wanted to see if I could be normal.

I can't though, it only took me one drink before I was drinking alcoholically again. As in, I had my first drink at home, and in one glass was about a third or even half a bottle of wine even though I knew I had to get a taxi. I drank it in less than 10 minutes, more like 5.

Then, I got to the train station, there was less than 10 minutes until the train came? what did I do? went to the pub next door and ordered a glass of wine, drank it in minutes.

Anyway, I had a fun night, but I drank like no tomorrow, even once I got home at 1am I finished off the bottle of wine and don't remember going to bed. Woke up yesterday and felt awful. I knew then that my brief experiment to see if I could go back to normal drinking had failed. I had horrible withdrawals again, it wasn't a hangover, it was terrible anxiety and panic. I knew that whatever happened I must not drink. I didn't drink. My (second and last ) day 1 was yesterday. I went to see my sponsor and told him I'd relapsed. I had told him the week before that I was considering drinking again to see if I could drink responsibly. I had to find out for myself, but I know now.

I feel ok today. I think this relapse is something I had to find out for myself. I know the answer, I can never drink again. I knew the answer before then but I held out a little hope that maybe it was possible to be a normal drinker.

No damage done, I didn't hurt anyone, I haven't ended up on a binge. IT took all of my willpower not to drink again yesterday but I won't always be that strong, and if I drink more often again, one day I will crumble and drink again the next day and then before you know it I'll be back in despair / hospital after a binge.

Michael2018

Sorry to hear that Primativo. But we've all been there and well done for acting on it so quickly (rather than the "as I've slipped now I may as well have one more drinking day" approach I took for two years).

Do you think, as well as realizing yourself you can't drink, you can bring yourself to admit that to others when/if you need to (such as this nice young lady)?

NerfThis

You are not the first one to have a huge period of abstinence and then 'test' to see if you can be normal. Remember that it is much easier for us to drink nothing than it is to try to moderate.

Also, your reasoning for drinking was that you didn't want to appear boring to the lady. What do you think is better though? For her to assume you're boring because you don't drink (I am sure you're absolutely not boring without alcohol) or for her to see what you're like when you do drink? It is NOT worth risking your sobriety because you're worried about people's opinions. They will certainly form opinions if they see you drowning yourself in alcohol.

140 days is an incredible achievement, so keep that in mind, treat this occasion as a little slip and move on from it.

sobersolstice

I've messed up in the past drinking during dates while trying to be sober. It's a challenge now, as I'm dating, and some of the women I'm hanging out with drink. I make it a point not to drink with them, but it's pretty hard.

I went on an outdoor date a few months ago, and she wanted to grab a beer after, and I said "sure, but I'm not drinking". Now I've been on several dates, and we have a connection. She seems to have to vigorously control her drinking at 2 drinks when I come over. Seems like that would be absurdly tough, as I can tell she has an addictive persona.

Dating and not drinking, especially with younger people is tricky. I'm just putting my sobriety first, and to be honest, things are working out better. I have people who want to be in my presence, which is a great feeling that alcohol cannot emulate. I also know that these people wouldn't want to be around me if i were drinking, so win-win.

lessgravity

I feel for you man. I think we all can say that we have been there and done that. My last binge was a planned night at UFC fights with a good childhood friend of mine. I had already come to the realization that I had to stop drinking, but I had set this date in my mind as a night I was going to allow myself to drink and did so with absolute unrelenting abandon. Of course it was a binge for me because the drinking did not stop that night. It continued through my typical cycle of early morning drinking, and I was back to the lying drunk that I knew I no longer wanted to be. As you say, I knew that I could never drink again. And I haven't. And I wont. It's important you use this experience as something that motivates you and, merely because there was no damage done, you don't ever return to the bottle again. Life is better, so so much better sober. Good for you for coming in here being honest and discussing what happened.

Rar

I'm sorry you drank Primativo, but I'm glad you came back. I understand how you feel. My last relapse was when I had about 112 days. That was 4 months ago (today's my 4 month anniversary). I also understand how much willpower it takes to not continue to drink following the relapse day - so you did great. Every time I feel like drinking, I play the tape forward and recall how I felt after I gave up my 112 days. You can do this. Congratulations on your last Day 1.

Primativo

Yes, I have a plan in place to deal with this now. I am just going to tell her. Ultimately, there isn't a choice here. It is either don't drink and live a happy fulfilling life, or drink and experience misery and despair.

Primativo

Thank you.

Completely agree. Ultimately if I went back to drinking, she would fairly quickly work out I have a huge problem and she certainly won't want to date someone like that. You are right though, my sobriety is more important than anyone else. If she can't accept me being a non drinker, it wasn't meant to be. I am sure she won't have a problem with it.

Primativo

I hear that. The funny thing is I've been on literally about 12 dates with different women over the past 4 months, and I've not been tempted to drink on any of them. Yet with this lady, it was different. I feel like I didn't want to ruin the momentum we had by turning around on Saturday and saying "I don't drink". I know now, that was a mistake. As it is a fact I no longer drink so I will have to tell her the truth, I cannot avoid it.

You are right, I am so much more of a better person sober, so it's not a hard choice to make.

Be123

Hey primativo (I know this completely misses the point but we all want to know)

Is the lucky lady getting another date? How did the date go, alcohol aside?

And getting back on point - if there is another date you’re going to need a plan.

I wish I’d never drank at all in my relationship with my wife. She put up with a lot, still is really. I’m sure this isn’t helping your situation but if I could go back and relive the whole thing sober I would. She saw some sides of me that a few good nights out never made up for

DreamCatcher17

I am so glad you posted and snapped out of the drinking cycle quickly without a binge to follow!

I am currently back on the market in the dating scene and it was so easy for me to put "I don't drink" on my profile and then I weeded out all the people who had alcohol in their pictures. because for me, I do NOT want to date someone who drinks, my sobriety is not Russian roulette.

Now, I started to chat with a guy who claimed he didn't drink in his profile.. The more we talked the more came out, he does drink. So I told him why I can't talk to him anymore.

I am honest about my sobriety and recovery, if that scares someone off, so be it that person is not for me then.

I will add I am 14 days away from 1-year sobriety, I have had my ups and downs and I really understand and respect the "wait until a year sober before dating" it is a wonderful suggestion

brighterday1234

Sobriety has to be and will always be no1 priority in my life. Nothing is worth losing my sobriety over.

kamm

Thanks for sharing.

I have my own story to share as a cautionary tale. I was sober for over 400 days and was closing in on the two year mark. For reference, I was 28 at the time. I went through a divorce sober, I moved across the world sober, and I started a new career sober.

When I finally started dating again I met someone who I really liked and I did not feel comfortable telling him I was a non drinker (which should have been red flag number one for me!)

We dated for a few months before I drank with him. He asked me point blank if I drank or not and I said “only every now and then”. I drank a beer to prove the point. I couldn’t stope after that. And even worse, initially I didn’t want to. 2 years later I was worse off than I started and was hiding my drinking which I had never done before.

If I could go back I’d have been honest. I needed to be true to myself and comfortable in my sobriety before I invited anyone into my life. I am back on the sober wagon and am about 22 days but I lost so much of myself (AGAIN) in the drink.

Hopefully this is just a one time thing for you. Your sobriety is worth the uncomfortable talks that it may require. I promise! Good luck, my friend.

Dee74

Welcome back Primativo

Maybe it's a good idea to hold off on the dating until you're strong enough to proudly prefer being a non drinker?

Relationships work when we're authentic, IMO.

I'm not boring and I don't think everyone sees no drinkers as boring.

Those who do are probably not good partner material for folks like us

But..even if it were true I'd rather be seen as boring than be a drunken mess.

I'd rather be me rather than trying to be something I'm not.

Back yourself - someone out there will like the non drinking you.

D

Primativo

Really well thanks, we are going to see each other again. This time, I definitely will not be drinking.

bunchie

We'll look at the bright side you have another date, and you learned a valuable lesson. I have been pondering drinking again as of late, I don't know why but my counselor can sense it, she seems to believe it has to do with a very unsatisfying marriage, among a few other things . I will keep plugging one day at a time as the saying goes. If I was you I would not beat yourself up just get back on road to sobriety which sounds like you are , then another hundred days from now you can look back and say I only drank once in 240 days that's awesome.

MissPerfumado

Hi Primativo, if this lady is special compared to the other 11, it might be the right thing to tell her you don't drink. You don't have to go into massive detail, but just telling her you've decided not to drink could be very liberating.

When I met the guy who became my special guy, I told him I didn't drink. He's not a big drinker anyway. A few months into our relationship we had a proper discussion about it. He was very understanding. Being truthful with him brought us closer.

I think you'll know if this lady is special. If she is, she will understand.

Delilah1

Glad you came right back.

Primativo

Thank you. I am fine, I think the dating was only a trigger, but ultimately I feel I was bound to relapse because I had the bugging question that, maybe I can control my drinking, so sooner or later I was going to test it out.

What I know now is no matter how long I remain abstinent, just that one drink will lead me back to where I don't want to be anymore. I can't moderate it. I will drink till I pass out, 9 times out of 10.

Agree I know I am not boring sober, in fact I am a much better person sober than I am drunk, I am more present and engaging.

Aardvajk

Welcome back.

I picked up after over six and a half years without a drink (in the interests of total honesty I was abusing OTC drugs for two years in that period so can't call it six years sober), planning it as a one off and it took me over eight months to stop again.

Got back into fellowship and got a couple of weeks behind me, then hit it again a few days last week. Day four for me today.

Glad to be here and glad you are here too.