Chung

I am self loathing today. I am 4 days sober today and I am asking God why am I an alcoholic who put my family in financial distress, caused my children anxiety and anger and deprived them of a normal, stable home life. On the outside for example at work, I seem like a happy go lucky type of person and then when I used to go home and drink, and not every single night but more than enough times to count, I was an angry drunk who lashed out at my children and fiance and then would tell the kids don't tell anybody about my drinking and how I acted. I really hate myself today and to tell the kids to not say anything (a family dirty secret). I feel like such a bad person and want to know why alcoholics were created. It just doesn't seem fair for other people to be normal, mature, capable adults...nothing good comes out of being an addict. Everybody I work with are great very hands-on parents and have their whole retirement savings lined up, have enough money to send their kids to college without student loans. I could have done that too, except I am an alcoholic who made bad financial decisions because my mind was not clear.

NerfThis

There is no point in torturing yourself by trying to work out WHY you are an alcoholic or dwelling on negative things that have happened due to drinking. I came from a very stable background of non alcoholics and have been very successful over the years, yet somehow I have a terrible relationship with alcohol. Concentrate on not drinking rather than working out why you can't drink.

The things you regret are past actions which will never happen again if you don't drink. I have done multiple ridiculous things thanks to alcohol, but as I get more sober days under my belt, they bother me less and less and are being replaced with all the good actions I am currently doing.

You mention that it isn't fair for others to be normal, mature and capable. You can be EXACTLY that as long as you keep your relationship with alcohol as a thing of the past.

Fearlessat50

Hi Chung and welcome to this forum. You are not alone. We have all been where you are. We have all made mistakes like this and some worse than others, have also asked the same questions, have all hated ourselves. All of us here are on the road to recovery now, at different stages along the path. Life is so much better on the other side, being sober. You can’t change the past. But you can start to love yourself, change yourself and you can change your future for the better starting now. You can make amends to those you’ve hurt. What is your plan to stay sober? I hope you will keep coming to this forum. It is a supportive group. For me, over this past year, it has taken this forum and therapy to remain sober. Though many others here also go to AA or other recovery groups, I chose not too for various reasons. But i have recently started reading the Big Book online and going through the 12 steps on my own. This is a life long journey.

doggonecarl

Early recovery is tough, and I understand completely why you feel the way you do. But the energy you are expending beating yourself up and bemoaning the fate of being alcoholic is best used working on your recovery.

You can right the ship...but only sober. Good luck.

ulfr

Every day write a graitued list what are you greatful for dont matter repeat it youare sober now a day at a time also try AA

Buckley3

Try ‘why not me.’

Why not me being and living sober?
Why not be finally freeing myself from the vicious cycle?
Why not me treating myself with dignity, respect and compassion?
Why not me starting to build a life of peace and contentment?

Keep repeating. Empower yourself. Fake it til you make it if you have to.

Best to you-

B

Hawking22

Someone once shared with me instead of looking at our alcoholism as only an affliction and shaking our fists screaming how unfair it is to realize that we should be grateful for this. It means God chose us; it means he wants to walk with us for the rest of our lives an help us on this journey. We're not the bad behavior we exhibit when we drink. These things occur to open our eyes, so we can start the beautiful journey of finding ourselves, igniting our spiritual search and recovering in ways many people never will. You can do this <3

hopeful4

Coming from the other side, my X husband was/is an alcoholic. The best thing you can do for your family is own up to the hurt you caused, say you are sorry, and show them through your actions you have changed. It's a process, but the best comes from honesty. They love you or they would not stand by you. It will help you in dealing with all of this to be honest with them, and it will help them as well.

Best Wishes!

nez

In my early attempts at sobriety I focused on why. It drove me crazy. Why? Why? Why? Progress for me during this period was non-existent. When I started to focus on how. How to stay sober, changes started to occur that continue to this day some 15 years later. Why is about the past. How is about the present. I can't change the past. My present effects my future so I try to keep my focus on how.

Gerard52

You are doing something about it now, so well done.

ljc267

Asking why is an exercise in futility. I used to ask that question over and over. Why can't I drink like everyone else, etc.

Tbh it doesn't matter why. To me anyway, it just matters that it is.

I am an alcoholic whether I like it or not. The best thing you can do is work on living the best life you can, from this point on, without it.

Be123

Hi Chung. So much of what you said is true for me.

All you can do is stay sober. You can’t make the past right today, you can’t become the perfect partner today, you can’t feel better all the time today.

Please stay sober for today. Listen to the people (not me!) who’ve done it and act on what they say.

One day your kids will say our dad is amazing because he was addicted to alcohol but stopped drinking because he loved us so much

Mango212

Chung, sending good vibes. Recovery is possible. That in itself gives hope.

Getting mad at God can be a good starting point. Opening up new lines of communication.

Ben, good tips.

One thing important though, is loving our kids or anyone else is not enough to get into real recovery, whether from alcoholism, addictions or from other trauma. For all those kids out there who's dads or moms have relapsed or not found recovery, it isn't because there isn't love enough. This disease doesn't discriminate. It'll take down anyone. No one person better than another.

The great news is, recovery happens every day. As illogical as the disease is, getting into recovery doesn't fit any one mold, either. There are many paths. Keep trying.

Prayer:

God, please give me eyes to see and ears to hear your guidance in my life. Please give me signs. Please help me see and hear them.

Thank you, God, for this day.

Chung

Thank you. This gives me hope.

Chung

Thank you. I want to enter therapy to really get to the bottom of why I drink. I have horrible coping skills.

Chung

Thank you. So true.

Chung

Thank you. As soon as I read this, I immediately wrote down a gratitude list. Of course number 1 was being sober today.

Chung

I certainly will take your advice. Thank you.

Chung

Thank you. I do believe he let this happen, so I can get closer to him.

Chung

[QUOTE=hopeful4;7005543]Coming from the other side, my X husband was/is an alcoholic. The best thing you can do for your family is own up to the hurt you caused, say you are sorry, and show them through your actions you have changed. It's a process, but the best comes from honesty. They love you or they would not stand by you. It will help you in dealing with all of this to be honest with them, and it will help them as well.

Best Wishes![/QUOT
Thank you. As a mom, I know I failed my children. I did say I'm sorry to them and told them how much I love them and I don't expect them to believe me this time around again, but from your perspective it sounds like I need to show them rather than saying I will stay sober. I just hope It's not too late since I used to be so short-tempered with them and at times slightly abusive. I know they are filled with anger right now and they have every right to feel that way.